Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy WAW on suicide watch, what now???

Another bomb today, she contacted a lawyer. I actually got the notice for the certified letter yesterday but I have not gone to the post office yet, no time when it is full time Dad, full time job and full time stress. My W spoke to my son on 2 nights ago while we were in Costco. SIL texts me to have S9 call on her phone so he could speak to his Mom, I don't want to be accused of keeping the kids from her so I call and hand the phone to my S9. Of course SIL is the one to answer so my W does not have to talk to me at all or even hear my voice. My wife asks my S9 if he wants to see her on Saturday and he asks and I say okay. Mind you she has just gotten out of the hospital for threatening to commit suicide, so I have a little aprehension about letting him see her. I know now it was a BS atempt for attention but I am worried she might try to take him and go back to SIL's in VA.

I spoke to OM's wife today after I found out about the lawyer. OM's W took some pictures of my W and OM in the bed together when she caught them red handed, which is what triggered the whole "I'm gonna kill myself routine". I am looking to get the pictures, nothing explicit just them under the covers. OM's W told me that my W had contacted OM back while in the hospital. OM and his W are going to work on thier M, they are M 21 years and have been separated since July 6. He is the one that wants his W back, and realizes his mistake. OM told my W that they were over, only lasted 5 weeks and that she needed to concentrate on her kids and her M and herself. I guess I got what I wanted which was to break up the A. I am happy for them and I guess I am happy or at least satisfied that OM rejected my W for his. I am jealous of the fact that he is going to work on the M with his W and my W is full steam ahead with the big D. I told OM's wife to give him a chance and that she has all the power right now. I actually bought her a copy of DR when we first met for coffee, I told her to dive in. She is concerned that my W will continue to contact her H, (cat claws extended).

We still have 9 months before she can file for D but a sep agreement is basically the D in a nutshell. I am going to keep on DBing and GAL. I am going to contact a lawyer tomorrow but when we have contact to get my S9 back and forth I will just act as if the whole thing doesn't bother me. Funny thing is after couple of months of trying to detatch it is starting to take hold. It is like I don't care and if D happens it is her loss not mine, but I would work on the M if she started to show signs of wanting to. Right now I am working on small goals, just waiting to see if she will talk to me again, instead of text and email.

Hmmm; guess she wasn't quite so addled and disoriented after all. I'm sorry; I know that stings.

Better get crackin'.

Puppy

Actually felt good today, in fact all day was pretty darn good for a change. This morning went back to Christian IC and I found that I was talking more about trying to get my D13 to forgive my W, than me trying to forgive my W again. I really feel myself detatching, I have not spoke to my W since November 15th, and haven't seen her. Sure I have my moments but it is definitely getting better. I did share with my IC that I have a fear of detatching so completely that if and when my W comes crawling back that I will have lost all feeling for her. IC said, "worry about that when it happens". It really sounds simple but it has been hard to get to where I think I am today.

I was a shaken up yesterday about the lawyer thing but I went to see one today and after talking about the sitch from a legal position, I could stand outside and look at it from a more logical standpoint. I feel so impowered now b/c I know what my W wants at least in the short term. She wants her freedom to do whatever she wants when she wants to. She wants that freedom more than she wants the kids, I would say in fact that she does not want the kids at all, sad isn't it. This is her achillies heal in the nogitiation process for a Separation agreement. I have been taking care of the kids 24/7 since Aug 25 which has enabled her to carry on as she has. The last thing she wants is to be tied down by anyone even her kids. Further more she does not want the responsibility of keeping up with the house, cleaning, cooking, yard, bills etc. (she never did it before). I was sweating this whole thing out, this a huge opportunity for me to do an "act if" or "180". Her aunt and MIL think that she wants her kids back and to be a mother again and so on. They want to have a R with the kids. What they don't realize is that my W barely wants a part time R with the kids, actually just my S9, D13 hates her and has recently identified with Kelly Pickler. More later D13 wants to talk.

Okay, that was "negotiation" not nogitiation, and it was the Aunt and the SIL not the Aunt and the MIL. Lose 70 pounds and a couple of beers will get you a little loopy. Where I come from we call Thursday night "Little Friday" and I am starting the weekend a little early.

Back to sitch. W has lied so much and has worked so hard at making me the enemy with her family that her family, aunt and SIL, think she is cured and that she now more than ever needs to get a lawyer and get a separation agreement hammered out. What they don't realize is that the separation agreement is the set up for the big D. My W is not in the long term mode right now, so she is not going to want to try to get the things that would essentially take away her freedom, kids, house, bills, homework, soccer etc. Even if I offered it to her, and I'm not, but if I did she would turn it down, thus the WAW syndrome. I just realized this and now is the best time to get this done while she is in this mode. Once I secure what I want, kids, house, homework, soccer, etc. (no one wants the bills) then I can get down to some real DBing. Here in NC you have to be apart 1 year to file for D. I got 9 months to go. I really am starting to not care what she does, I know she will be back on the prowl for another OM, but the Holidays are bad time for that, maybe the loneliness will set in and she might start to think about what she had. I know that does not sound like I am detatching there, I am, it is just an observation. Still taking it a day at a time, but each day puts me further away from the pain and closer to the healing.

Do you have an attorney yet?

Puppy

I had a consultation yesterday. I have not retained them yet but probably will next week. I felt much better after the meeting b/c all of the emotional BS goes out the window. It is just facts and reality both of which my W has avoided since this H$ll on Earth began back in May. I have the house, the kids and have been caring for them full time 24/7 since she has been gone(I threw her out Aug 25).
Her sister is a big influence on her right now, along with her aunt. Their motivation is the kids, what they don't understand is that my W's motivation is freedom. My wife may be telling them what they want to hear but I am certain she still yearns for the carefree no responsibility lifestyle. That is why she contacted OM back to re-establish the affair, he rebuked her. He is still in love with his W and is trying to work on their R. I want her to realize that she will be paying me child support until both kids D13,S9 reach 18. Even if we agree to joint custody where neither one of us is paying the other the burden of caring for the kids half of the time will impinge on her lifestyle choice. I think right now she views the kids as more of pets than children, she can come around once in while when it is convenient for her and play with them (right now just S9, D13 hates her) and then go back to OM, partying, etc.

Right now we are trying to work out the details of getting my S9 to her for a sleepover with her tomorrow night. I was a little concerned at first with the suicide threat but I know that was a bunch of BS, she would never hurt herself she is having too much fun right now, and I don't think she would hurt our S9. I am concerned though about SIL. SIL is very opinionated, thinks she is right about everything, even relationships. SIL is no expert on R, she is 35 and never been in a R that lasted more than a couple of months. SIL tries to interject herself into our R, and I am setting boundries concerning SIL. SIL is trying to play the roll of a parent to our kids. 3 weeks ago SIL was here to help with D13's Bday party and took both kids out to eat. I asked SIL not to talk to D13 about sitch unless D13 brought it up and to absolutely not talk about sitch in front of S9. As soon as they sat down to eat (according to D13) she started talking about sitch with both our kids. I did not find out until a week later. Needless to say I am furious but I have resigned myself to not say anything and keep my anger in check as it will not help the sitch. I am a little concerned that SIL might try something stupid like wisk my S9 back to VA.

I have not spoken to W since Nov 15, and only been texting 3 or 4 times since Nov. 28. The NC has helped me detatch further but I want to talk to my W to calmly express my concerns about SIL. I hate texting for this level of communication plus it leaves a trail. I don't know if I should just let it go as a nice gesture towards my W. The last time I did that my W broke down over the phone and started crying saying "she was sorry, she did not want it to turn out this way". I guess that was a positive baby step in the DB effort. Not sure what to do.

Well it seems that some things are beginning to sink in. But, why wouldn't you get pictures of W & OM "outside" of the covers on the bed--if OM's W has them? Don't you think a Judge would be interested in seeing them? Put dirty pictures with a suicide attempt and WW may not have to worry about being tied down with kids! This is not the time to think like a "gentleman". However, get you a lawyer and listen to the his/her advice.

Exactly! Get an atty and go for full custody. Do you really think your waw is the role model you want for your children?

They've seen enough ugliness already.

Sandi,
I hear what you are saying about getting a lawyer and trying to get the pics. OM's W is reluctant to give them to me, I am not sure why, maybe she thinks that it would hurt the rebuilding of te R between her and her H. I think my W told/lied to OM that I was trying to keep kids from her, I was abusive, non-loving etc. same old WAW stuff, and he sympathizes with my W and knows those pics would eliminate any chances of custody, alimony etc. for her. I think she has lied so much and to so many people that she actually believes it herself, she has created her own reality. The bottom line is that she does not want custody, her lawyer's letter to me stated that she wanted visitation not custody. Any type of custody would take away her precious freedom.
I would love to have the pics but the lawyer I consulted with says it really doesn't matter unless we go to court, which is very expensive and we would both be letting someone else make decisions for us. While I may "feel" that I want to prove to the world what a $#@*^% my W has been, the court/judge does not get emotional about it and therefore the pics are not that important. Additionally this A was post-separation and while it is illicit, it would not weigh as heavily as the first A which was pre-separation. My Father felt the same way as you at first, "stick it to her!!". This is just another attempt to get me to play her game. In this case, I would be paying a top gun lawyer to draft a separation aggreemet that she wants not me an I my lawyer would end up doing all the work and charging me. I am sitting back for a few days to see what comes next. The last line of the letter from her lawyer said, "if you don't follow any of these directives or fail to contact me back within 7 days, I will be forced to ADVISE your W to file a law suit." I say bring it on, she knows she does not have a case for anything.

I actually wrote the last post late last night and forgot to submit it.

New developments today. I saw and spoke to my W at the drop off today for my S9 to see her. First time I have seen her or spoken to her in 3 weeks. The original plan was for him to spend all day with her and sleepover with her in her rented room and then she would drop him at church in the morning with me. I had my cell off this morning and she had texted me twice, which I did not get. She finally called me!!!! One small goal accomplished. I hated texting and email plus it leaves a trail. I also set some boundaries, no more texts, emails and voice mail, we have to talk from now on. She agreed with some small exceptions on texts which I agreed to. Also I did not want SIL at the drop off, my W complied somewhat and SIL stayed in restaurant while we did drop off.
When I spoke with her on the phone early this morning, I could tell she had been crying. I did not ask why, she asked if we could change plans with S9 visitation this weekend. Her part time job called her and changed the schedule at the last minute so she has to work today at noon. (The great escape ain’t so great anymore!!) She wanted to know if I had plans tomorrow with S9 so she could spend time with him tomorrow. I agreed b/c S9 misses his mom and I know it would be good for him and maybe my W will start to come back to reality. She also let me know that she needed to work b/c she need the money, again, the great escape ain’t so great anymore.
I was nice at the drop off and smiled at her and acted glad that she and S9 were able to see each other. I have to go back and pick him up in 1 hour (short visit 2 hours) at mom’s place of work, the mall. She agreed that it would just be us no others, she must not be scared of me anymore, she told MIL that she was scared of me while she was in the hospital. Translate, scared to face me and the guilt of what she has done and what a mess of her life she has made. Gotta go to pick up S9.