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Really? How did it work out for you dburt?

paitence grasshopper. paitence.

Look how many years it took to get to this point.

11 months later we are in a great place, truly partners and confident that it is getting better each day. It is a long process and at the end of it, you find yourself in a better place than you were before the big one dropped.

I became a man again, a fun person to be around, and a leader of my family. But you have to stand up first, to get there.

I would not want this whole thing to happen again, but now my wife and I are in a far better place in our relationship than before.

Submit to what everyone is telling you, and go with it, be confident in all of your decisions and let her know that you would be a heck of a catch for someone out there.

Burt

Thanks dburt. I am glad it is working out so well for you. The point about not wanting this to happen again is well taken. I told my wife that I have learned some things about myself that I might not have learned otherwise. This seemed to puzzle her.

I am relearning how to stand up. I have established some boundries though. A bit of background, We had been sleeping in the guest room due to renovations to our master bedroom. About a week ago my wife returned to our bedroom. I, in an effort to detach, remamained in the spare room. I did not discuss it. I did not make any mention of it at all. I sort of enjoyed the distancing. I rather enjoyed it. I had my own space and read and did as I felt. Anyway, last friday, I decided to return to my bed. The decision to do it on that date was motivated, in part, by my D11 question, 'Are you and mommy sleeping in your room again?'(Now that the work is complete.) I hestated, but told her, Yes. Later, I told my wife that I was returning to my bed and she was free to sleep in my bed or elsewere. I also told her the reason I had descided to do so immediately. Wow! this angred her. She said words to the effect, 'What am I supposed to do?' I told her I would not list her options for her. (This was the boundry. Essentially, I was saying, this is what I am doing, this is why. My responsibility ends here.) Previusly, I would have not done this, but rather would have placated her, slept in the guest room and told myself how chivalrous I was. She slept in the office on the floor and woke up with a cold. She was very angry all day saturday. She even refused to sit with me at our daughters recital. Later she exploded in a rage. 'You walk around her with a smile on your face like you are just fine with things and look down your nose at me.How can you be so calm, do you know what is going to happen.' If you are determined to divorce, I cannot stop you. I hope you think about whether this will make you happy because it is a lot to through away.' This took her aback. She responded with 'I am miserable. If I stay in this sitch, I will end up clinically depressed.' (You are the reason I am unhappy and I am leaving.) I remained calm and did not match her ire or react. I listened and told her I was sorry she was suffering. Then, after an appropriate interval, returned to my book. She took the opportunity to have the last word, I think frustrated that I had not pleaded with her not to threaten divorce. She said 'I am meeting with a lawyer on monday.' Sunday, I faced the question, Later on, I told her that I had previously made an appt with our MC and had arranged child care if she would like to attend. She asked what would we talk about, I said I do not have a specific agenda at this time. She did not commit. I have not pursued her on this point.

I don't know if she met with a lawyer or not. I did not ask. Not going to.

Yesterday, I sensed she wanted some contact. I rebuffed her a couple of times and when she persisted, I responded. She opened up to me about a bad day she had last week. I did not attempt to solve her problem, I did not try to fix the situation, I did not try to manipulate the situation to suit me. I listened and remained present. I am not sure if this was effective, but I hope there was a stark contrast between my previous compulsive tendancy to solve the problem or assume responsibiilty for her pain or be overly comforting. At the appropriate time, I opened up a bit about my day and a book I recently read. She said she would like to read it too. Is this pursuing on her part? And do you guys think, I played the game appropriately?

I think it was great you moved back into the bed. Don't give her multiple options, she can figure out her own options. If she gives you crap, just say that she is more than welcome to sleep in OUR bed.

And lay off the MC for now. Continue to confuse her with this new you.

Burt

Yes, that was really good!

Puppy

Thanks for the feedback guys. ALso, PDT, I recently read your sitch post redux. I have somethings to learn from you.

I see dburts point about laying off the MC. I had previously cancelled an appt telling her that I didn't believe enough time had passed. Anyway, I scheduled this appt because I wanted to get in before the holiday, probobly in a moment of weekness. I do not plan to revisit the topic with her. If she brings it up, I will tell her that I made the appointment and intend to keep it as an IC. If she announces an intention to come--frankly, I am not sure what we would talk about. She doesn't want to talk about marriage and I will not talk about divorce or seperation. Any thoughts?

I am getting a bit more action. Today, her texts took a different tone. (Of course, she needed something but, she asked differently today.) I responded all business with a short phone response which was appropriate under my circumstances of the moment. She later texted to as "All Ok". I did not respond immediately. But at an appropriate time I called to tell her the plan to make the exchange of certain items. We met at a at a resturaunt where she was having lunch with a gf. She was all smiles toward me and congratulated me on an accomplishment at work. (I did not mention the achievement, I waited for her to ask.) Her friend proposed a group hug. This is the first physical contact between us in several weeks. I made a courteous and quickly departure. She called twenty minutes later to congratulate me again and thank me again for a scheduling accomidation (the true beneficiary was the D11 and D7). I told her it just worked out timing wise that I was able to do it.I probobly went over board here: In response to her further congratulations I said "Thank you" three times. I think it was in response to several acalades from her. Then, moved to end an conversation. I believe she had more on her mind. Am I starting to see some signs of being pursued or is it just the way the wind is blowing right now? Who knows. I am starting to look for boundries to assert. Thanks guys.

Um, maybe the Steelers recent skid?

Marriage________________Divorce/Seperation

What's the thing in the middle she's doing that's keeping her from wanting to talk about being married? What's the thing that could cause you to get divorced/seperated regardless of whether you want to talk about it or not?

A wife wants her husband to stand up and fight for her. She's noticing the changes, she wants to see how committed you are to her. She expects you to call her out on her bad behavior.