Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

oh, definitely. I'm seeing patterns here for sure (duh!) I need to be sure I'm not alone at Christmas.

from oldtimer on Donna's thread:

I haven't seen anyone here who was "left in the dust" because of an OW or OM. The OW and OM made it into the M BECAUSE of the problems in the M, they didn't cause them.

If you really want to continue your Rs with your EX-in-laws, then you have to be a friend to their family. This means NOT wanting XH to have a bad life, NOT wanting him to be in pain, NOT continuing to condemn and judge his current life. As long as you are against XH in the present, then you are no friend to his family. This is why a friendship with you would be taking sides BECAUSE you are opposed to XH. If you aren't opposed to him, if you are detached, if you make his life irrelevant to yours, then his family won't have to take sides by being friends with you, anymore than they'd be taking sides by being friends with me. It is YOUR opposition, your continuing insistence to making your life about XH, that leaves no space for them to be friends with you.

They could deal with: "I think XH should have done things differently when he left our M. Still I wish him well now, though I really prefer not to talk about him at all. I try to mind my own business, ya know?"

They can't deal with: "I think XH should have done things differently when he left our M. He should pay for what he's done. You should hate him and his trollop that ruined my M. They don't deserve to be together, they don't deserve happiness. I wish them both the worst. My misery is their fault. Now, shall we have lunch?"

[yes, i'm sure you would never say such things, but let me assure you that you still communicate that message loud and clear]

As for not having any extended family, I think you said your dad was one of 12 siblings. No doubt you have a ton of extended family. You already found one cousin. Why don't you make finding a dozen relatives your 12 days of Christmas? You could even do an advent calendar. This would be a positive and exciting place to put your energy and start building your OWN support network so that you don't have to rely on one that is designed mainly to support your XH.
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

Here :-)

http://www.ancestry.com/

They give a 14-day free trial. I put in my Dad's name and it brought up a bunch of accurate records!

listen, I know you're trying to be helpful with the 2 x 4's, and I truly appreciate your caring enough to post such a thoughtful note. but there are just some inaccuracies...


yeah, I'm looking long, hard, and critically at my role in the demise of our marriage. however, I will not
take responsibility for xh's midlife crisis, which involved changing jobs, churches, and partners all in 2 months' time. by his own admission, he felt he had "outgrown the marriage like an old overcoat." he has a long history of running from situations that don't feed his narcissistic view of himself, and once I developed boundaries and a sense of self, he outgrew me. Was I perfect? No way. But I wasn't the one who committed adultery.
I never had the opportunity to say anything like this, nor display the attitude, because the only contact we've had has been one birthday wish and a sympathy note on the death of my SIL's father. No mention of xh in either, except to apologize for the awkwardness of the situation. in so many words, and no more. in the first week, I did contact one of xh's brothers; I thought he had lost his mind and was looking for a bit of an intervention. he was initially very supportive, and maybe 2 emails passed between us before he talked with xh and abruptly ended all communication with me. and I honored his request 100%. I haven't seen nor spoken with other family members--so there's no way to convey a negative attitude.
I haven't had any contact with dad's family since his funeral, which was in 1967 when I was 11. I've found 2 or 3 cousins, one of whom has remained in contact with me. Fortunately it's an unusual last name. yes, I would like to reach out to more of them, but there were only 2 or 3 who returned my notes. And I continue searching for them on the internet.
I don't know where this comes from, but it strikes me as cruel. I simultaneously lost my marriage and my job--and subsequently my support community at church (where I worked). I have reached out; I have tried, and continue to try, to GAL. Like many, I have serious financial difficulties that I'm trying to overcome. My support and financial resources are limited, so I haven't been able to travel, take classes, pursue a degree, pursue new hobbies. I have put my energy into creating a stable home for D13, supporting her as she deals with middle school as well as a deteriorating relationship with her father, making a living (I work 2 jobs, like many on these boards), maintaining my house/yard, healing the grief, growing beyond survival. Not sure what about any of this is making my life about xh. I do come to my thread to vent so that I don't make anyone in my immediate life uncomfortable, and so that I can get it out of my head and pull it together to be a good mother. It was my impression that that is one of the purposes of posting to begin with; do I need to wear a mask here as well?

That WAS cruel. Either that, or ignorant.

Puppy

A vandal might only get into your home because you've left the door unlocked, but the damage he causes is on his head alone. Your negligence doesn't absolve him from his destruction of what is precious to you.

I'm sorry Oldtimer, but I have zero sympathy for OM/OW. They are -- by definition -- PREDATORS. Yes, they usually find their way into dysfunctional marriages, but:

a) Such a marriage deserves an outsider's particular tenderness and respect, not their intervention and destruction; and

b) According to research by Dr. Harley (and others), this is simply untrue in 20-25% of the cases. Harley found that EVEN HAPPY, HEALTHY MARRIAGES can fall prey to the lure of infidelity -- a finding which he said shocked him. It is a myth that all or even "nearly all" marriages which include affairs are dysfunctional, and even dysfunction is no excuse for a unhappy spouse to not say "We need to talk," before they spread their legs for another.

Then again, that's just my opinion.

Puppy

thanks.

A good idea! However, I see the need for HM to vent her feelings here. And, I agree with Puppy ... I have no sympathy for OM/OW. They are predators, unless they are unaware the WAS is married. But one should always try and find these things out.

And the OW in HM's case knew exactly what she was doing. I have no doubt that she will eventually fall prey to HM's ex-husband's 'sacrificing' personality. But, she's not a giver (only a taker, like XH), so it probably won't bother her at all.

Vent away, HM.

thank you.

there's a bit of a morbid fascination for me in wondering what will happen once the love chemicals wear off and these 2 profoundly self-centered people recognize each other for who they really are. no, I don't wish them pain and disaster, only to gain some understanding that their choices have caused great pain for other people--including innocent victims like their children. their decisions have had serious repercussions for others, but they seem to have had no consequences. but I think they're both fairly narcissistic (I know xh is for a fact) and as such, their capacity for empathy is quite limited.

Hoozh, I just keep getting this picture of that old "The Far Side" comic in my head. You know, the one where the cows are all grazing, and suddenly one looks up and says to the others: "Wait a minute . . . this is GRASS! We've been eating GRASS!!!"

lmao!!!

Pup