You too. I always like to stop and realize we still live in the greatest country in the world. Somewhere we are free to say and do just about anything.
"Hush that monkey brain," eh? Very good. I've heard it called Mindchatter, Mitote, Dukkha, Maya. But Monkey brain?
I call it the "crazymaking part" of the brain, personally. I'm thinking of calling it "Kev", though...
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Journaling: Well, I had a nice long, leisurely day getting ready for tomorrow's first atypical Gardener Unblended Family Traditional Friday Thanksgiving Dinner. Cleaning, cooking, setting up - the usual. ipod cranking all day. Still have to skip about 1 out of every 3 songs when on shuffle ("No, no, NO, I don't want to hear that song, thankyewverymuch!"). And as I just typed those words, Elton John's "The One" just came on; I'll be right back...
Both sons called. S,33 calls from the road going from home in Colorado, to Dallas. I didn't ask. He's a real bohemian, that boy with a big heart (but a story for another day). S,31 called. He'll be with us tomorrow (sans GS,4 and recent WAW/DIL) along with my B, SIL, Nephews, 33 & 26.
I had invited STBW's Sis and family to come over for desert like they have for almost all 17 years. She declined - warmly - via email this morning.
After dessert on TDay and Christmas Eve, S,31 always sings accompanied on the piano by N,33. Tradition. Two weeks ago, STBXW came over w/movers and took the piano (hers).
No calls or e-mail from StepS or D. But perhaps they will call tomorrow on "our" traditional TDay.
Checked in on the boards on and off throughout the day, chiming in occasionally.
Just before I sat down for this post a recent memory surfaced. I was watching CBS Sunday Morning in March. Some very old mucky-muck in the NY Arts scene was being interviewed. Don't know who/what he was (lyricist?), didn't recognize the name at all. At one point the interviewer mentions and offers condolences over the recent passing of this gentleman's gay partner of some 60+ years.
Paraphrasing/remembering, here: "How did you last that long? What's the secret?" Well, this gentleman looks at the interviewer like he had two heads and responded immediately, "We never gave up on each other; we never quit on each other. That's the problem these days: everybody gives up on each other."
Hope all of you people who - like this gentlemen and his departed love - never give up, never quit, had as good a Thanksgiving Day as possible. Tomorrow, I will do the same and give a first-time Thanks to The Lord for all of you.
G'night.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Venting. Venting trivial, exasperating alien encounter, but venting nonetheless.
Maybe it's because I have virtually no contact with STBXW and, therefore get so little script and spewing that I'm absolutely flabbergasted when I do get it. This...this non-sense!
Monday, wife asks if she can borrow my pick-up truck Sunday so she and female friend can take a wardrobe thingy (hers) from our house over to her new apartment (not 10 minutes away) "Sure!" says Mr. Nice Guy Gardener. Hey, reasonable request, plenty of advance notice, no inconvenience, so why not?.
Thursday, STBXW calls my S,31 and asks him if he would like to have her (our) double recliner that she no longer needs. "Yes," says he. She asks a favor in return: "When you go to your dad's house to get his pick-up truck for double recliner, would you bring over my wardrobe thingy and save me the trip?" Sure, he says and comes tonight (Sat) to do so.
Great, says Gardener, because now he has his truck all day tomorrow and he is finishing up his season tomorrow and Monday and starting his off-season gig on Tuesday.
Son had told me that STBXW said, "I have your dad's truck on Sunday anyway" (?). No, no, no. Some confusion, there. She no longer needs it now.
Tonight, while S & friend are upstairs bringing down wardrobe thingy, STBXW calls and asks what time she can pick up truck tomorrow. "I'm confused" says I. "about what?" says she. "Well I'm curious as to what you're talking about, since as we speak, S & friend are humping wardrobe thingy downstairs to bring to your apartment, which is why you originally asked for the truck"
She, "No, I told you I was also going to go into city and pick up new couch to save delivery charge."
Gardener, "No, you said you and friend were coming over for wardrobe thingy in the morning and would be back within the hour." I was so near the hall closet that I should have grabbed and donned the spew-coat: because she let's fly with her version. Me: Nope never said that. One quick errand and right back. I even Mr-Nice-Guyed her the truck anyway, as long as she returned it by 10:30. She, "That's too early, I guess I'll have to rent a truck now that you've changed your mind!" I stay cool, calm - even comically so - in the face of this fictional alternate universe of hers.
Five minutes later, she calls back: "Hello?" "I want to know was S,31 standing there while you were yelling at me on the phone?!" "Yelling? I don't yell; I didn't yell." "Well, when you were talking to me in that tone, then?!" I deflect and say S was in house humping wardrobe thingy; I was outside. Goodbye.
Ten Minutes later she calls back in full-chutzpah mode, "Well, I just found out I can pick the couch up much earlier than I thought. Can I still borrow the truck?" "Okay," says Mr. Nice Guy Gardener. (I know, I know) But I figure, "What the hell. If she's going to poison step kids against me, she'll have to use out-and-out lies to do so, because I am going to remain calm, reasonably cooperative and "friendy" until we are finally, legally severed next month. Heck, I even told her why have S, 31 drive back here and you drive over in the morning to get the truck?? Keep the truck at your place overnight. Get an early start tomorrow."
She's demonized me to justify her alien WAW vow-discarding. She expects to see that demon in every transaction. I make it a point to make sure she doesn't see or hear anything that she could even remotely report as, "See? Demon! I'm right!"
The second time she asked for the truck after her two tirades, I could have said, "no." I could have set a boundary: "I feel deceived when you ask for the truck for one reason and then...I feel disrespected when you mislabel my calculated and deliberate calmness and polite demeanor as 'screaming.' I could have easily suggested a physically impossible biological act for her as well.
But why bother? Six more weeks of High Road. Some may say Doormat I say, High Road. Verbal Judo. Give her no ammo fire at her kids; let her invent her own. This is why my step D is suddenly distant and my Step s is now estranged.
I know. I'm kinda spewing, myself, here boring, trivial nonsense, no less. But wth?
Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener... it sounds to me like you handled yourself with dignity in the face of a very difficult situation. We all have to make spur of the moment judgement calls in our sitches... some would agree with our choices, some would not. The point is, you clearly seem to have a sense of what you feel is best in your sitch for various reasons, and you seem to have an inner strength and resolve to do what you need to do for you.
Venting here is good, healthy and... thank God... safe. When we live in sitches where emotional safety has been taken from us, that is so important.
Hope today is a better day for you and you are feeling strong, confident and at peace with where you are going from here.
