Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need Some Qwik Advice

I posted in a flurry last week and understand that it is hard to read but the skinny version is this...

My W is having an affair with a Mutual Friend who is married. OMW knows, half the small town we live in knows. I have taken some steps along the way that are pretty close to DBing as I just found out because I just strted reading DR Thursday.She hasn't denied any of the affair but did say they were just friends and talked occasionally now. She told me the reason's for the marriage woes at this point now is us.

I asked her if she could tell me what she thought it could be. She said "I don't Know" and I said "For me,we can never get past anything if you do not stop all communication with OM". She replied "Why, I can be friends with him even after what happened." I replied " No, I cannot accept that. Your friendship crossed a line that could be crossed again if you continue your relationship and I won't accept it."

Up until this point I had threatened for divorce and was unable to do it. ILMW, plain and simple. So I had given her the money, the divorce documents and left it in her hands simply saying I'd cooperate with her if she wanted the divorce. Now, what I felt was,I had given her her final chance, give him up or me up.

I went into Dark Mode, no communication on Friday is unusual because we are both home. That evening, as I was heading across the Hockey Arena I saw her out of the corner of my eye. I avoided eye contact and continued on my path she hopped out in front of me, hugged me and gave me a kiss. Discussion and interaction was good and non specific stuff that night.

On Saturday, SIL was visiting when I got home from working out, she commented on how good I was looking in front of W.I went to shower, she turned her side on and climbed in. Than I screwed up, she refused any advances. I said- " I'm sorry i misread the signal- it won't happen again." No more communication that day that i can remember.

Saturday Night she slept in our bed for the first time in awhile.I heard a vibrating in the bed. It was her phone, she had it tucked under her pillow. I got it " opened the recieved message which read " I love you, Goodnite" from OM. I told her to get the F out. She asked Y ? I said is this appropriate behavior for him to send this to you? She replied NO. I said" Did you tell him to stop contacting you or it was over or anything along those lines?' She replied " No, it's hard i have feelings for him" I said "Fine- file the doc's or I will on Monday and walk away from your family, your wrecking a home and S*n on me everytime this happens and I Won't stand for it anymore"

Last Night we filled out the papers for paperwork to be filed today. I did not speak to her until @ 10 am after she asked about S's Hockey practice. I simply gave her time and location via text. She sent me 8 texts immediatelly after asking how i was. I texted her back " I am Fine, energized, been cleaning shop allnite, but I wish you would limit our communication to the task at hand and our children." She called 6 times in a row - I answered calmly "Hey" She said she had cried all night and wasn't feeling good about her decision. I said " Than why are you testing me, to see if I'll cry again? It ain't gonna happen" She said " Can I call you @ Lunch, I wanna just wait on filing." I said " Yes I listen to what you have to say"

SO- now what do I do. I heven't read all the DR yet, Can you Help me qwikly?

Hold your line, it's working.

Unflexible hold? my feeling is she will want to attempt another seperation.

I do not think I can go thru that again.

If she attempts another separation, that is on her completely.
You have already made her aware that you're not going to tolerate it.
Stand your ground.
Don't flex.

That's what I thought.

Didn't want to come off as an a*hole, but I ain't whimpin either.

This DBing is actually empowering stuff.

Well - I got a text from her - " what r u doin?"

I Replied - "Making Soup"

Haven't heard from her since!

Like you said, meet only to LISTEN.

GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing.

No matter what she offers, say "Thank you for being honest with me (or, "I wish I could believe that," depending on whether or not you think she IS being honest with you); I will need to think about this. I'll be back in touch. I hate to cut you off, but I have to go (insert GAL activity HERE). I'll get lunch."

Then leave.

btw, if you KNOW what she says to you is an OUTRIGHT LIE -- CALL her on it. "We both know you're lying to me right now. Please stop it; it's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family."

Puppy

You told her this:



Don't respond right know about anything except: kids, D papers, or having a discussion about boundaries and a transparency plan.

This reason you haven't heard anything back is she tested you and you failed. Your marriage is on the rocks, your wife is in a affair, you are filing for divorce and you called her out on the OM. The correct response right now would be no response.

Flip the roles and imagine you asking her what r u doing and she said making soup!???!?!?!?!

She called during my workout. I silence my phone and did not of course answer it. She than started franticlly texting me which ended with the 4th one saying "So are you ignoring me now?"

I called her because I knew she wanted to make sure S was being taken to practice. She did, and i confirmed that I was on the way to get him. She than started inquiring I said"Listen it needs to be about the kids, the divorce or our reconciling our differences, all other issues are off base"

Texts from tonight-

Her- "Do you want me to set the appointment with atty"
Me- " You know the answer to that"
Me- " Yes if you chose to"
Me- " Yes if affair is still going on"
Me- "Yes if you think sEperation is the answer"
Me- "No If you want to commit to working on your marriage"
Her- " I am listening to you and trying to figure it out"

Did I cross the line and give her to much info or did I reinforce my boundaries? I did send texts individually thinking they would be more effective.