Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW in affair. Help!

I had thought about you contacting OM's W......but the OM has much more to lose in the M. If you tell his W and she kicks him out.....then he'll go straight for your W.

If he's worried that his W will find out about his playing around, then he will lose his meal ticket in fancy places. Just my thoughts.

Will do.

I’ve considered this, Sandi, and you make a good point.

My thought is that the kind of evidence a good P.I. will produce (photographs, etc.) will be overwhelming. W’s family is very large and conservative Christian down to the last one – as are her two best friends. They would be aghast at the revelation that W was shacking up with a married man. Actually, they do not approve of the separation. They aren’t openly taking sides, but in principle they are on my side; “Norm is right. You should go back to your husband and work on your marriage.” The only thing worse than leaving your husband (barring infidelity and abuse – and there hasn’t been any on my part) is leaving your husband for a married man as far as her family is concerned. Her family is very close-knit and very important to her. I don’t think she could handle the level of shock and disappointment such a revelation would produce, much less run off with the guy if his wife kicks him out. Possession of such evidence would give me tremendous leverage.

Besides, OM is having sex with my wife. Grrrrr!! Why should I let him off the hook? Consequences.

Been thinking. Still think my current strategy is the best so far. But I envisioned telling OM’s spouse about the A – showing her the cell bills. She’s going to be devastated.

Do I really want to do this to her right before Christmas? I thought going through an S was hard. When I found out about the A, I experienced a whole new level of pain that I didn’t know was possible.

Maybe I should let her enjoy her Christmas and approach her after? I can keep up the friendly/clueless act at the gym for a few weeks. Maybe gather some more intel. Unless something drastic happens, the A will still be going on after Christmas.

I know, I know, I’m a softie. Always have been.

No, not if you are doing it out of compassion for OM's W. It takes a big man to do that!

I do not think you need to collect evidence. Just tell W's family what is going on. They will pressure her to stop the A. I would also tell the OM's W. I tend to think that she would possibly be more hurt for spending the holiday with a man that really did not want to be there. Besides, if he runs to your W after his leaves, the A is not going to last anyway. If your resolve is strong enough and you really want to reconcile your M, it will happen for you... it is just going to take some time. How much ??? who know.....

I feel for you... I'm kinda in the same boat.

Norm, you said: "Do I really want to do this to her right before Christmas?...Maybe I should let her enjoy her Christmas and approach her after?"

I know this is a horrible decision and a horrible thing you are going through, but can I just throw out there the fact that if you DON'T expose them BEFORE Christmas, then her husband is going to be sneaking off to screw your wife sometime on or around Christmas. They are affair partners, and they will likely plan to spend some special time together for the holiday (affair partners always feel that they deserve to get holiday jollies from each other). And not only that, he may screw your wife then go home and screw his own wife on Christmas.

So which would be worse? She spends her Christmas knowing the awful truth, but at least the activity has stopped....or she spends her Christmas knowing nothing while the two A partners are crapping all over her life on Christmas by screwing each other while she's hanging ornaments with their children on the tree?

I know it sucks, but the less painful option is knowing about it but at least also knowing you've stopped it from happening (for the time being).

DQ

DQ has a very strong point, Norm. Christmas will not be good this year either way you turn. What DQ advised would be hard.....but when you stop and think about it from the POV....it would be the more respectful thing toward OM's W.

I need to stop myself from thinking that not exposing is "protecting" the innoncent. It is a hard thing for me to do. OM's W deserves to know the truth regardless of the time of year.

I am going to have to go against the grain and say that I feel exposing the affair is never the right thing to do. Affairs always come out and the exposure is always far more spectacular when it comes out in an organic fashion rather that one spouse telling the OP's spouse.

I also feel when you invest so much energy into wondering if you should expose or not expose you are really taking away precious "Norm Time" and not GAL and working on you and what you *can* control. And you can only control you. And, generally speaking the OW/OM should be a non-entity in your world and no focus or time should be channeled towards the cheater(s).

Its too bad the OM's W will be hurt but such is life. OM and OM's W is not for you to worry about.

I think exposing an affair is a recipe for an explosion and it's simply too unpredictable. You have no clue how OM's would react and heaven forbid she did something outlandish (hurt her husband or your W for example, holidays and affairs don't mix well) you would have to live with your participation in the exposure.

Is your W still at home? If so you need to pack her up and send her on her way. IMO that would make a bigger impact as OM won't be able to house her if he has a W at home. If your W is gone already then go dark and set your boundaries. I feel the best way to handle infidelity is via the legal system or a very trained counselor if your W agrees to cut off ALL contact w/OM at once. If you want her to take pause start the legal process and show her the consequences via that route.

CityGirl,

Why do you feel that OM's wife should be the only one of the four that DOESN'T know the truth? Shouldn't she be able to make her own decisions, for herself and her own family?

If anything "horrible" happened (extremely rare), it would NOT e Norm's fault, as he only would have exposed the truth.

Puppy