Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

Puppy, thank you so much for responding. I have read many of your threads/discussions, and without knowing you, I would say you are a pretty good judge of things. The PI starts next week, and is only for 2 days-all I can afford. I don't know if I am prepared for the results, in that, I am a pretty emotional guy. Not sure how I will handle the truth. But, I am willing to work through it, if there is infidelity. The main thing is, will she? I will have to wait on the books until I get back for R & R next month. I am determined to stay at my home, and then take my boys on a road trip somewhere without her. She asked me where I am taking them, I just said that I didn't know yet. My question is, what can I do from so far away, to begin this difficult process? What do I do if I find out the OM is a reality? Do I confront her immediately? Do I expose it to family and friends? Do I just act as if I am fine with whatever decision she has made? I just have so many questions about this situation. Thanks again.

Hang in there, SD. Those with more knowledge will be here to help soon. Do everything they say.

Where do you live in Texas?

SD, I second the books Puppy recommended. You wife has HUGE emotional needs - being very overweight (stuffing the emotional hole with food), then losing the weight and getting attention. When you were home you kept filling the emotional holes. This is unhealthy for both of you - read the books (Google the names and you can get some info now on-line).

I spent 9 years flying in the AF. Your wife will still be watching you. She knows more about what's going on at camp than you. What do you do? You take care of yourself - emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

If the OM is a reality then you set a "boundary." Do your homework on this topic.

Do not expose to friends and family.

You will not be fine with her behavior, she can do whatever she wants. You will act as if about wanting to be the husband of a woman who doesn't want or respect you. You only control yourself right now.

Be a great Dad to your kids, do the work on yourself, ask questions, open your mind and know that you will thrive thru this. You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

Coach, I agree with everything you wrote. Someone else has filled that emotional need, and that is not acceptable to me. I want/will do whatever I have to do to bring her "home". I sometimes forget that she has mad a sacrifice too, but that in no way is justification for cheating. Any suggestions for me while I am home for my 2 week R & R, especially considering I will know about OM by then? Do I tell her I know, and leave it back in her court? I just want to do this right, and I am disciplined enough to do it, just need the instructions!!! Thanks again.

BOUNDARIES about her behavior that is unacceptable.

Plan lot's of time with your kids.

Enter your castle like the returning warrior you are.

Coach, I am researching boundaries, but can't find a thread-is there one? Also, if I find out about OM, and have proof, do I tell her that I know, and how much I know-ie name address etc? She told me a week ago, that she is going to drop my truck, and the boys off at the airport, and that she hopes I have a place to stay. I haven't said anything to her about staying at the house, but that is exactly where I am staying. Also, should I sleep in our bed, or don't even push that? Sorry for so many questions, I have so many. This is made even more difficult, because I am so far away. I feel like the old -out of sight out of mind.

I wouldn't move out, and I'd sleep in the bed. If she wants out, let her do the work.

I'm in Texas too. Want me to go slap some sense into her. LOL

Sad Girl, not sure it would do any good. Right now, she is not the same woman I married. I'm just not sure what actions I need to be taking-other than the things coach has said-been working on thise for a while now. I am really worried about how I am going to react if there is in fact an OM. Everything points to that, so I guess it shouldn't be such a suprise, but it is gonna be a swift kick, if you know what I mean. Also, she has told her family the reason she is leaving, and they are all angry at her for doing so. I proposed MC when she first said it, but she just siad "you will never change". Then it turned into I don't love you anymore, to I fell out of love with you a long time ago. I mean, should I even work to keep this woman? I love her, but at what cost? I dunno. Do I tell her I know after I find out, if there is OM? It's just so much sometimes.

She is saying what they ALL say. It's script. She is saying the words that make her feel justified in what she's doing. Trust me, we have all heard some form of everything you are hearing. Let it roll off your back. What she says and does is not important right now.

I wouldn't say much about the OM other than to tell her that you aren't willing to live in an open marriage. If she feels she needs to continue a relationship with him, she'll have to find a new home to do it in. If you force it, you'll push her further towards him.

I don't even think you should be focusing on working to keep her now. She has mentally left you. You need to focus on getting home safely, reuniting with your kids, and taking care of YOU.

Coach, saw the link on boundaries-thank you. My question is, how does someone put a boundary on something that he has no way of enforcing, in my case, because I will be leaving again in 2 weeks? I have an idea about how to set that boundary, but not sure. I feel disrespected because you have chosen OM over your own family. If you continue the affair, I will____. I dunno, just not sure how to broach this, and have it be effective, and set that boundary. I mean, she can say whatever she wants, but how will I really know-I'm half way around the world?