Puppy's suggestions are superlative for an in-house separation, if you are up for giving H some time to end the A.
I gave it 6 months. That was an INTERNAL deadline, that I felt I could handle. It only took 3, and thank God, because I don't think there's any way I could have gone more than 4.
I say "internal" because if you give someone having an affair a specific date -- say, March 1st -- then I think you'll find that they'll take that as your tacit approval of what they're doing until February 28th, at which time they will beg and plead and promise you the moon and the stars to not go thru with your consequence.
In-house is hard, but it can be done. My wife and I got pretty good at learning each other's schedules, and just doing the "ships that pass in the night" thing. Weekends were the hardest, but weekdays we limited our contact to just a few VERY brief encounters, and managed to keep things very civil in front of the kids. She respected my boundaries, which really helped.
"I say "internal" because if you give someone having an affair a specific date -- say, March 1st -- then I think you'll find that they'll take that as your tacit approval of what they're doing until February 28th, at which time they will beg and plead and promise you the moon and the stars to not go thru with your consequence."
Ah yes, double secret probation. An effective tool I have used myself. The thing with boundaries is they really are YOUR boundaries, they are internal. You don't even need to communicate them. But, communicating them is sometimes, not all the time, an effective way to improve relationships. And sometimes double secret probation is far better.
And sometimes, one violation suffices to end a relationship, whether or not the boundary has ever been verbalized. Remember, this is because the boundaries are YOUR boundaries to determine your behavior in a way that protects and supports you and your interests. So, if a waiter set a bowl of soup in front of me and then sprinkled flies in it, forget it, I'm done, lol.
I don't think I understood a WORD of that, O.T. You drinkin' again today??
But boundaries DO need to be communicated. Other than the "enforcing" of them, the "communicating" of them is pretty much the most important part. Hell, maybe even MORE important.
CAN they be uncommunicated? Sure. "Man, the FIRST time this new girlfriend of mine pulls out lipstick and starts applying it in front of me, IN PUBLIC, I'm outta here . . . " Or maybe an off-color ethnic joke might be another example -- you don't need to tell people ahead of time that you find it tasteless, but once they say it in your presence? Then damn right you have to communicate your boundary.
In general if you are interested in having a healthy R, it is good to communicate your boundaries.
Sometimes, it is unnecessary or even counterproductive to communicate a boundary (as when you did not tell W your timeline). This is OK. You aren't obligated to share your boundaries. Others aren't entitled to know all your boundaries.
Case in point: I don't owe a waiter who sprinkles flies in my soup a second chance, despite not clearly communicating that fly-laden soup doesn't work for me. (humor)
And, I don't think you should have any new girlfriends right now, regardless of their grooming habits. (humor again)
journaling- proud to report I made it through my first night with h out of the house. He never came home after work, I didn't call or email once, he called about 9:40 pm, I'm sure on the way from seeing OW to his brother's, and I didn't answer. Also called on way home this morning about 10:30, must have been pretty close because he walked in about 20 minutes later, but I didn't answer again. I was prepared to tell him if he asked(which he didn't) that I didn't feel the need to talk to him basically because isn't this what he wanted, to be separated? And also I wasn't about to answer last night on his way home from his date. He never asked though. I am still home sick today and he is off. Should make for an interesting day. He didn't say hi when he walked in, I said hi to him. Trying to be pleasantly short. Time for a nap now that he's home to watch daughter and the valium is kicking in for my back! Thank you everyone for your support, I would never have been as strong as to not call or email without the words of encouragement here.
Fine: I'm not interested in talking to you on your way back from a date with someone else.
Not fine: I didn't need to answer because isn't this what you wanted, to be separated???
The first is a simple, direct report about you.
The second is passive aggressive, fight baiting, R talk.
Better: I often screen my calls. We should figure out a system for emergencies. Lots of people text 911 in case of emergencies, so I guess we could try that.
Well I did it. I emailed him today and told him 3 things. 1 is that I will not share him anymore and if he chooses to continue the affair, I will not be in the same space as him, whether that means he moves out or we work out a schedule in the house. 2 is that I won't allow him to treat me unkind and without respect and if he chooses to continue to treat me that way, same as above. and 3, I was just flat out honest, that part of me wants to decide to love each other and work on it and the other part of me knows I deserve better. I asked him if he feels comfortable to talk to me, then to do it and if not to write me back. I told him knowledge is power and now he has that power to make his own decision and once he does that, I will make mine. I told him either way, he needs to get back to me on his decision on 1 and 2 and that I had a pretty good feeling his thoughts on 3, but if he'd like to share, i'm open to his thoughts. He was in the other room when I did it. He has a blackberry and just left with daughter to go to the store. I know that's the first thing he checks when he's out of the house. Now I just give it a day or two and then I'll press for at least an acknowledgement, and if he needs more time, fine, but he has to let me know when. I'm so proud of myself. I hovered over that send button for a long time...
