Are you saying to set some firm boundaries about what I want, and lay them down?
Yes, you should have boundaries in all of your relationships based on what you want, or rather who you are. Often, one party to a relationship will let the other define who he/she is--i.e. I am so busy trying to mold myself in such a way that my spouse will approve that I lose sight of the core values and principles that made me who I am.
So, what are your core values and principles? Who is Dr. Norseman and what does he want to teach his boys to be? Answer those questions, and your boundaries of personal integrity will become clearer.
On a practical level, I see you worrying far too much about what your wife thinks about MC. What do you want out of MC--not what do you want your wife to do, but what does Norseman hope to acheive that is consistent with his core values and principles.
And darnit! See an attorney! Wayward spouses have been known to be unpredictable and irresponsible. If it were just you wanting to submit to your wife's whims, that would be one thing. Those boys depend on you and need somebody (you) to look out for their future.
-Thurs, Thanksgiving-wife has a "shaving" accident in the shower. "oops" she said, "I went a little too far, so I have to take it all off" Whatever. -Black Fri-gone all day, I cant reach her, supposedly at work, returns at 6 with hair in pony tail (she left in work clothes) -Sat-We are at IKEA and I get a text from her lover (!!!!) telling me to pass on a message about a guy at the bank (where she works) whose father died. When I asked who this was contacting me, his exact words were: "Gimme a break, you know this number. Just pass on the message please" Are you friggin kidding me? Wife reacted by saying, "How do you want me to react? there's no right way to do it!"
Barf...block that number, for your own sanity. Separate your cell phone account from that of your wife and make her pay for her own. As for the Brazilian thing...you should have called her on the dishonesty of it.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
-So, as I head to our counseling session Thurs, am I simply handing her over to this punk? My man side of my psyche wants to:
-fully OUT the affair at work, including calling his boss, calling her boss, etc -contact his soon to be exwife via facebook -hire a P.I. or start tracking her, etc with GPS... -Hire an attorney -Change the locks on the house so she can't come and go.
Ruining her career is probably cutting off your own nose to spite your face. It is also spiteful. Is htat who you want to be? As for the rest of it, what are your boundaries of personal integrity? Do you have a strategy for protecting yourself and your boys? How does each of your actions fit with that strategy?
Barf...block that number, for your own sanity. Separate your cell phone account from that of your wife and make her pay for her own. As for the Brazilian thing...you should have called her on the dishonesty of it.
Ditto. Block the number.
You should have said to her "Look, if you want to shave your p*ssy for another man, knock yourself out. Just please don't sit there and lie to me about it -- I'm NOT that stupid, and frankly, it's very unattractive."
Your attorney can advise you about hiring a PI and changing the locks. The only reason to hire a PI is if infidelity provides a legal advantage in your state. Otherwise, save your money. You know what is happening. The photos will only make you feel worse about it. You need to get separation and custody agreements in place ASAP. Until you have something in writing, you and your boys are not protected financially or legally.
Doing these things accomplish two goals: 1. Protecting you and your boys and 2. Forcing her to take responsibility for her decisions and their consequences. A positive byproduct of this is that you will feel more in control of the situation.
Thanks Nut and Puppy. Great advice, which I will take to heart.
Puppy, I said exactly those words to her when she had the "shower accident." Almost verbatim.
Stupid question: How do I block a number? Should I just block it on my phone? Do I call TMobile to do that?
Ohio is a no fault state, so maybe I dont get a PI. I'm darn sure going to stop worrying about her and start taking better care of me and my boys. I am going to model what toughness really is for them, and I know I can do that while detaching comfortably.
UPDATE: Saw my wife at my son's Xmas Holiday Program today at his preschool. She was very apologetic about being late this morning, and said she wants to stay the night tonight bc she misses her boys. Also wants to get a Xmas tree and decorate it.
My thoughts: First, I don't want her home! I'm getting comfortable with my night time routine with the boys, and I am now watching Deadwood, the entire series, straight through. So she's interrupting that, and it pisses me off. Second, I don't want her thinking she can come and go like this.
My solutions:
1. Have a talk to her about laying out living arrangements. I.e., no coming and going, you can see the boys these days, etc. If she fights me on coming and going, I'm going to insist on a legal separation complete with all the docs that go with that. Right now we are simply separated by homes.
2. I'm going to go on some coffee dates with women. I'm not in any shape to get into anything big and emotional, but I feel better knowing that my WAW isn't the only woman in the world. Plus, who doesn't want to feel wanted?
3. I'm going to demand that she get a room at an extended stay hotel for a home base, so I can drop boys off, etc. They need a mom that's stable and in one place. I think she's been staying with Mr Dbag the past few nights.
Thoughts? Appreciate everyone's help. It would be cool to have DB In-Person groups by cities, so everyone could meet one night a week or something and support each other.
I'm darn sure going to stop worrying about her and start taking better care of me and my boys. I am going to model what toughness really is for them, and I know I can do that while detaching comfortably. UPDATE: Saw my wife at my son's Xmas Holiday Program today at his preschool. She was very apologetic about being late this morning, and said she wants to stay the night tonight bc she misses her boys. Also wants to get a Xmas tree and decorate it.
"Wife, I have decided I will not share you with another man. As long as you are involved in any way with another man I will not allow you back in the house."
that's the boundary - her behavior and the consequences
she's testing your resolve.
Norse, You sound good from that last post. You have to think thru this and you are. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Darn good response Coach. I wish I would have said that.
So we will be decorating a tree tonight. But I'll say that during the course of the night. I don't want her in the house, not like this, not on these terms, etc.
Yes, I feel I'm better when I focus on what I want, and that I have a choice about whether I want to choose to be with her when she's acting like a petulant 17 y/o.
People on this board are some of the brightest people I know. And I hang around supposedly smart people for a living.
UPDATE: Saw my wife at my son's Xmas Holiday Program today at his preschool. She was very apologetic about being late this morning, and said she wants to stay the night tonight bc she misses her boys. Also wants to get a Xmas tree and decorate it.
Or Señor new guy is indisposed. How do you know about his marital status? Did you get that from your wife? She might have lied to you or he might have lied to her. It might be worth an email to his wife.
In any event, she is doing what Puppy calls "normalizing." That is she is trying to retain the parts of family life that she likes while destroying the marriage. Coach is right...she is testing you to see if you'll let her get away with it.
Don't wait for her to fight you on the coming and going, have an attorney spell it out in writing. As long as you are "discussing" the matter between the two of you, she will feel that she has room to negotiate. Read Coach's thread. One of the reasons for his success is that he played hard ball, and never blinked.
Yes, wife confirmed that dbag is in middle of divorce. He has three kids. He also was in counseling when he decided to hit on my wife, who was diagnosed with MS early last year. Grade A dbag.
I like the idea about normalizing, it makes sense. I'm not going to let her double dip.
UPDATE: So I came home tonight, and she had gotten out the decorations, and we went to get a tree. I didn't talk much, just turned up the music and sang, and she was more chatty, talking about various topics. As soon as we got the tree up, she conveniently got a missed call, and she went outside to smoke and return it, and returned saying it was a friend from work (the female friend who supposedly she stayed with last night...) and she needed my wife to babysit because her mother is in the hospital. So I responded, without batting an eye, "Ok, so that means you need to go stay with her tonight, right? Before you leave, we need to set a few guidelines though." And I proceeded to discuss my rules:
-She is not to come back in the house after tomorrow without extended notice, and she is not allowed to come close to moving back in until the affair is over. No negotiation on that.
-She needs to get the extended stay hotel chosen, and fast (tomorrow), so I can plan my weeks without her coming and going. Her boys need to know where she is staying so they can feel more stable also.
Wife agreed, saying that was "fine" but her head was bowed, like a kid that was taking a timeout. I don't care. Natural consequences.
I'm actually excited she's out. I didn't want her here tonight. And now I can watch Deadwood again. And enjoy a beer.
