Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Need Help again!!

Still no real contact with XH since he has been here. I hate it, I hate the way my life is now that he has done this to us. I wrote somethings out today about how much it hurts that he has done all these things to us, for no real reason at all but OW!!

I have so much guilt that I chose a man like this to be the father to my kids!! A man who cannot step up for his family, a man who has no honor, pride or intregerity. How did I end up with a man like this when I came from a very good, close family. I am the first one from both sides of the family to ever be divorced!! How did I believe in a man who can live with doing this to his kids. He watches them suffer, sees their pain, knows their whole life has been turned upside down, and all because he couldn't be man enougth to give up the OW, work on a marriage, give of himself.. at all!! How do people get so selfish as to truly believe that they are soooo much more important than those he brought into this world and his wife he made so many promises and commitments to?

I know he is in MLC, it is a classic case, and I have questioned on here many, many things...but when do you stop questioning and realize that this is who they are now, they have chosen this life for us and themselves and there is nothing I or anyone else can do. All the stats say that the relationship with the OP will not last, but this one seems to be doing fine, despite the fact that she knows he already cheated on him. Where do these extremely needy, pathetic, door-mat women come from, and why would a man want that kind of woman?

I am rambling, venting here instead of to him or anyone else. I am praying non-stop that while he is here he sees his kids in a new light one that shows him how much they need him and OW isn't worth losing them and losing all this time with them, but I am not holding my breath. I know he is avoiding me because he doesn't want me to see him, really see him, like I did the last time he was here. He knows I know him better than any person on this planet and I will be able to see how unhappy he really is, and he doesn't want me to point it out to him again. Which I won't since there is no point, he just doesn't get it at all.
I know that is the whole idea of MLC, I get it in my mind, but my heart won't catch up and stop being broken. I hurt so much for my kids, that is the worst part, how someone can do so many hurtful things to innocent little people!!

A
ME-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 T-21
D16, S14, D10
MLC- 10/06, started with OW same time
Bomb #1- 7/07
sep- 9/07
back T-12/07
sep for good-7/08
D final-5/09
bomb #2-9/09 (was with OW since 2/08)

Hurt with you.

Hurt with you.

Thanks so much "are you kidding". I read some of your posts and I hurt with you too. I am having issues with my D16 and D10, my XH accuses D16 of doing drugs, picking horrible friends, running around with the wrong boys, etc when she is in Georgia where she grew up. He uses this as an excuse for her not to be allowed to go visit him in Georgia (we now live in Ohio). She does none of those things up here, and I'm sure not when she is down there either. XH and D16 were very, very close till all of this happened and now he knows she knows what he is and what he has done, so I think he does it to push her away. These MLCer's are just plain crazy!

Last night, I went to meet some friends at a bar/resturant, I knew it was a place that XH takes the kids to watch football when he is up here, so I asked D16 (she had just come home from dinner with him) where they were going after dinner and she said a different bar/resturant, so I thought I was clear to go to the other one. I got there, and XH, S14 and D10 were walking out! D10 comes running over to me and hugs me, S14 and XH go and get in his car. I had not seen S14 for a few days so I went over to say "Hi". While I am talking to S14, XH and I are just looking into each others eyes. XH then says "What are you doing, what are you up to tonight?" I just said "meeting some friends". If I would ever, ever have asked him the same thing he would tell me, "it is none of your business, I don't ask you about your personal life, so don't ask me about mine". But, I was just casual and answered him like it was no big deal, said good-bye and went in to meet my friends.

Today, D16 gets ready and comes down to tell me she is going to eat with XH and other kids, they pull up and she makes them wait, but no one gets out of the car, and she leaves.

Oh, the night before last D10 calls me from the hotel room with XH at midnight telling me to come pick her up, she wants to come home. I told her "no, I am not at home, you need to stay with Dad" I really was home in my bed, but not their business. She begs and pleads, crys and such, I stay firm (all the while XH could have taken the phone, apologized and tell me he will handle it, but he can't do this cause he is not an adult!!). She asks me where I am and I tell her not to worry about it. Then, I turned my phone off. Earlier that evening XH had texted me asking if he could bring D10 home for a few hours the next morning while he took S14 to a gun show, I told him I wouldn't be home till mid morning and he could bring her around 11 am.

I am soooo proud of myself, no tears, no R talk, no OW talk, nothing!! I have stayed very, very distant. I know there is a long road ahead!! He is still soooo deep in the tunnel and still with OW. We go down there next weekend for the SEC Championship game, kids will stay with XH and I am staying with my friend two nights and a hotel one night. I know my friend will keep me straight and on the right path. Everyone down there knows how crazy he went overnight! They have seen OW and cannot figure out for the life of them what he is thinking!! I have gotton soooo many messages from my friends down there after they see her and they all are just amazed at how ugly she is and how much he "downgraded" when he left me. But, I guess cute looks, a good heart, good mother, good wife, great lover, someone with values, morals, etc. just isn't good enough for my XH, he wants the opposite.

Two questions after all that rambling...XH and kids might go to the zoo's light display Christmas thing tonight, kids want me to come too, if XH asks me to go...should I? And, last week I made a CD of all "our" songs and other ones that say exactly what I feel and want him to hear and know, such as David Cooks "Come Back to Me" should I give it to him before he leaves tomorrow?

If any of you haven't heard that song, get a tissue and listen to it, it is exactly a song to an MLCer!! I sob everytime I hear it!!

Thanks everyone!

A

DON'T GIVE HIM THE CD!

You have done a GREAT job acting as if, don't blow it now!

I'm proud of you too. Very, very good job.

This is a long road, there are are very few detours. Keep up the good work.

DON'T GIVE HIM THE CD.

He left, I didn't give him the CD! We did have a moment of awfulness! He came to bring the kids back, walked in my house like he lived there, said he brought me scallops, and then asked to speak to me outside about our D16. It didn't go well, cause I had to say things that he didn't want to hear, he left and I cried. I sent him a text telling him to just leave us alone, he doesn't care, he never asks about the kids, he swoops in and is "disneyland dad" then leaves without caring or asking about anything real that is going on, I told him to go back to his "la-la land" where there are no problems because when there are he just walks out, drives away, leaves, etc.

I know this was not what I was "suppose" to say to him, but honestly, I don't care anymore what I say or do to him, this is about me now and I am going to do whatever I want that makes me feel better and makes me able to move on and leave him in the past. He is not a quality person, MLC or not! He is a horrible example to his kids, an awful role-model, he does everything we try and try to teach our kids not to do. I just want to make myself better, and move on from a very toxic man. I know this is what I should be doing and should have been doing from the beginning and most of the time I am and I was, but with kids it is harder, especially when someone is hurting them so much on so many levels! Anyway, I will keep coming here, for support on making myself the best I can be and to help me remain as dark as possible, not to get him back, but to heal myself!!

A