I just think you should slow down. You pursued H by asking him to reconcile with you, he shot you down. You're pissed and hurt. Wait until you have a better grip on your emotions to act.
I seldom see mediation work. If you want to try it, fine. But YOU should see a L first before you see the mediator. No need to tell H that this is your plan. D is business, you don't show your whole hand. Anyway, you need to see your own L so that you clearly know your rights, know how to protect yourself financially right now, know whether you may kick him out, and know what a good deal is in terms of alimony and child support. Whatever you do, keep any D talk strictly business. Don't try to make a point with it, don't try to make him see the light with it, don't try to prove how great you are, etc... And, the longer the process goes on, the less generous H will be. If you see a good deal that is better than what you'd expect the state to do, snap it up. If you google "new jersey divorce alimony" you'll find tons of resources.
Now, with respect to H: H WILL LIE about the A. Period. People who are cheating, lie. I would be very surprised if X were not having sex with OW. Moreover, given adultery is grounds for divorce, which he probably knows, there is no way he is going to be honest with you about having sex with someone else.
BTW, it sounds like he is getting pressure to spend Christmas Eve with his GF.
Back off, quit pursuing, quit plotting about how to get H into therapy. Until H has more space than he wants for a long period of time, H is not going to reconsider anything. Back off. Take a break.
Next time he tries to D-talk with you, just tell him to back off, you need some space. Slooooooowwwww Dooooowwwwwnnnn. You seem to be brand new here. Nothing is going to happen in a few short weeks.
*Maybe* in several months, after a lot of real space, H will look at himself. Where do you want him to be living at such a point in time?
Slow down...yup. Satin sheets...yup. To do list...yup. A D consult is cheap, and you learn a lot. It does not mean you are divorced. I had two consults before I filed, which I was able to do by myself, with the help of a mediator (they come in quite handy). Full disclosure: I let the case drop but I can always refile if I want. I'm working on Boundaries myself, wanted you to know mediation can work. So can Retrovaille. Not helpful for every sitch. If there is an active 3rd party, they (Retro) need to know. Have you ever done a Marriage Encounter or was your marriage prep done in the Church? Just curious. Hang in there! Peace. p.s. When you are new, you get a lot of advice and sometimes it conflicts, which I remember can be confusing. If someone offers unwelcome advice, a good boundary would be to say, "I'm going to go a different direction. But thanks for thinking of me."
Last edited by goldeylox; 12/08/0902:04 PM. Reason: boundary
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
I cannot stress that point enough. I don't care what state you are in or what the divorce laws are in your state. ONE attny can only represent ONE person. Therefore you will be asked to waive your rights to legal counsel. DO NOT DO THIS. Trust me on this. My H tried to rope me in to the same "deal" and I said NO WAY. Actually, I told him if he wanted to use one lawyer then we would be using one of MY choosing and he would be the one to waive his rights to counsel. Of course, he refused and then got a very clear idea that I was not fooling around.
Find out the attny's name your H is going to see. Go to the courthouse and search the public records (you can also check the court website as many jurisdictions now have all the public records online) and find out what attny has a good record against the attny your H will be speaking with. That is who you need to be setting up a meeting with for YOU!
Do not discuss *anything* legal with him until you have your own counsel. Personally I would tell him that after thinking about it you have decided that using one attny is not in your best interest due to the circumstances (and be vague about the circumstances as it will get him thinking about what you plan to reveal to YOUR attny) and you feel having your own legal counsel is best. Do not argue this point. Tell him in a polite, calm and matter of fact fashion then END THE TALK.
Tell him you will no longer discuss the divorce, any legal matters or any aspect of your personal life with him due to "outside circumstances". I can assure you he will clearly understand what those "outside circumstances" are.
Once you lay that groundwork be as happy and busy as you can be. Act as if this is the BEST holiday season ever.
My H used to draw me into talks that lasted 4, 5, 5 hours and I was foolish enough to participate. It was nothing more than "bash and blame Citygirl" sessions and "Mr. Citygirl can justify it all" talks.
Do not waiver on your boundaries and stop communicating with him. Let him worry and wonder and become paranoid. I will bet good money he will try and chide you into a talk about legal stuff or personal stuff. Decline each offer. He will get mad. So what?!
Take care of you and your child and make your H and his affair a non issue in your life at this time.
I just think you should slow down. You pursued H by asking him to reconcile with you, he shot you down. You're pissed and hurt. Wait until you have a better grip on your emotions to act.
I seldom see mediation work. If you want to try it, fine. But YOU should see a L first before you see the mediator. No need to tell H that this is your plan. D is business, you don't show your whole hand. Anyway, you need to see your own L so that you clearly know your rights, know how to protect yourself financially right now, know whether you may kick him out, and know what a good deal is in terms of alimony and child support. Whatever you do, keep any D talk strictly business. Don't try to make a point with it, don't try to make him see the light with it, don't try to prove how great you are, etc... And, the longer the process goes on, the less generous H will be. If you see a good deal that is better than what you'd expect the state to do, snap it up. If you google "new jersey divorce alimony" you'll find tons of resources.
Now, with respect to H: H WILL LIE about the A. Period. People who are cheating, lie. I would be very surprised if X were not having sex with OW. Moreover, given adultery is grounds for divorce, which he probably knows, there is no way he is going to be honest with you about having sex with someone else.
BTW, it sounds like he is getting pressure to spend Christmas Eve with his GF.
Back off, quit pursuing, quit plotting about how to get H into therapy. Until H has more space than he wants for a long period of time, H is not going to reconsider anything. Back off. Take a break.
Next time he tries to D-talk with you, just tell him to back off, you need some space. Slooooooowwwww Dooooowwwwwnnnn. You seem to be brand new here. Nothing is going to happen in a few short weeks.
*Maybe* in several months, after a lot of real space, H will look at himself. Where do you want him to be living at such a point in time?
RTGU,
Oldtimer beat me to the punch, and all of her advice is spot-on here (joining the others'). I had the same take on Christmas Eve as I read his responses about that.
Not much I can add here other than my words of support and encouragement. He IS lying to you; please protect yourself and your family. Sadly, he does NOT have its best interests at heart right now, so someone will have to be the family's hero, and for now that gets to be YOU.
However, as Coach says, "you can handle it." You're getting phenomenal advice here, and you did really, REALLY well in your convo w/husband, under some VERY trying circumstances! You are one strong, classy woman.
Thank you Puppy and everyone else! We had another disagreement tonight. I kept trying to end it but he kept coming back into the bedroom. He wants what he wants when he wants it and I'm done. He decided to keep his appointment with the lawyer on his own. He now wants me to print out all of our passwords to all of our online accounts. He hasn't cared about the bills in 9 years and now because he wants it, he has to have it. I know I'm playing games but I was mad. I told him I would think about it and if I talk to a lawyer tomorrow and learn my rights, I will let him have the info. I know I can't withold our account information from him. I just didn't know what to say. I kept telling him I was not discussing any more, but he just kept going. I kept rolling over away from him standing in the door, but he wouldn't leave! He said something about seeing him tomorrow night in the house and I said "I hope not". He seemed dumbfounded by that and asked what I meant and did I really not want to see him? I nearly lost it again and said I told you as long as you are having an affair I don't want to look at you. He actually apologized for being rude to me all this time over the past few months. I know he is just trying to be nice to get what he wants. I'm not falling for it. I am really trying to pull myself up out of this downward spiral funk, I am just really having a hard time when he keeps pulling me down. We have never done the encounter and we didn't do any kind of marriage prep, maybe that was our problem.
I doubt he would have kept talking to you if you had simply said:
RTGU: "I will not talk to you now. You may email me if you wish."
H: blah blah blah blah
RTGU: "I will not talk to you now. You may email me if you wish."
H: blah blah blah blah
RTGU: "I will not talk to you now. You may email me if you wish."
H: blah blah blah blah
RTGU: "I will not talk to you now. You may email me if you wish."
H: blah blah blah blah
RTGU: "I will not talk to you now. You may email me if you wish."
H: blah blah blah blah
As far as telling H your plan to see a L today, all you do is hurt yourself and help H by sharing ANYTHING about your L meetings with H. It is none of his business. NOW he knows that you are starting on the legal process. This will affect the strategy that he and his L take.
I would NOT share any joint account financial data with husband while he is wayward, unless instructed to do so by my attorney.
If anything, I would be RESTRICTING his access, until a judge made me do otherwise.
Ditto what O.T. said above. It takes two to have a conversation, and you're "teaching" your husband that if he just badgers you long enough, you'll give in.
I'll have to ask around for a lawyer, I know none.