Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Life changing decision.......help!

My husband and I have been together for over 12 years, married for 7. We've dated since HS. Two years ago or more I discovered he was having an affair with my best friend. He began drinking heavily and went through round one of treatment only to please me and his parents. Eventually the she/my best friend ended the affair with him. He drank even more. We were separated for about a year. We have a 2.5 year old son.
His drinking/depression/sucidial thoughts hit an all time low in January. He completed a 60-day in patient treatment and graduated in March. He came home on his own free will to me and our son. Things were feeling as though they were improving. We were laughing again, having fun felt like we were reconnecting. Even though I knew deep down he wasn't over her. As of late he's become distant, shut down. He was laid off about a month ago.......and he is saying things like why do you love me? What do you want out of life?

Within the last day or so he's said I am a happy person I'm just not happy with us. He doesn't seem real willing to do counseling as he thinks we've already tried that I told him that I was tired of him blaming me for his unhappiness. Whether he is with me or someone else the same problems will pop up if he doesn't work on himself. I have found pictures of my ex-best friend (the other woman) scattered throughout. He has her senior picture still in his wallet. None of anyone else, like his wife or child but her. I found one in his truck of her. In his photo album of her. In my mind, clearly NOT over her. I think he will always love her. As his wife that’s very hard. She was my best friend for over a decade!

Friday he said he wanted to be done, said he would not do counseling.
Said things like:
you will find someone and thank me. Be happier.
Do you think I want to sit in an apartment by myself staring at a TV?
I am a happy person.

I told him I wanted to be left alone. (That was Friday).
Saturday he text me 21 times saying: how are you doing, talk to me, talk to me, maybe we can spend some time with Jack (our son), talk to me please, I can't live like this, tell me what you want, I'll go to counseling.

Now he is willing to watch the Love & Respect video, and we’re doing counseling this afternoon but …I feel as though he needs his own counseling. He’s got lots to work through within himself. It’s hard to hear him say he is happy, a happy person. Want to believe that but it seems hard to believe.
What does anyone else think? Please help!

Boundaries.

You did the right thing by telling him you want to be left alone. Lay down the ground rules. Go to counseling. At the counseling let him know you will accept him back IF the other woman is gone and he is willing to prove it and he is willing to get his own counseling. The Love & Respect video is a GREAT idea but he can start first by RESPECTING you. You want to believe. We all want to believe. DON'T you believe it, until he is willing to prove it with total transparency. Do you think you deserve anything less?

This. ^ Spot-on.

Puppy

I'm reading Codependent No More. I need help with the boundaries, it's my biggest downfall.
How do I set them? How do I know if he's really trying to work on things? Or just making sure I don't hate him? Having the best of both worlds?

Re-read what I posted to you above. When he does those things then you know. It really couldn't be any more simple. IF he does anything less, more than likely he is having or seeking to have the best of both worlds.

I know I deserve that. I do. I should clarify regarding the other woman. He isn't seeing and or talking with the affair partner. Their contact has stopped since last March. My point in mentioning it was he is still in love with her. Which is where it's obviously causing problems within our marriage to name a few. His sobriety, etc. He has been sober for nearly 11 months.

I wasn't trying to smack you down, just put you back on the path. Fear and hurt makes us lose sight.

How do you know he is still in love with her? He may still be in withdrawel from her. That is possible. It may also be possible that he is still in contact with her. How do you KNOW he is not? Contact in some capacity is the main contributer to keeping affair flames burning.

Please share some more details with us. If he is sober for nearly 11 months, that sounds like a huge positive. If he wants to watch the Love and Respect video with you, that seems like reasonable effort. If he goes to IC then he would be making the effort. If he is doing these things, then at some point you will start to be able to trust and feel better.

If what he is doing is better than before, you are moving in the right direction. If not than not.

Because we only have our cell phones and periodically I check our useage minutes/texts. I haven't seen anything since last March. She basically threw him out to the dogs so to speak after people were figuring it out.

Why - I guess because I know he's still hanging on to it. I've found pictures of her nothing provacative or anything in his truck/photo album, wallet. So it's clear he's hanging on to it.

We had our first round of couples counseling last night. He said we feel like roommates, admits he's selfish, etc.

I would tell him it is dis-respectful to you to keep that stuff around. He can't keep both that stuff and you. If the shoe were on the other foot, would he put up with it?

He is going to counseling, that seems like a positive, he admits his own faults, that is a positive.

You feel like roommates...hmmm why does he say that? That one sounds like you have a part in creating that feeling, no?

Yeah I doubt he'd put up with it. Well our sex life is pretty much nonexistent. Hard to have sex wtih him after the affair. So that part has diminished. I too feel as though we are roommates. He wants to continue counseling. Continues to text me everyday, call, etc. Asking if we can hang out, etc.
So hard to know.........