Thanks for your thoughts Gardener. I have been giving this lots of thought and prayer today, as I sort out what happens next for me. You would think I would be jumping for joy that H has made the decision he has about OW. A few weeks ago, I thought I would have. And, don't get me wrong, I am very, very encouraged. And, it does seem sincere. But... this now puts me in this difficult spot, and it is testing me to my core. Well, I don't think there is any reason for him to know about this forum. It is for me, and it has been a lifeline. The friend is female, but H doesn't know I have been confiding in her. She has been a helpful, more neutral person than family members or closer friends would be able to be. But, again, that is just for me.
Anyway, continuing sorting this out, remembering the steps I've taken to get to a place of strength for myself... finding my way back there if I can...
A distinction can be made this way - H violated the vows of your M. He broke the bond of trust. Even if he does want to re-commit, key word here being "re", he has a lot of work to do, and none of that is do-able unless and until he undos some of the circumstances that allowed that trust to be broken.
Transparency is necessary because he has demonstrated willingly that he is not to be trusted as far as OW is concerned. The ball is firmly in his court.
You are here not because you chose to be an LBS or betrayed spouse. You were put in that position and you chose to garner all the support you can ... to either make the M work, or to move on and live a fabulous life anyway ... best efforts here. And your friend and this forum is part of that support system. You owe NO apologies to anyone for this. You did not betray the vows of your M so there is no issue of transparency here. You need to keep some privacy since you are fighting a war in many ways here, and need to keep somethings to yourself.
If and when your sitch clears up and the M is healed, you may choose to tell your H, or not. And to stay and help others who are hurting, or not.
Stay strong, stay true
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Hey Deep, nice to hear from you... That is a good clarification. That makes sense.
I'm sure you remember all your mixed feelings and struggles after your W decided to end the affair. There is such relief but still such a long way to go.
Feeling a little stronger as this day went on... I am remembering and keep telling myself I will be ok no matter what.
I don't think I'm ever gonna like roller coasters again IRL ...
Anyway, continuing sorting this out, remembering the steps I've taken to get to a place of strength for myself... finding my way back there if I can...
Of course you can. You know the way, now!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
A distinction can be made this way - H violated the vows of your M. He broke the bond of trust. Even if he does want to re-commit, key word here being "re", he has a lot of work to do, and none of that is do-able unless and until he undos some of the circumstances that allowed that trust to be broken.
Transparency is necessary because he has demonstrated willingly that he is not to be trusted as far as OW is concerned. The ball is firmly in his court.
You are here not because you chose to be an LBS or betrayed spouse. You were put in that position and you chose to garner all the support you can ... to either make the M work, or to move on and live a fabulous life anyway ... best efforts here. And your friend and this forum is part of that support system. You owe NO apologies to anyone for this. You did not betray the vows of your M so there is no issue of transparency here. You need to keep some privacy since you are fighting a war in many ways here, and need to keep somethings to yourself.
If and when your sitch clears up and the M is healed, you may choose to tell your H, or not. And to stay and help others who are hurting, or not.
Hehee... Puppy you are a man of few words aren't you? But, yet you say so much...
Thanks also Gardener for the encouragement.
I know what needs to be done. I'm just freakin' scared. Don't even know why at this point. Really, what have I got to lose. I should re-read the thread "Rock the freakin' boat already".
I dunno. The emotions that blind side you day day living in these types of sitches.... sometimes it's overwhelming.
But a new day tomorrow, let's see what it brings....
In the meantime, I will go from strength to strength....
Hehee... Puppy you are a man of few words aren't you? But, yet you say so much...
LOL. When I read someone's post, and I want to respond, I try to first read what others have said. When someone else says EXACTLY what I wanted to say, and does it so much more thoroughly, I usually just say "ditto" and move on.
It's not meant to lessen the gravity of the subject at hand, or the decisions you have to make. But I really do agree with that entire post. It's the only way I've seen it successfully done, and I think you'll regret it greatly if you go the softer route.
RW, You get over the emotions by thinking and planning on how you will get thru this. You have to prepare yourself for the possible outcomes - reconciliation or divorce. Once you come to terms with how both scenarios will look, feel, sound, taste and smell then you can effectively handle it. Then make your mind up that you will come out on the other side a better RockedWorld no matter what.
This is just 180s, goals, GAL,and self-improvement. You didn't choose to be here but you have a choice in how you handle it. You are doing fine, your emotions are normal, you will make mistakes and this isn't easy. I found that replacing the fear with a positive emotion helps, ask yourself if what you are doing is a loving action. Strength and Honor.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Puppy, I am sure you are right that I would regret not taking the stand I need to.
Coach, thank you for the tips on managing my emotions.
Today, I am struggling a bit because H and I had a conversation last night in which he reaffirmed ending R with OW and even feeling some "peace" about that, but also that there will be "work related" contact for awhile. And, before I could get to the transparency issue, H discussed feeling he still likely feels he will move out for his "own integrity" until we can sort out our M.
I wasn't expecting that curve ball. So, I felt it took away my leverage. Now how do I draw the transparency boundary? How do I enforce it? I just feel at a loss. I ended up just talking about how essential transparency will be whether he lives with me or not... He says he can understand that as a concept and that's how far it goes.
Because I wasn't prepared for that, I don't think I handled it well. He saw weakness in me again when I responded to that curve ball and I feel I have lost ground.
Help... how do I recover from this, how do I enforce a boundary like that, and where do I go from here?
Just re-reading coach's thread on boundaries... duh... why didn't I do that before...lol
So, I am getting a better picture here.
I need to communicate that if H continues ongoing contact with OW (other than what is absolutely essential for work) and refuses transparency with me, then I will need to consider my options, including leaving the R. I am not willing to be in an open M nor be treated that way.
...