Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW in affair. Help!

Oh, sh$t! New revelation. Help me Puppy! (Not that I am ignoring the other posts)

A couple of weeks after W moved out she mentioned getting an apartment through a-friend-of-a-friend with no lease. I didn’t say anything, but I thought, “How can you afford that?” We’re in business together. The finances are transparent.

Fast forward…this evening she came over to help me hang some cabinet doors (a remodeling project she started before she left). Took about an hour. In the course of conversation she said, “Did you see that Texas vs. Whatever game last night?” I said, “No.” “I as at BIL’s and SIL and DIL were there and you know what big college football fans they are.” And, proceeded to recount the climactic ending to the game.

After she left, I replayed that statement; “I was at BIL’s house”. Now, if she was still living there, BIL’s house was home. She would have said, “SIL and DIL came over.” So I hopped in the car and drove across town at 8:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening. As I pulled into the edition I thought, “Dollars to donuts, her car won’t be there.” I was right.

She’s moved into an apartment. Bill collectors have been calling the house, so I know she’s struggling to pay her share of the bills. If I haven’t mentioned it, but about six weeks ago (before I knew better) I asked her point blank if she was she was having an affair (gut feeling at the time). No wonder she doesn’t want me to know that she moved or where she lives. She knows I have suspicions (although I’ve played like I don’t since).

I’m sure I can find out where she lives. But, if I confront her about OM’s car being parked at her place, she’ll ask how I know where she lives and still give the “we’re just friends” story. This complicates the hell out of things.

What do I do?

You’re right, DQ, There is never a “good time”.

Time to pick your best plan, and GO WITH IT.

Stop dithering.

Puppy

Agreed.

take a deep breath Norm!

Done, Puppy. Even as you posted I made my decision.

At some point this week (don’t know when) OM will be in the gym working out with W. I’ll stop by, make some chat, and ask, “By the way OM, where does your W work? What does she do?” He’ll spill it and I’ll have my contact info.

W relocating without telling me was the last straw. She’s hiding and lying big time. I won’t stand for this any more.

Puppy - you asked for further clarification on my POV of not exposing the affair. I understand it's not a popular opinion and I certainly can only form my opinion based on my own experience but it's just something I feel will backfire on the whistle blower.

I certainly feel for OW's W as I have know when I learned of my H's affair I threw up. And my H's mistress was not married but I knew no matter what "her" status was, knowing what *I* knew gave me tremendous power when it came to the legal side of things even if I never used the evidence I had. I essentially told my H this is what I need and want as far as a settlement goes and you can agree and things will remain quiet or you can disagree and things will be MUCH different.

I simply feel that each marriage must be managed by the two people in it or who used to be in it and it's not up to anybody to "tell" another spouse what is going on. It will come out, it always does. Norm does not know the OW's wife or how she will react on an emotional level with the news her H is having an affair. That alone makes for a situation that could become ugly fast.

It is my opinion that two people in an affair will continue to have the affair no matter what. They simply don't care and are too wrapped up in their own heads and bodies to give a [censored] who knows what. People in affairs don't have a full scope of the consequences.

Right now Norm has hard evidence of an affair and as per his last post his wife has abandoned the marital home. In NY if you leave the marital home and fail to give your spouse written notice of where you will be living within 30 days you can sue for abandonment.

If Norm is not ready to get the legal ball rolling and he chooses to tolerate this on any level, well, that is his choice. But a letter crafted by an attny letting Norm's W know that he is ready to begin the settlement process due to an affair and abandonment will introduce the element of fear in her. It is then that Norm will have full power to handle things as he sees fit.

A WAS as staunch, sneaky and vehement as Norm's (I had the same type of WAS) simply will not budge in their stance or change their actions until a third party (not the LBS or another spouse) begins to pin them in the corner.

Just my 2 cents.

CG, thank you for explaining your position. I respect that.

I disagree basically for two reasons:

1.

The problem I have with this is that for every month the affair is allowed to continue, there is further emotional, mental, financial and even medical risk and damage to the betrayed spouse's families. Doing everything within one's power to bust an affair in two or three months, vs. the 6-12 months they they average if allowed unfettered, causes further damage that isn't necessary, and if one chooses NOT to expose, then I believe you share somewhat in the complicity for that damage. Cheating spouses do do all kinds of crazy things, you said so yourself in listing reasons NOT to expose. So if a spouse drains the family's accounts of funds in Month 4, how are you going to feel that you didn't expose them in Month 1? If you catch and STD (or worse) in Month 6, or -- more to the point of what we're discussing here -- the OM/OW's spouse catches and STD -- how will you feel then, if you MIGHT have been able to help prevent it?

2.

First of all, evidence simply doesn't back that up. Many people in affairs DO run for the hills when they are confronted and exposed, like roaches scurry when you turn the garage lights on. Men, especially, will often cave in when their wives confront them, and they ponder the professional and financial loss that awaits them if they continue in the affair. Secondly, I decided that that passive attitude just wasn't ME. If I was going to err, I decided very early on in my sitch that I was going to err on the side of doing SOMETHING. I wasn't just going to sit idly by and try the "Little Bo-Peep" approach of "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them."

I don't expect us to agree, but I at least wanted to explain my position further. It's a very difficult decision, that everyone has to answer for themselves. I will leave you with two add'l thoughts, however, one already stated and one new:

1. I already said this, but I just think that the OM/OW's spouse shouldn't be the ONLY one of the four impacted, to NOT know what is going on, so that they can make whatever decisions they feel is best for themselves and their family.

2. In my years on this forum and others, and in studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs, I would estimate that the number of people who regret NOT being more aggressive (intel, confronting, exposure, financial/legal) out-number those that wish they had been LESS aggressive, 20-to-1.

Puppy

This to me is like coaching, my players mostly grumble and resist when they get pushed past their perceived limits. But I have never had one thank me for being too soft on them. We are capable of so much more than we can imagine.

Yeah, I've also heard it said that "No one lays on their death bed, and expresses regret at #1, spending too much time at HOME (as opposed to the office); and #2, at taking TOO MUCH risk in their life."

So true.

Puppy