Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

I would say it's a good sign. But then as you said this may give you unfounded hope. I would look at it more of an interesting sign - there is a crack in the ceiling but it doesn't mean the roof is coming down.

As Saffie says, if the theory on going dark is to be believed (and there is no reason for me to think otherwise as I just started it yesterday!) then I think that you just wait this one out. He will miss you, that's human nature (even though I think on the surface my W won't miss me, I know deep down she will).

The more you move on and GAL the more annoyed he will become and the more stress it will put on their relationship. But at the end of the day, I see going dark as giving you time to sort yourself out so that when the WAS comes to you with their final decision in 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years, either the Big D or reconciliation, you can deal with either of them calmly and rationally.

Saffie - just bought both of those books from Amazon ...

I still dont think GALing or anything I do is of interest to him. HE overheard a phone conversation about a group I joined that goes to events etc --I was RSVPing to a Comedy Club night and another event at a bar with music. He asked about what restaurants/bars have music. (He enjoys listening to live music) Not interested in what I was doing.

Well, I have tried to be dark but not succeeding very well. (o phone calls or text though--he contacts me if he needs to--very infrequently) Spent the day at his mother's (Grandpa died 2 weeks ago and she is all confused about finances and grandpa never threw out a shred of paper) So because I love her like my own mother I went down with H to help sort through reams of paper and organize office and finances. Friendly and light with H until end of ride home when I asked him about Thanksgiving which we are all going to for his mother's sake. After our C with DB C --H was on a kick to "be honest" with the kids and wanted to talk to our 25 year old daughter when she gets in from the South for the holiday. She had a awful week with her significant other literally cheating on her (too similar to her father for comfort) and has been in a terrible place then got very sick. Wanting to be sure she didnt get a dose of his 12 year old teen mentality, I casually asked what he was so gung ho to talk to her about as she was in a tender place. H

Oops hit submit too early

H told me he was going to announce at Thanksgiving that it was his fault the children were mad at him, that he had been cheating with "someone else"--course wont name her. Now, this would be at a holiday event with 25 people and his mother who is grieving her H's death. This was so our kids will not keep getting talked to by their grandma about not being mad at their dad as she says "they dont know what when on behind closed doors in their parents relationship" HE HAS LOST HIS Frigging mind! It is an episode out of a Maury Povich show. I think I have convinced him not to but my mouth is still hanging open.WHo ruins people's holidays with their drama?

This stuff at least helps me get closer to getting over him

Maybe we should start a lending library on books people found helpful too? Let me know P17 how Saffie's recommendations work out. I am still wading through some DB books and another one recommended about affairs.

So he knew you were going to a bar with music and then asked about what bars have music? That shows some interest to me.

Anyway, GALing is for you. It's also human nature for him to be interested. He make show you that he is not, but he is.


I would actually let him talk to your D and maybe he will get the full force of an angry D. Might make him think twice about what he is doing. You should stop trying to take care of him ... let him make his own mistakes and do what he wants to do.



He's wanting the 'woe is me' line - look at me I am so bad but I can stand up and admit it. The time for standing up and admitting what you have done is when you have seen the error of your ways and are fixing it. Then people will have respect for what you said and respect for what you are doing. When you are still in the middle of the mess and continue wade through it by your own choice then people see you for what you are - somebody who is trying to get sympathy and attention.

Let him announce to the room about it - HE will be ruining the holiday not you. HE is not your responsibility. HE is a grown man.

The more you try and fix / save him the more he will rebel. He will also stop making stupid mistakes such as the ones above and will never get to hear what people really think of him and what he has done.

Books have been despatched so will likely get them early next week. Will book a session in the bath with them and let you know how I get on

Reading the advice here always makes me see the other side. It is amazing how we can spin something in our head so what we want doesnt appear to be "fixing/Saving". But, the bot

bottom line is I dont want a big scene on Thanksgiving for me or my kids. Mostly for me. I would like to go and spend time with his family--the only family I have as I am the only child of an only child. This first holiday is incredibly rough for me and I expect Christmas will be worse. So do I lose by not lettng him make an ass out of himself or do I enjoy my last holiday altogether with my kids?

The DB C told me one of the things he wanted IF he were to consider coming back is to just feel comfortable around me--said I try to make toO much small talk, also doesnt know how he will get over the guilt (she said change your behavior!) and of course he doesnt have any spark or feelings for me like for the Ow. But he also told her he thought he had made the decision and now everything feels worse.

Does anyone on the board including Saffie who has been through an affair know if this is typical behavior or a really bad sign: After the C where she suggested he had a choice to give up the A, he tried to "back the Ow off"--not NC, just I think no sex and maybe a little less contact. THis apparently hasnt worked at all as he saw her more last week than in previous weeks. THe C said the A is an addiction and also any attempts to slow it down will result in more contact from OW but this contact is also coming from H too. (I know this is not too healthy but after C session I felt the need to know the truth so I went by his apartment around their work schedule of some later morning starts and some early afternoon end times(he is so dumb he doesnt think I know where he lives and she parks her car right out in front). She was there in the am and pm on 4 of the 4 available days.

Surprisingly, though it bothers me this info also gives me strength to not get too excited about small changes and to go on with my life. There is a certain sense of self empowerment when you know you are no longer falling for their lies over and over again.

I would also like some advice from the pros as to how to "thought stop" and get your mind off repeating conversations at those times when you cant get out and GAL. Ive been stripping wallpaper and I cant stop my mind and negative thoughts. Any ideas that worked?

This board is a Godsend just to know others are hurting and healing too.

benotafraid,

My mind was my worse enemy-even once reconciliation had taken place. I kept having imaginary conversations......and it was worse when I was doing solitary repetetive things where my mind could wander. I took to doing sudoku; the harder the puzzle the harder I had to concentrate and it took my full concentration. That was the only way I could break the cycle. I would wake up in the middle of the night and do them too.

Re OW, maybe your H is grasping at her as he really knows she is something he should not have. He is obviously NOT comfortable with what he is doing even if he thinks OW is the path he wants. Something inside him is making him uncomfortable.

The wanting to unburden himself at TG to me smacks of 'hair shirt' mentality. Maybe he believes that if he tells everyone about it he will get uproar and somehow he needs the negative feedback. Maybe he thinks it will cleanse him in some way OR it might just help sway his decision making process. Maybe, just maybe, he is wanting the whole family to show him how much they value him and that they don't want him to be involved with OW, and then he has a good excuse to go back and tell her he can't follow through. Whatever his motive, (and I suspect he doesn't even know what it is), it will be a way of him testing the waters with his extended family.

I know you don't want a scene and you want to have as happy a last family gathering as possible, but perhaps you should let him do what he thinks he needs to do. I can only see it as a win situation for you. You are not the one causing this situation and disharmony - he is. He is the one who will suffer from this the most....and then again at Christmas. He wants to be heard it seems. After being silent and hiding things for so long why not let him be heard. Generally it is the making public of an A that kills it.

I must agree with Saffie here too. If the situation were mine, I would be tempted to expose my H's affair at Thanksgiving against his wishes. Since it is his idea, I would just ask him to tell people when I'm not around, as I think I would be terribly embarrassed to be in the room when such an announcement is made. I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't do it even if he plans to.

What you both say is very interesting. After recently experiencing how clueless my H is about how other people will respond==ie when he was utterly shocked that our adult children would be mad at him--I am finding it hard to believe he has any real thought as to the consequences of his words. My best guess is the C told him he had to be honest with the kids to diffuse some of their anger and he thinks this is the way to do it and then everything will be fine with the kids. Remember he is not intending on "outing" who the OW is as his mother likes her very much at the office and would be shocked.

Also, his family is the type that will gather the wagons round him as in their eyes family can do no wrong and his older sister did a similar thing about 27 years ago and left her H for a neighbor whom she married and then divorced about 17 years later too. His mother initially took first H side in A but then said she was wrong to do that. The interesting thing in the mix is my kids--grandma and family has never had to deal with adult children who dont have to come to holidays if they disapprove or OW is there next year.

I have a DB phone consult tommorrow with same C we met with in person. I am going to bounce this off her too. I have some time to decide. H has already said he would honor his word to me not to say anything but I can talk to him when he comes over to see our daughter in from Atlanta. Maybe I can have a nice TS day and leave early before he makes his announcement. Kids could stay a make sure he tells the truth--which will be hard for him.

How did the DB consult go?