Hi Cutter, They know there are struggles in our M which my H has owned as "his issues" and "nothing to do with your mother". But they do not know there has been an A. They know dad has been considering a temp. separation but that I am opposed to the idea. Oldest S18 has come to me directly to ask if there is "more to dad's issues" than what he has told them and whether i am afraid of infidelity if we separated. I answered yes to both these questions and encouraged him to discuss these things further with his dad.
Be very mindful of validating and / or encouraging H's mood swings towards OW. Be mindful too of your own state of mind and "DB integrity" or you can eat yourself alive, or rather the self-doubt can, not to mention dealing with the seeming insanity should the sitch go south.
W had also spoken to me at length about OM and their R. About the closeness, the connection, why it happened. There's a VERY fine line between hearing out the WAS, and helping them justify in their own minds why it happened. And this is important because I feel at some point, without being vindictive on the part of the LBS, both spouses have to come to terms with what had been going wrong in the M, and each have to OWN the responsibility for the decisions they made. You can't fully move forward without confronting this demon.
W also spoke to me of the negatives in the A. How OM was rich, but cheap. How she knew it was never going to go anywhere. When I was serving military reserve for 3 weeks a few days after discovery, she texted me regularly, including "I miss you"s. Met me for lunch one day and out of nowhere "Deep, see that grass there? It's always greener on the other side, until you step in it and it's full of sh*t" - and that's a direct quote.
Oh, but a couple of weeks later, it was the Alien again. "I have no connection with you"; "I care so much for you, I guess this is just the way Ms will go, I just am not in love with you"; "the A is over, we're just friends now. Why can't we be friends Deep? Why can't you be adult about this?; "What I did was morally, ethically wrong, in the eyes of society, but I did it for me, and it was not wrong for me".
You get the drift. It was maddening to detach, cautiously think about reconnecting, get slapped, rinse and repeat.
And yes the contact was intact in my sitch too, OM was her client. We needed the $ too (ok to be brutally honest, it could have been more of want than need), her career meant the world to her, and I was weak or understanding, depending on your point of view.
It's conventional wisdom that WAS need to mourn the loss of the A, suffer the withdrawal, come to terms with the devastation of giving up their emotional focal point. Put yourself in their shoes, and give them the benefit of having some honor and integrity in wanting to come back to the M - still, how are they going to do this while facing OP?
Difficult would be your most positive situation. How strong is your H, and what kind of person is OW? (yes, that's partly rhetorical). OM was definitely a predator and he very insidiously tugged at my W. It was a most unreal and painful experience watching my personal hellish version of "Alien Vs Predator", heck it took a LONG time before it was even "versus". And my W is simply one of the strongest, smartest persons I have ever known. The contact certainly did not help.
Keep doing good
Hi Deep, thanks so much for your thoughts... helpful as always. I know... I am walking a fine line with H talking about OW. On one hand, I think it really is helping him disengage to verbalize the negatives and come to terms with the very obvious red flags. But, I can't be seen as (I think Puppy used the analogy of the gay friend who just listens to all the R woes but they never think of in a romantic way). Today I was clear with H that we have to have limits to this and I will tell him where my limits are. H agreed. H was telling me that he and OW had some kind of argument today about him needing to communicate about work with another woman at work and H was clearly frustrated with her moods, yet again. I listened to the basic story line, said "Ok I've heard enough of that, I guess you've gotta sort that one out dont you?" End of discussion.
H has also made comments about what he did being wrong in eyes of society but didn't feel it was "wrong" for him at the time as it brought his issues forward. At least he does acknowledge it was wrong to me and I was a victim.
YOu asked how strong my H is and what kind of person OW is.... Prior to bomb, like your W I thought of my H as one of the smartest, wisest, men of character and integrity I have ever known. Typical story I've read often here... the last person you would have expected to have an A. OW is , from H's description, flighty, moody, self centred, fun, funny, adventurous, and extremely jealous. She is 23 and a recovering alcoholic and addict.
It appears H is getting very weary of the "soap opera" involved in being in a R with her. H has told me the sex with me is way better in every way. However, he can't seem to let go.... grrrrr...
Anyway, I think you are right that it will be difficult at best for some time and I need to find ways to keep my own boundaries and manage it.
On a positive note, I am going to chuckle about your "Alien vs. Predator" reference for a long time... thanks for that!
Feeling more positive today than yesterday. Thanks for the support!
Just a funny aside... I set a boundary quite some time ago that I don't do H's laundry, or any of the nice "wifely" things I used to do for him. Made it clear that until he is ready to commit and treat me with the love and respect a wife deserves, he will not get the priviledges of having a wife. At the time, H was quite surprised, but told me he "admired" my stand on that.
Well... his laundry has been piling, and piling, and piling... He has put some of his laundry in with mine, and I carefully remove it and put it in his pile. So, this morning, in frustration when he can find almost nothing to wear... he starts to say something, then says, rather helplessly "do you think you could just remind me tonight how to do the laundry myself?" hehehe... had to stop myself not to giggle out loud. "Oh sure, I'll give you instructions" I said.
Anyway, it's a new day. Feeling stronger again. Focusing again on reminding myself I am a FABULOUS and ATTRACTIVE woman! And, now I've added STRONG to my mantra.
Love the laundry moment RW and well done for fishing out the sneaky additions, I do know how hard it is to keep going but well done not only do you keep going but you do it with humour!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
thanks for that!
He has put some of his laundry in with mine, and I carefully remove it and put it in his pile. 
So, this morning, in frustration when he can find almost nothing to wear... he starts to say something, then says, rather helplessly "do you think you could just remind me tonight how to do the laundry myself?" hehehe... had to stop myself not to giggle out loud. "Oh sure, I'll give you instructions" I said.
