I am really disgusted with myself...I called in sick today because I just cannot cope any more. I can't believe that I am letting all of these feelings of being unwanted and unloved mess up all of the other parts of my life.
No sex this weekend because "I" didn't do anything. Well, I'm sick and tired of nothing happening because "I" don't start things off. Doesn't a woman (or a man, for that matter) deserve to feel desired, loved, and wanted by their spouse AND know those feelings exist because their spouse cared enough to demonstrate those feelings?
My H doesn't care enough to show me those things. I know he loves me BUT has no desire (no pun intended) to express feelings in a sexual way. I just can't figure out why...people don't run away screaming when I'm out in public. It feels so awful to realize that you must be so horrible that your own H can't stand to touch you. I don't need a counselor to tell me what I already know.
I'm about 99.9% sure that I'm ready to just walk away from this. I love him yet I hate the way he is making me feel about myself.
Quote: I'm about 99.9% sure that I'm ready to just walk away from this.
Before you take that drastic step, tell us what you've done so far (on your own and with H) that has and hasn't worked. Let see if we can take this one step at a time.
I know exactly how you feel. My ability to perform at work is erratic. I don't care about much really. I really am becoming obsessed with finding a solution to my wife's lack of interest in me. It makes you feel like a chump.
While I am not as close as you seem to be to leaving, the thought does linger in my mind. I have determined to stay simply because of my teenage son.
Have you gone to the doc yet for anti-libido pills? Just kidding, sort of. I'm taking Paxil now and it seems to help lower the libido, at least physically. Are you seeing a therapist? I'm looking for one. I would definitely give that a chance before just splitting. If you're willing to let go of your marriage then I would try everything and anything, at that point, what have you got to lose. Somehow it seems like this approach would make it easier. We'll see.
Sorry, your love life sucks too. Don't you just wish we had a "love potion"?
Actually, I'd really like to take one of his hockey sticks to him right now:) We don't have kids together (except our chocolate lab); I have 2 teenagers that he is really good to though.
As I told him this morning, I used to just melt when he touched me (non-sexually no less), and I just don't feel that anymore. I don't feel much of anything right now. My H got a sample of Viagra from the doc last week; they're in the cabinet next to the razor he doesn't use during hockey season.
We've been together since '99. I have supported him in every way from helping out financially when business was slow to going to his (very) late night hockey games to be there for him. I don't push him about sex when I know he's had a bad day although sex always makes me feel better when I have bad days. He told me when we were first dating that his family and friends would always come first and that he would never put me before them. In some ways, that's still true because he will do anything for others while letting our marriage (sex life) slip away.
We have talked and talked about this issue. He knows how I feel and always promises to try harder. He NEVER initiates anything even though he thinks that he has when he puts his arm around me in bed. Then, if I don't do something, the blame is all mine. He NEVER touches me intimately...no foreplay...no nothing. I've also told him that I want to be touched. Still nothing. Then, it's my fault because I didn't tell him. He will only tolerate me touching him briefly before having sex AND only some of the time. I've told him that I enjoy touching him. Still nothing. He got the "magic" pill (Viagra) last week. Still nothing.
He always says that he wouldn't bother coming home if he didn't want to be with me. Somehow that doesn't make me feel wanted. He knows how I feel. I even asked him to tell me WHY he doesn't want me. He says that he does. Geez, it's a little hard to tell from my viewpoint.
I'm done talking to him. I can't fix this. I can't live like this; I'd rather be alone.
I know exactly how you feel. Everything you just said sounds very similar to my W. She doesn't like to touch or cuddle or anything. We did alot of that stuff before we were married and had a child. Now nothing. I don't even have the ability to start things because if I do she just gets mad because she doesnt want to be touched. So I am in the same boat as you. I have been thinking about moving on lately but we have a D and I really don't want to ruin her life or anything like that. I wish I had some very good advice but im still on my journey(Sp).
Quote: He got the "magic" pill (Viagra) last week. Still nothing.
From what I understand, Viagra only works to keep the penis filled with blood (erect). To get to that state, the desire and foreplay/desire/intimacy must be there. Since you say he isn't one for foreplay, I can see why it didn't work.
I wish I had some magic words for you, CO. Perhaps someone who is going, or has gone through the same sitch will have some good advice. All I can say is keep posting here. It's good to rant and vent on the PC screen, rather by words in person.
Yes, I know Viagra isn't the "fix." Whether it is for my H (mentally anyway) remains to be seen...he hasn't made any effort to use it. All 6 pills in the sample pack remain virgins:(
He does like to cuddle and touch but has no interest whatsoever in intimate touching, hence no foreplay. No latin lover this one (3/4 spanish, 1/4 italian).
Quote: My H doesn't care enough to show me those things. I know he loves me BUT has no desire (no pun intended) to express feelings in a sexual way. I just can't figure out why...people don't run away screaming when I'm out in public. It feels so awful to realize that you must be so horrible that your own H can't stand to touch you. I don't need a counselor to tell me what I already know.
I'm about 99.9% sure that I'm ready to just walk away from this. I love him yet I hate the way he is making me feel about myself.
From the other side of the looking glass. For whatever reason, in my case anger and a little depression thrown on top, some of us fools don't think what not being intimate with our spouses does to them. Up until now, I just didn't have clue. All I heard from my wife was nag nag or insult. This shut the door to what she was really saying. She never came up and told Blackrook what she really wanted. Sometimes, you can get what you want by being straight forward.
My wife is I believe 95% sure she wants out. She has told me she doesn't love me but then said she doesn't feel anything except less than a woman. IF I had only knew. I would have given a hug when I wasn't ready to go further. I would validate and let her know she is my best friend, lover, that big missing feeling I have in my heart right now.
Ask for what you want. Time it out right, don't wait until Nascar comes on like my W did and don't wait for Star Trek. Catch me when you know I'll be listening. Try to work it out and please don't leave him. We don't want to see your H on this board.
P.S. Check out my saga in this form under W wants out of sex starved marriage. Please join in and help Blackrook keep his queen. I was a fool.
I sat down and wrote my H a letter while he was playing hockey Mon. night. I basically told him that I didn't understand why, if he loves me, he never wants to touch me. I explained that I enjoyed touching him but that he didn't seem to want my touch. I went on to say that I felt that he withholds his touch from me.
Then, I agreed to try counseling. However, I asked that we cease all physical contact in the meantime. (He does like to cuddle and touch, just nothing in any way intimate.) I told him that it just hurt me too much to have the touching and then nothing beyond the cuddling and hand-holding.
I also told him that I loved him but would no longer participate in other parts of his life (i.e., cheering him on at his hockey games). I have always been there for him. I said that I would never ask him for sex, not get mad at him for the lack of sex, and would not attempt to touch him in any way.
He got home from playing hockey around midnight, read the letter, and immediately came to bed...I was so shocked that I forgot to say no (and forgot the request for no physical contact). Geez, I should have written him that letter a long time ago.
We're going to counseling next Weds.; please keep your fingers crossed for us.
