He's lived away from his family for most of the time since he was around 19; he's now 38.
His dad took off when he was about 9 and was gone (alcoholic) until they reconnected when my H was about 19 and in the Navy. His dad has been sober for over 12 years now and is a drug/alcohol counselor. He's also now a compulsive gambler instead of an alcoholic. I haven't noticed that his dad has done anything at all for him in the 4 years we've been together. His dad lives in another state but comes to our state usually EOW for the gambling, staying with my H's brother.
His mom raised 3 kids alone with no child support or anything. She was/is not a warm individual; I think the kids missed out a lot on just being held and loved. My H has said that she didn't do any of these things. I've never noticed my MIL do anything for my H in the time I've known him either. She's too busy supporting his sister (36) and granddaughter (5). She/stepdad contact us when they want a place to stay when in town.
My H's brother (40) has been divorced for less than a year. He's very emotionless and contacts us only when he wants to stay with us when in town. He's close with his mom/stepdad and frequently does things with the stepdad.
My H's sister (36) has never had to support herself or her daughter (5); the family always does everything for her. My MIL concerns herself only with supporting her daughter and granddaughter. His sister constantly runs off to Hollywood or Miami to be discovered. She doesn't like us because we don't financially support her like everyone else does.
The funny thing about my H's behavior is that he's always the last to know if there's some family thing going on AND often doesn't even find out until afterwards. Or, they will let him know last minute and expect him to jump to come to their town (about 1 1/2 hrs. away). We are not talking about a close family. My H also does not like his stepdad, and his mom has been married to him for 17 years!
Yet, my H always puts all of them first even though they are really not ever considerate of him.
The biggest problem we seem to be having with this is the expectation that we'll be 100% available and willing to give up any other plans that we may have when any of his family suddenly decides they're coming to town to stay with us. Since we're in a major city, they tend to come up frequently for sporting events, kid tournaments, etc. I have 2 teenagers from my prior marriage, so we're already pretty busy. I also value our couple time. However, my H will do whatever his family wants.
Quote: The biggest problem we seem to be having with this is the expectation that we'll be 100% available and willing to give up any other plans that we may have when any of his family suddenly decides they're coming to town to stay with us. Since we're in a major city, they tend to come up frequently for sporting events, kid tournaments, etc. I have 2 teenagers from my prior marriage, so we're already pretty busy. I also value our couple time. However, my H will do whatever his family wants.
if you can sit back and think about it, how often and how much of your time does his family really take up?
I do understand the feeling of being invaded...my in laws were at my house every weekend for a whole year whether I knew they were comming or not..I was almost afraid to have a cookout with my friends because they'd always show up (and empty handed to boot)
my h never understood why this would bother me..thing is he grew up that way..there were no boundaries quite the opposite of my family. Is either way wrong? not really it's just a matter of perspective. you can't change who your family is you can only change how you deal with them. perhaps h doesn't want to burn any bridges or cause any conflict and therefore is there for them. Your resentment toward his being there for his family cannot serve to bring the two of you closer. Is there perhaps another way for you to look at or approach the situation?
It's actually happening very frequently. My BIL has season football tickets that various family members are using. They'll call the day before or even the day of the game to let my H know that they'll be staying with us and that they expect my H to go if both tickets are not being used. (He hates football.) If we have plans, we have to change them.
My BIL also has a 8 year old who plays on a competitive ice hockey team that plays tournaments in our town (usually on Thurs.-Sun.). The schedules are always released last minute. Again, even if we have plans, we have to drop them to go to each and every hockey game so the 8 year old won't be upset, plus meeting them for every meal for the 4 days. Last time, my H was extremely sick but still wouldn't tell them "NO."
Quote: It's actually happening very frequently. My BIL has season football tickets that various family members are using. They'll call the day before or even the day of the game to let my H know that they'll be staying with us and that they expect my H to go if both tickets are not being used. (He hates football.) If we have plans, we have to change them.
My BIL also has a 8 year old who plays on a competitive ice hockey team that plays tournaments in our town (usually on Thurs.-Sun.). The schedules are always released last minute. Again, even if we have plans, we have to drop them to go to each and every hockey game so the 8 year old won't be upset, plus meeting them for every meal for the 4 days. Last time, my H was extremely sick but still wouldn't tell them "NO."
why don't you try not dropping your plans, if h feels compelled to let them rule his life that's fine but why should you not do what you want?
You're right, I could certainly do that. However, I enjoy spending time with my H even if he doesn't put the same degree of importance on that time. It's not even that I mind getting together with his family; I just think it's unreasonable to expect that we should always give up our entire weekend each and every time - particularly when they're coming into town often.
Quote: You're right, I could certainly do that. However, I enjoy spending time with my H even if he doesn't put the same degree of importance on that time. It's not even that I mind getting together with his family; I just think it's unreasonable to expect that we should always give up our entire weekend each and every time - particularly when they're coming into town often.
I agree with how you feel...for a while my in laws lived just six miles down the road (an apt I found them when they were selling there house and not looking for a new place) and every single sunday morning (the only day that h doesn't work) fil would come knocking at the door at 7am, becuase we have young children we were always awake at that time making breakfast but it was still annoying to me...didn't seem to bother h much and that annoyed me all the more..felt like an invasion...the only way I found to deter it was to suggest we go out to breakfast one sunday and remind h to let fil know we wouldn't be home so that he wouldn't show up and find us not there...that at least changed fil's arival time to 10am a bit easier to deal with.
how about looking at it this way..they are h's family..try to understand his position with it..perhaps it doesn't thrill him either the way they impose but as I stated before maybe he's a conflict avoider people pleaser. Try not to blame h for their behavior.
Quote: I enjoy spending time with my H even if he doesn't put the same degree of importance on that time. It's not even that I mind getting together with his family; I just think it's unreasonable to expect that we should always give up our entire weekend each and every time - particularly when they're coming into town often.
He always seems to pick THEM over YOU. So in your mind, because he always seems to pick THEM over YOU, THEY must be more important... because if YOU were important, then he would be able to tell them no once in a while.
So, you are constantly putting your H in the middle by turning this into a contest. He ALWAYS feels pulled between YOU and his FAMILY. This guy can't win. I wouldn't be surprised if he harbored some feelings of resentment toward you... which may be feeding his LD.
This is not a contest. This, as your shrink says, is a problem he has in drawing boundaries, with you and with his family. He's trying to please everyone, and in so doing, pleases no one.
I understand your feelings toward the family, believe me, I do. I'm sure he knows that as soon as you hear brother football ticket holder is coming to town, he braces himself for your 'mood.'
But what if you took the exact opposite stance and tried to find the very best opportunity to enjoy your H's company given the situation? Do you really think you can only have fun with him under certain conditions? How can you make it more fun for yourself and for him?
What if, instead of seeing his family as the 'intruders' that they are, you find the hidden opportunties to make the situations the best they can be for you and him? I'm wondering that if you can find this in yourself, you won't be finding the exact thing you seem to think is so elusive: time with your H. You being his ally rather than the disgruntled wife is going to make his feelings of loyalty to you more strong than you making him feel guilty and torn. Who knows, with this type of support from you, you may find that it will be easier for him to tell his brother every now and then that he is more than welcome to stay at the house, but this time, the two of you have plans, and you'll see everyone when you all get home.
It's worth a shot anyway. Doesn't sound like they're going to stop dropping by any time soon, hm?
I have to jump in and second Corri's comments. Although the baseline situation isn't the same as yours, I frequently end up "caught" between two commitments, and I'm "damned if I do and damned if I don't." If I opt for the "urgent," then my wife is upset with me (sometimes for days) because "[she] always comes last." If, on the other hand, I stick to the "important" -- i.e., following through with whatever I'd agreed to previous to the emergency -- most of the time my wife is still mad at me. Either she's ticked off that I'd even consider changing plans (the thought alone "proving" that she comes last), or she assumes that I'm ticked off at her for not "letting" me do the "urgent," and then gets upset with me for being ticked off at her. Go Figure! Boundary issues aside, sometimes it's tempting to go with the "urgent" because then at least SOMEBODY will be happy with what I do! Now, in our case, I'm the HD partner, so this generally isn't enough to shut me down -- although it easily leads to an argument about my choice and/or my supposed "one track mind," and being upset with me definitely doesn't do her ardor any good!
I'm not saying to just be a doormat and keep putting up with your in-laws indefinitely -- what you've described really is ridiculous -- but find a way to give your husband on "escape route" while the two of you work on his boundary skills together. I think it was Einstein that defined insanity as "Repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So change something! I'm not sure what's best, but the current pattern isn't working. Find a way to give your husband a break (no, I don't mean his neck); if I were a betting man, I'd bet he feels as stuck by this situation as you do, if not more so. Good luck!
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
Quote: I'm not saying to just be a doormat and keep putting up with your in-laws indefinitely -- what you've described really is ridiculous -- but find a way to give your husband on "escape route" while the two of you work on his boundary skills together.
I think this is a good idea. I am one who has difficulty saying "no". In the past I would work long hours even tho I did not want to and even tho I knew my H did not like it, simply because I found it impossible to turn down the OT. I would have much rather spent the time with my H.
It doesn't sound like your H is getting a huge amount out of the time he spends with his family. At the same time a certain loyalty to your family is an admirable thing. He just needs to learn to put everyone in their proper places. OK he needs to learn to lie and cheat for his own good, I would say. Well lets call it diplomacy, see how much better that sounds.
Your H sounds like a good man. Just because his family does not deserve his consideration does not mean to say he does not care about them. That he would want to do things for people who have done nothing to earn that, does not really make him foolish. It means he is kind. He just needs to learn where to draw the line.
Don't be offended that while he cannot say no to them, he will in effect say it to you. In a way this shows the distinction he makes between you and the others. You are the one he trusts to be there for him. You are the one he shows his true feelings to. He knows that even if you are upset with him you will not disappear and never talk to him again. He is behaving a little like a child who is good as gold at school, but naughty at home. Perhaps it is a little hard to see such naughtyness as a sign of love and trust, but it is certainly there.
