Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still in the tunnel with hubby

Hi Chel,

Sorry your H left you such a mess at home and work. Hard not to focus feelings on the relationship when you're working on cleaning up stuff!

I don't think there are many street performers on Pearl Street this time of year and unfortunately we've had the cold spell everyone else has had so our sunshine has been more absent than usual. I've been getting out and running Christmas errands-really need to do some cleanup/organization in the basement but just haven't gotten to it.

H dropped by unannounced this afternoon hoping to spend some time with the girls. They both were 'occupied' with watching tv/texting/studying so he didn't end up spending much time with them, sadly. I invited H for a walk outside but it was short due to the cold wind we have today. I offered H some tea and he stayed for a bit.

He was really in a fog-said he went to bed at 7pm last night and woke up at 7am and was trying to wake up the rest of the day. Still he found ways to criticize or question things I said today which was nothing heavy, just about shopping with D12 and the dance performance we saw yesterday. D14 considers that 'fighting', even though I let H criticize/question and I don't defend..just move on... Hard to find the balance there. Sadly D14 says she would rather H just doesn't come over if he's going to be like that (and she's the one closest to him now)..

So H left on an OK note. He was sad the girls didn't want to spend time with him.

I have so much cleaning/cooking/laundry/grocery shopping to do I can't even find a minute to read the books I got from the library last week...thought I'd have some "breather" today..but none yet.

Grace: I wish I could have your way with words! I just don't seem to get it together quick enough!

Chel: Hang in there. Keep busy, Keep moving!

Hugs and Handshakes to ALL!!!!

Still staying Dim. Talked to H's best friend. He thought H was drinking alot lately as H described being hung over the next day(might explain the zombiness last Sunday)-which is pretty unusual for H.

Monday night H came over to have dinner with the girls while I went to book club. Both girls had eaten and had lots of studying to do so H ended up eating alone while D14 talked to him a bit. H let out a few zingers my way while I was home.

Said he was the "bigger" person b/c he moved out as it was clear I wasn't going to. I stated calmly that I didn't want him to leave and I wanted to stay married. H unfortunately saw the box containing one of his Christmas presents( a light therapy lamp- I know sounds like a great gift right??? ;)) and said he hoped I had the receipt b/c he didn't like it..thought I was diagnosing him(our MC suggested it to H)..

So H is fully self-absorbed, angry, depressed...venting at me as the cause of everything wrong...I really am having an easy time not contacting him, but am not doing so well not thinking about him. I am definitely not ignoring my needs and am focusing on myself more. I'm hopeful that the anger will dissipate someday soon.

KJ-

Sorry to see you are still being projected all over. Yuck. You sound like you are handling it well. Hopefully he will eventually (sooner rather than later) realize you should not be the focus of his anger.

They really don't like being "diagnosed", do they? I told my H very early on, pre-DB, that I thought he was maybe bipolar or having a midlife crisis (that was based on what I knew to be going on in his head). He reamed me over the coals for "putting him in a box." Seems like he already did that himself - read the MLC for dummies manual and everything. I haven't said anything like that to him for months now. Maybe he will figure it out eventually.

Hi TF,
Diagnosing was one of my bad habits, being in the medical profession, I can usually figure simple things out and suggest strategies or suggestions that can help. H used to appreciate this knowledge but I think when he slipped into the MLC this became one of his pet peeves, along with suddenly hating our cat.

I've stopped mothering. I've stopped diagnosing on my own. Permanent changes (except in regard to the girls).

I'm sad today. My lawyer emailed me last night that H's lawyer was preparing to file papers for a divorce and serve me. H's lawyer wanted to know if my lawyer would accept the papers on my behalf- I said "sure"...

I spoke to H about D14 and I told him his lawyer was having me served and H said he didn't know anything about it...I asked H if he ever talked to his lawyer about filing for legl separaation vs divorce and H got quiet then said "that is what you wanted, not what I want"..

H seems extrememly solid on wanting a divorce. No waffling. Makes me wonder if thinking H is in MLC is just a rationalization I've grasped onto, and my H really has never loved me and can't wait to extricate himself from my life.

One minute I'm fine and can imagine a life without H and the next I'm a basket case(in private) feeling extreme rejection and anger/hate from H.

I feel like I need to have some kind of picture of what my future will look/feel like just to move on, move forward and manage my emotions better.

Guess I'm still deep into grieving the loss. It sucks.

Another day, another change....

H and I had to meet up at the city courthouse for D14's curfew violation from October(she has to serve 10 hours community service). H was nice and friendly.

Later he emailed me that he'd talked to D14 about coming over Christmas AM -what did I think..did I have any issues?

His emails are always pretty chipper with "Have a nice afternoon!" or something..
I called him this morning (first time in a week) to confimr the court stuff and he actually sounded happy to hear from me...

Not reading anything inot it-just noting the wackiness/fluctuation...Like he's made a decision to D and thinks we're all going to be happy and hunky dory through this change.

Just kind of weird to me.

Off for two weeks of vacation(staying home with the girls and doing fun stuff)! Yeah!!

Hello KJ

Life sounds very tough at the moment and I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

It doesn't seem to matter where the MLC man is on his journey they continue to play with our minds and emotions. They cycle in and they cycle out. This just continues to confuse us when we are trying to move forward and rebuild our lives.

Hopefully you will have a lovely break with the family with lots of fun and laughter.

Your H's loss.

Hi Libby,
It is hard..feeling more the finality of H breaking with me. The doubts as to whether he will ever come back, whether I'll want him back, worrying about the effects of this change on my girls.

I think its hard finding a way to maneuver through this change without resorting to more 'childish' emotions..the inner child in me wants to scream and plead for H to reconsider, to yell at him for being dense..you know- express all those things that flit through our brains and emotions that we keep in check.

Thanks for your thoughts. Most stages for us LBS are difficult depending on where we are in our journey and where our MLCer is in his/her journey. The thing we can count on is it will change, its inevitable if we want to grow..something will change. I know if given the choice, I'd rather be the LBS than the person in MLC-its seems to be a very tortured journey for them.

Hi KJ

My biggest fear is my H asking for a divorce and making it final.

Before he left in Sept he said 'we will seperate, divorce and I will marry someone else'. At the moment he hasn't mentioned it since so I have my fingers crossed that he might soften on that decision for a while.

Who knows on this journey.

They will say things based on their feelings at that moment.

K,
I was reading through the archives and found this post from Rollercoasterider to butterflymom in May of 07. I am hoping this might help you in some way.

Dennis

Well, you've said he can come home, so now you must stick to that unless something happens or you have a good reason to give him.

Given that...prepare that he may not be ready and may leave again--sorry but you need to know that he is not ready and that you are also taking some responsibility here. I am concerned that you will be angry and give it all up if he leaves again...so know what you are going in to...youare taking back a broken man.

He may mean everything he says. But OW's cling and MLCers at this stage usually lack the strength to resist. They also may be un willing or not ready for what is needed in counseling...for looking into themselves and doing the hard work...it is hard, scary and not a striaght path...as you go through this some things will seem to work and then perhaps stop working after a time...but this is part of the process. Many give up because they beleive it isn't working. Couples need to stick to it through these tought imes, and MLCers are not capable of that.

SO what I want you to ask yourself is what are you going to do given that he may leave or not be able to follow through with counseling etc. He is broken and scared and unprepared for what the Ow will be doing in the next weeks or months. He thinks it is over with her...but it may really be just beginning.

The Withdrawal period of the break-up (not MLC withdrawal Phase) is unexpected, difficult and those who are not prepared fall. Often the MLCer goes back...only to return again later.

I don't think Sweetheart's six returns are normal--a fewmay be within norm, but six is a lot. Please don't let that scare you.

There is a reconciliation program book "Irreconilable Differences" that outlines a 4 or 6 month counseling program. If the couple is living together that is not to cahnge, if apart, that is not to change. Contracts are signed...but in MLC contracts are meaningless--I knew Sweetheart wasn't ready and didn't push the contract--we tried the program on his FIRST return. But I had to do something...though I knew it wasn't going to work...part of the process.

So call counselors. Interview them about MLC and infidelity. Are they pro-marriage? DO they have any personal statistics--reconciliation rate?

This is a big step. I don't think it's the wrong step. But I want you to know and prepare for what may be ahead. If you will absolutely not put up with him leaving again, this may be a mistake...because you are taking a rsik by accepting back someone before he is strong enough. Think about whether that is the right thing to do or not.

I know you've got the kids and don't want them disrupted. That is a good reason for not wanting multiple returns, and thus saying no. But their lives are going to be disrupted regardless...and in the END they will be better off with both of you at home (in my opinion) whether he ends up at home after leaving again and maybe again, or stays home this time

Hi Dennis,

It was helpful. I've been doing a lot of introspective thinking about getting divorced. I think that because I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment, and lived through my parent's bitter divorce where I was often placed in the middle, that the thought of being divorced felt like a HUGE failure to me, and a very scary proposition.

I am slowly, mentally coming to terms with it. I know I'll be OK. I think the kids will be OK, although who knows what the fallout of all this will be in their futures since they are at such an age of development.

I am detaching more from H. I don't really think about him 24/7...more like 2/7! LOL

Thing that still bother me:
That H thinks everything will "be fine" during the divorce process, like I don't have hurt feelings to process, or anger...

That I may not want H after all is said and done, once a D is final. Will I be able to trust him again if he 'comes back'-trust that he really would love me and stay with me the rest of our lives? I know thats a "nonsense" worry since I may never get to that place, and if so its WAY down the road...

That my girls will have to split there time between two homes, potentially--thats hard on kids!

Libby,

Whether a D is imminent or not is hard to predict..So don't. As you can see with my situation, I've been asked for a D twice by my H. This time he's going further, letting the lawyer file papers...I still don;t know if we'll get to the end and be divorced..possibly since the timetable is short in CO(90 days). But,,alot can happen in 90 days! (See Finally Free/Happy Again's posts- the links are on page 24 of this thread)...

Be prepared either way. Be OK either way. Be strong and calm within yourself.