Go to Home Depot and buy a stack of moving boxes as an early Christmas present for your husband.
Since we all writing notes, my suggestion would be:
Quote:
Dear (ex)Husband,
I have taken the liberty to pack your personal belongings. Please take them and leave NOW. I will no longer be treated poorly, disrespected, and cheated on. Enough is enough. Leave.
Your decision to wait till after Christmas is unacceptable. You will no longer be upsetting my daughter with your disappearing acts and CRAP BEHAVIOR towards her mother.
From our conversation the other night, it is obvious to me that you do not understand that infidelity within a marriage is intolerable. There is nothing left to be said between us.
Take your belongings and be gone before we get home, RefusingToBeCheatedOn (formally known as RefusingToGiveUp)
Need strength staying strong and what to do from here... While I didn't kick him out, he is living in the basement, and I did set the boundary that if he is going to his brother's, he is not coming home first, having dinner with us, putting daughter to bed and leaving as he originally planned. When he said he was going to his brother's on Thursday, I told him to go straight there, not to come home. He seemed very shocked at that. I didn't get to setting the boundaries about the affair because he said he hasn't seen her in a month, which I truly believe because he literally goes to work and comes home. I know he talks to her, but the conversation was better ended with me telling him I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him and I would need to think about it. Now in a few days I can go back and tell him what I think and set the boundaries for the a. Anyway, lastnight, he called on his way home from work, something he's done sporadically over the past few weeks, but not consistently. Also, he called a little past 5, in the past month, he hasn't called/left the office before 6, but prior to the bomb, left at 5 all the time. I didn't answer, he didn't leave a message. He called back again 45 minutes later(has a longer commute) and I didn't answer again. He never would have called a second time, ever, he would just wait for me to call back or just come home and ask why I didn't answer. This is a complete 180, I would have never missed his call and if I did I would have called him right back. He walked in 15 minutes later. Asked what I wanted for dinner, told me a story about the dog, asked how my back was feeling, and intiated about 2 more small conversations. He has barely answered my questions over the past month let alone start some of his own. He took daughter and dog outside to play and go for a walk, came inside and got daughter ready for bed. This morning he asked me a few questions before leaving for work. When he talks to me, I am quick, answer his questions, but then look away or end the conversation, I am not engaging him. Am I on the right track and are these small signs to keep doing what I'm doing?
And, I would resist the LBS's temptation to demonize the WAS and make the problems all about the A. The A is the least of your problems, it will go away as your other problems improve. And, until that happens, H will do what he wants and lie about it anyway. For, he *feels* like he is single, he *feels* like he doesn't have M obligations to you. That is why it is such a problem for him when you try to change your Separated R back into an M.
This is NOT to say that you shouldn't set A boundaries. But, you don't need a big R talk. You simply need to decide your boundaries and enforce them. And, if you want to communicate them, a simple, direct email is the best way right now.
If you feel like a doormat, THEN you are doing something wrong!!
Right now, the BEST thing you are doing is not being more into the R than he is. Hooray! The more you are less into the R than he is, the more he has real space to figure things out, to figure out what HE wants without it being about you, which is indeed precisely what he needs to do. It is possible to do this with an in-house separation, as you are showing in the last day or so. But it takes a lot of time, and a lot of determination to NOT jump back into the R more than he is.
And, I would resist the LBS's temptation to demonize the WAS and make the problems all about the A. The A is the least of your problems, it will go away as your other problems improve.
I disagree. In fact, I think you have it exactly BACKWARDS.
Her problems will only improve AFTER her husband has ended his affair. This is a physiological fact, as his brain is all awash with the "love chemicals" and addiction that is the OW.
No, your husband's affair is not all of your problems, R2GU. But it IS your immediate obstacle, and you're not going to make any real progress until it is removed, in my opinion. An addict needs to first be separated from the source of their addiction.
While I didn't kick him out, he is living in the basement, and I did set the boundary that if he is going to his brother's, he is not coming home first, having dinner with us, putting daughter to bed and leaving as he originally planned. When he said he was going to his brother's on Thursday, I told him to go straight there, not to come home. He seemed very shocked at that.
Well, I can certainly agree that they can only truly start to reconcile AFTER the A is over.
But the root of the problems can begin to be addressed long before that, and really should be, regardless of what happens with the A and the M.
I can agree with that too, so long as he's not looking for much in the way of
a) response from her to his addressing his flaws; and
b) having his emotional needs met.
Because neither of those are going to happen so long as she's still a-gaga over OM. But yeah, he can -- and should -- immediately start to work on his own issues, as he perceives them to legitimately be.
Trying to be strong today. I am home with back pain and on muscle relaxers and valium... daughter is with grandma and husband is at work. Tonight is the night he is going to his brother's straight from work. (With probably a stop in between to see OW) Lastnight I asked him if he was working on Sunday, he asked why, and I said I may be going somewhere. He said he would let me know. I haven't been to church since I was little, but I know I need a greater strength to help me get through this. I thought if I went on Sunday, it would help me GAL, but also give me strength. When he left this morning, he asked what the doctor said about my back. I told him not to worry about me, because isn't that what he said for me... to not worry about him and his health? So he said ok, and left. The strange part that I am having a hard time figuring out is lastnight before bed, he went into the closet and took out 3 things, a book of his golf card scores, a coupon book I once bought him with love coupons and another box I couldn't really see. When I asked him what he was doing, he said taking some things to his brothers. The strange thing, is these things have been buried in his closet for years... why is he taking these things to his brother's? Is it just to prove a point that he's starting to move out? It's killing me to not email or call today especially since I am doing nothing but sitting on the couch with my laptop and cell phone right here. I read the story about the lighthouse on one of the other posts and I keep that in my thoughts constantly. I know I have to be the lighthouse, be strong and bright and be here when he's ready. I know I have to be strong and I will be able to fight it. I just don't know what to do from here.
