Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still in the tunnel with hubby

Being stressed is a killer (plus, if you spell it backwards it's desserts!).

Make sure your taking care of yourself and getting plenty of rest and IMO exercise.

I'm sure the concert will be awesome, so have a good time and take all those embarassing photos.

HUGS

Thanks for the virtual hug!
Got the letter from H's lawyer today. Guess I need to find a lawyer.

It threw me a bit b/c I see H almost daily and he hasn't mentionned D or the letter even though he's setting the ball rolling. I mentionned that our MC had said its mandatory to do a parenting class together and H was almost excited about doing it and getting it done and out of the way ahead of time...

I don't understand his urgency. If I could go dark I would.
I really don't feel anything like love towards him right now. I'm certainly not "in love" with him. I don't see any redeeming qualities about him, I just feel the pain he is causing me and this family.

all the feelings or not feeling towards our H are just part of the process of healing
I think it fades in time but I still care
it comes and goes
but I tend to see him for who he is right now instead of the fantasy I saw a year ago
It is good to see reality for what it is
Take care of yourself here
the D becomes a financial business deal
at this point
think of
yourself and your kids
they often dont tell us about the filing and like to avoid and keep secrets

they have to travel the road
My xh has now lost everything including his business..the list is long yet he still continues the road he chose with no looking back
they chose it and I believe they have to do it for whatever the reasons
peace

K

I don't have much to say.

Just have faith, K. Have faith.

Thanks for checking in D- I was wondering how you are doing?
My faith waxes and wanes.
I'm not in the pining for H mode I was in the first time he left.
I feel alot of hurt even though I know I should remember this is the confused alien doing this...

I see a lawyer tomorrow. I mentionned to the lawyer that I didn't want a divorce but I don't think H will go for a legal separation(which is one paper away from a divorce)..but maybe he'll be open to it. We have to go to mediation in Colorado and a mandatory co-parenting class. Learning as I go, sadly.

When H calls and I talk to him and every-so-often as how he's doing he says "fine"...when he's having a hard time he usually says so...so maybe he's really going through with this and believing this will 'fix' his depression.

Been looking back through old journal postings and emails from the first time around. H felt I didn't appreciate him, he felt invisible, he felt lonely.

I know through our work/MC that I was verbally appreciating H alot, I was always trying to engage him in activities/errands.
I was listening better and not interrupting(bad habit).
He did live in a house of three 'women' so I can understand feeling left out a bit, especially if you make no effort to stay involved. I wonder what more I could have done. If its MLC, then I guess the answer is "nothing.".

I guess I do miss him, even though I was trying to convince myself otherwise.

Hello K

One of the 'reasons' my H gave for leaving was that he was so lonely in the family.

I watched how he bahaved one day and I actually witnessed him withdraw himself in the kitchen where 4 other people were. My D21 also noticed and went and stood by him and he withdrew further despite her efforts and like your H he remained uninvolved.

So although he complained of feeling lonely I believe his depression had caused him to withdraw.

MLC has a lot to answer for!!!!!!!!

My xh said the same
He felt invisible and despite all the changes we all tried to make and show them it was too late
the crises has to run its course
some spouses do return
just follow your heart
you will know what to so and be led every step of the way
peace

Thinking about you K. Your doing ok. I saw my IC yesterday and wondered why I was handling it better than the first time around, was I lying to myself only to fall apart later.

She said:

Sandy last time the rug was pulled out from under your feet..when he came back you never put both feet on the rug again so your not suprised this happened... you saw it coming so your better prepared emotionally to deal with this.

Makes sense, in that by the time H came back the first time I was doing good so I know that in time things will be fine for me. I will have a great life and I can't tell you how nice it is to not have to walk on egg shells, constantly worry about H and his needs and feelings and concentrate on mine and the kids. It's blissful at times.

I mourn for the loss but that's what I am suppose to do. Your going to be ok... you are strong!

Hi Sandycay,
I'm still hoping to bust this D.. Met with lawyer today and am hoping that H will agree to file for a legal separation rather than D..if/when his lawyer files. H said he's overwhelmed by the amount of stuff they want him to fill out.

H was very touchy today. H said he had 20 pages of stuff to fill out and I asked him if he would mind making a copy of stuff for me since most of the documents are probably at his office/computer. He didn't say anything but later told me it made him angry that I asked , like I took him for granted that he had 10 hours to devote to copying stuff for me...

I apologized.

D12 went home from school sick yesterday and I missed 6 hours of work to pick her up and stay with her. Today she tried to go to school(an in hindsight I stupidly let her determine this) and after she'd been there 10 minutes she called H to pick her up(b/b I asked her to call him if she needed to go home since I couldn't miss more work easily). H thought she was 'playing him' by taking him away from work to pick her up..since she is mad at him and doesn't want to talk to him or be around him...not what she would do in my opinion.

His filter is that he is a victim/being stepped on.

Its hard to fight those filters.

I'm doing fine K. I've had a couple small positives from my wife over the past few days. Fighting the urge to pursue.

As for you, you sound like you're handling things better after the initial wave. I am so very proud of how you've handled things.

You don't fight his filters. Validate and move on. It sounds like your H has a lot of anger come up that he's been projecting onto you for the past few weeks. Weather the storm. You're doing great even though you may not feel like you are.