I'm really sorry that you find yourself in the position where you are here but you will find the best support here. We all know what each other are going through and that is a rare thing when family and friends in real life often don't understand.
The main benefits I have found through DBing is finding my strength again when the rug had been pulled from under my feet, regaining dignity, losing my frustration because the things I had been doing had either made no difference or had made the situation worse. This is the main 'rule' of DBing - is what you are doing 'working' i.e. bringing you closer to your goal or is driving you further away. I take it you have read Divorce Remedy and are familiar with the strategies - 180s, GAL etc.
Try and look at the bigger picture of your marriage. Look at the interactions you are having, in particular your reactions and see if they are making the situation worse or better and then *change something*.
Just to highlight the children issue you brought up. I imagine this would be a big thing for her, what is the situation now with her, have you had recent discussions to the one you highlighted? If this is too personal you don't have to answer, but speaking as a woman this would be a big thing for me.
You have painted a picture that perhaps you were not the most involved of husbands, therefore if you go no contact will that reinforce her view or change it? You want to change her negative perceptions of you and that means getting your confidence back and being the you that she fell in love with that while ago. How were you different then, what were you doing when times were good?
She will have seen all that contact from your family, as well meaning as it was, as pressure. You need to stop all pressure, it is your enemy and that means desperate behaviours and pursuing. Get them to back off for now. After all you want her to come back to you, not your family.
So great to hear you have been going to counselling since she left and looking at yourself.
Listen to Jeff when he says be still for the moment with regards to divorce etc. It won't do you any harm to wait until this isn't so raw and you can make a clear decision BUT you do need to protect yourself financially. With the phone and the bank account, it won't do any harm to resolve those issues.
Now you need to start looking after yourself. What are some GAL activities you can think of? Also, she commented on your hair and the fact that you had shaven, is this something you could work on also?
Ok, there are lots of things there so I will stop. What are your plans for now, to still stay no contact?
I want her to want to come back without pressure. i had nothing to do with my parents and brother texting my wife.
she had posted pictures of a corner cabinet my father had made for her on facebook (her grand mother painted a farm scene on it)and sent him the pictures via email.
my brothers g/f moved out of their apartment last month while he was out of town. so my wife responded to his text "i hope everything is better with you".
I went out last friday night with my buddy and his fiance and they dragged one of her g/f's along. we had a good time and played drunken Wii bowling till late in the morning.
the book i read about non contact for a month said to go out on four dates with different people over the month. In doing so it would help build ones confidence so that when it came time to has a coffee date like i have planned you would be more like your old self. the one your ex fell in love with.
I don't see the harm in this she wants to be freinds. for now that may be what i have to do to get her trust and respect back.
before you say it i am also learning to respecting myself to put myself first for a while. i would love to have my wife back but i know i need a new wife(first wife just different). one that wants to be with me
the book i read about non contact for a month said to go out on four dates with different people over the month. In doing so it would help build ones confidence so that when it came time to has a coffee date like i have planned you would be more like your old self. the one your ex fell in love with.
I don't see the harm in this she wants to be freinds. for now that may be what i have to do to get her trust and respect back.
This may sound harsh, but I completely disagree with this. You are involving 4 innocent people in order to "build your confidence" in a dating environment. It resorts to basically using them for your own gain. You still actively want to save your marriage and therefore you should refrain from dating anyone.
I have tried dating, and I have been separated 2+ years.
It sucked.
I figured out I am not ready to date...and I have been at this a while. I cannot imagine you are anywhere near ready to date.
The author of the book should be shot.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Lolal - you are so funny! "the author of the book should be shot". Our situations aren't funny but a little humor and anything to make me laugh I appreciate these days.
But at the same time, I would rather wait until I am ready to date rather than using someone as a pawn for a jealousy factor. That is not fair to the other person.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm on day 20 now. I went to a pistol range last night wiht my father and my good buddy. it felt really good to get out of the house and do something for myself for once.
i went to the bank today and closed our joint account. i'm sure she will be upset when she doesn't get her netflix movies in the mail but then again she never asked me to use our money for that.
I wonder if i am doing the wrong thing by hanging on?
