Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

DB C first said I should let him announce it to the whole family and suffer consequences even if Thanksgiving would play out like a Jerry Springer reality TV type episode. She said I need to stop "saving" him. She called me back that night and said she had rethought her recommendation and not to have him announce it. after meeting with him she knows that he does make decisions slowly and process slowly and it has only been 2 months since he moved out. He is so out of touch with feelings and consequences. She thinks he will need more time to make a decision and announcing it might push him to the OW. Remember he is out of the house and his decision is about me or OW, not about choosing marriage or OW as he has already stepped away from M. C reiterated that he is a moral man and this is tearing him up WHEN he thinks about it but he is pretty good at not thinking about anything negative. He is coming over for dinner tommorrow and then we will go pick up our daughter at airport. I need to resist the temptation to talk about R and just be happy and breezy. I need to be hit with 2 x 4 to remember correct DB techniques. C also told me I made mistake asking him again if he was still undecided--somehow I cant stop myself from trying to get a read on where he is and if he is just lying again and again.
His ring has been off since he moved out. Should I take mine off?

What would taking your ring off mean to you? That is an entirely personal decision and means different things to different people. I don't think anyone else can answer that but you. What would it mean to your children?

Back after a long weekend and somewhat more confused-posters feel free to chime in with what you more experienced DBusters think

So--H comes over and stays wed night,have nice dinner, pick up daughter together from airport. We make love Thurs am and Sat am. --I know--- dont yell at me about cake eating. He says he has stopped having sex with OW -I believe him but dont know how long it will last. He still is seeing her after work for talk, watching TV, cuddling til she goes home to her H. From wed nite til Mon he didnt see her and stayed at our home to see our daughter in from out of town. Whether you agree with me or not, I am trying to get some of those "endorphins" going between us with sex, dinners, spending time together, no R talk so all the fun times are not with her. Things went really well I thought--he says he feels the most comfortable he has in years being around me. He invites me to come to Xmas at his mothers after we had a good thanksgiving day a sisters with our grown kids. Very little texting or calling Ow--I can look online at his cell phone thoough still some on Thanksgiving day.

Then--Sat nite we watch a movie at home with daughter 25 and cuddle on the couch--I am leaning on him under blanket. Son-22 has friends over who are home from college. They come upstais t say hello and see H and I cuddling--ask my son whats going on cuz they know we are separated. This set off a chain reaction later in my son. He goes out drinking at the bars, gets a ride home and at 1:30 am puts his fist through glass door and comes raging up and wakes H and I up. Starts yelling at his father calling him a "p-ssy" for playing house like we are a real family on holidays when daughter is home, how he is leading me on, "sc--rewing his troll slut" as he calls her, how his dad (grandpa who just died" would be so disappointed in him.Son iscrying and yelling at same time, calling his dad out, telling him to be a man. Now, 4 years ago my son almost died in car accident after he got mad and left home. He starts yelling for his dad to get the ----out of the house and for me to decide between him or dad. I am afraid he is going to drive or walk out and get killed so I follow him outside. H gets dressed and leaves so son will calm down. H says very little during this--son outweighs him and is taller.

Next day while son is sleeping--I meet with H--tell him a few things 1)did he see son was crying whole time and that the anger was because he cares so much--H cries a little 2) told him I did not choose son over H ( H has accused me in past of putting him last) but that I was afraid for son's life and my real choice is for both--for our family. Told H I know he an Ow have chosen each other over everything--family, friends, but I see another choice for both family and us.

I asked him to stay over Sunday night after son and daughter were gone-we drove her to airport--as I said it would be hard missing daughter and with the previous night's drama. He did stay and we had a nice night ordered pizza and watched bball game.

I was feeling pretty good about everything even the drama with son because I think it made him realize a little more what it is gonna be like with kids if he goes with Ow BUT then tonight--monday he calls me to firm up Friday (gonna go to his mother's again to help out with stuff) On a hunch I drive by his apartment (he doesnt know I know where he lives) and her car is there and they are watching MOnd night football.

What does this all mean--he is in the small apartment with her and he is on the phone with me agreeing to come to dinner and stay over on Thursday night? He is very stupid emotionally--tells me what is going on at office and uses her name so casually etc. ANother example of his emotional retardation, after the son's blowup which included son saying he was having trouble dealing with my pain --H asks what was that all about? I had to tell him that yes, on occasion when son calls me I am a little down or lonely in the big old house and son can tell.

I dont know what to do at this point but just keep competing with her for time and being easy and carefree with him. He once again said how nice it its with her to talk about nothing intense, just joke and light banter, watch gameshows and sports and not talk about kids or heavy stuff. Little crack is appearing--he did say "except recently we have to talk about kids (ours--since hers dont know) because of the counselling we are doing and apparently that is not fun for them.

Thanks for lettimg me vent sorry for long post. Thoughts and comments are appreciated.

Benotafraid,

You are doing great! I am totally supportive of what you are doing, the nice times, the sex. Why not? How are you going to win if you don't compete?

As for your son's behavior....great! Your husband needs to see what it does to the kids and how strongly they feel about their family. This is the stuff that turned my husband around. Yes, we had broken doors and holes in the walls from my son. But his Dad knew that our family mattered. And he needed to get with the program.

It's not good that he two-times you with her. He gets his ego stroked that 2 women want him. i hope he will listen to his son and grow up and be a man. Don't stop what you are doing.

I agree with Lotus.

DB is all about doing what works, (as long as you are comfortable with that). In your sitch it sounds like you need for your H to remember the good times between you, and you are letting that happen. All I would say is don't let that go on for years....but I know from previous posts you have a sort of 'end' to that in mind.

It might be worth letting your son know why you are being so loving to your H so that he doesn't feel betrayed.....or actually cause more harm than good....although on the other hand, your H seeing how upset your son is can only help.

I am glad you had some good times to share with your H over the holiday weekend; it can only serve as a good reminder to him what he is risking. Don't be too disheartened that he saw OW on Monday. I found that my H wanted to 'let OW down gently' even though that is an impossible thing to do, (and even though I wanted to smack her head in(!)). These H's just don't want to be seen as the 'bad guy' even though deep down they must know it is a lose lose situation and somebody will get hurt. My H can see that clearly now but he just couldn't then!!!!

Carry on doing what you are doing. You sound very ' together'.

thanks for the encouragement
I am cautiously optimistic that I can build some on this. H is coming over for dinner THursday night and staying so we can get an early start to his mom's on Friday. Hope it leads to something
Definitely trying to be realistic and proceed slowly. My son does know I am trying to divorce bust--win H back but he just believes his Dad is unable to tell me the truth and is stringing me along.

H has first phone consult(after we met with her in Ill in Nove) with DB coach this Friday. They certainly will have a lot to talk about with son's reaction.

I stopped and got some comedy movies for Thurs nite so I can be light and breezy and fun like OW after dinner. Trying to find little acts of service/gifts of service to appeal to H love language without going overboard.

Yes, Saffie I think my H is really torn about "hurting" anyone's feelings. I think he is still very infatuated with her but maybe tide is turning.

Sounds like a good plan. You are making the way back home easy for him. Good luck!!

wed nite--feeling nervous about thursday dinner, sleeping over and Friday at his moms. I have been galing--separated/divorce support groups, girlfriends dinner club, shopping so was out when he stopped by on Tues nite. But, I dont know if I made a mistake or not.

For Thanksgiving when he came over for dinner and to stay the weekend, I casually asked him to consider making love with me so as he was deciding beween OW and me--so the playing field would be more level. First he said he had stopped having sex with Ow for last 3 weeks and felt dead inside/confused which seemed like a no then we did ML twice that weekend. So tonight I called him to let him know his out of town college buddy has called twice to offer condolences/talk about his dad's passing. I tried to be joking/light and asked for a trade of some more no strings attached sex/ endorphin rush in return for going to our middle of the night 1-2 am committment to adoration at our church. Tried to keep it light and joky. He said Ill think about it which is what C said to tell me/kids when he is having trouble answering/processing or even telling the truth rather than just saying something to be a people pleaser/agree like he usually does.

He has such difficulty with expressing anything negative/or emotions that I find him hard to read. Do I back track somehow??

I am having a little mini breakdown here so sorry to vent. Dont want to read anything that might get my hopes up. He continues to see OW for an hour or two at his apartment several times this week before she has to go home to her H. Instead of focusing on the fact he is coming over for thurs/Fri I keep thinking about them together and how he just cant get enough of her. Its 2 years now and shouldnt it be wearing off some. I need to stay positive.

please keep the support coming or alternatively hit me with a 2 x 4

OK, don't try to read things into everything. Assume he said no to the sex. After all, if you ask someone if they want something, then sometimes they might say no. So, accept no. He knows you offered. Do you want to go to the service? If you do, then go because you want to. If you don't want to, don't go. Sex is not something you necessarily make a decision about in advance. If the feeling comes up, then it does. If it doesn't, OK. Life goes on. One thing I've learned, no matter how bad what happens today is, the sun will come up tomorrow and it will be a new day. It's a good reason to go to bed.

Things went great this thurs/friday. He stayed thurs and fri nite and we had a great time in all ways. Very relaxed. He had telephone divorcebusting consult on Friday and I overheard him at party for friend's son graduation that night talking that we were working on the marriage. He hasnt said anything directly to me but I get a strong feeling he is leaning just a little towards our family and away from OW. Not getting my hopes up too high but a little optimistic. Now, I need to decide if I should ask him to dinner this Thursday again as we both have Fridays off. I also have the opportunity to get some cheap tickets through my hospital job to his favorite professional football team game and wonder if I should ask him if he would like me t get the tickets--he probably will take one of his guy friends but his love language is little acts of service so this might touch him. I am thinking if I make it a casual statement that I could get the tickets he wont get scared away. He accepted the massage I set up for him over thanksgiving while daughter went for facial at same spa and they bonded. Thanked me afterward. I need to balance slow and steady with keeping myself in the picture so the OW isnt the only one he sees this week.

Funny, but my attitude is so much better.I am not getting my hopes up but I am not depressed or sad. Feel stronger than I have in a long time. I think my son's big outburst did some real good.

Any suggestions from posters on how to handle the beginning stages of trying to work on getting back together?