Ok so my new title is loosely based on the postive encouragement found in a well-respected relationship book I read this weekend. [Ok actually it was "He's Just Not That Into You!]
Anyway I have been posting in Newbies trying to wake some of the young-uns up so they don't take as long as I did to get it together.
To save the rewrite, here is my latest update:
You guys have no idea how much it means to me to hear your words of support and appreciation. It is so uplifting!
Just so you don't think I am suddenly all sunshine and roses, I will continue to share the reality of the situation...
Last night I got home from girls' weekend. My H had cleaned the house, esp. the messy toy room (he stayed at my house with the kids since he lives with his parents).
He had also hung all the Christmas lights on the roof. (H: I know you said you were going to hire someone, but I was here...)
Now, newbie BBJ would have thought, "He is doing things around the house! He must want to come home...he is speaking his love language, acts of service!"
And honestly that crossed my mind for about 10 seconds. Then new (original?) BBJ piped in. "He is feeling guilty b/c he doesn't want you anymore"...
Either way I thanked him and he went on his way.
Remember, I forwarded him the email about the lawyers wanting to serve him this week?
He texted (seriously, texted??--insert eye-rolling smiley here since they don't have one!) at 10:30:
Well you don't need to serve me. I found a notary and will get it done tomorrow. I wish I could get back what I need to, to make it work and it frustrates the sh!t out me but I'm scared to death to try anymore or of what may happen. I truly am happy so happy 'you' are back. Its better for you and everyone you know and nurture. I replied a little later, "Thank you for your honesty. I want a marriage where the one I love, loves me back. I know I will have that again, it just won't be with you".
Truth? I cried. A lot. Death of a dream and all that. But only for 15 minutes or so.
Because I know something I didn't know before. I am going to be okay. Better than okay. Because, now I know. And that is freeing, too. I am free to let someone, someday, love me with a great love that H was incapable/unwilling (doesn't really matter which) to give.
And of all things, I credit the cheesiest book for helping me bounce back. "He's Just Not That Into You". Yep. Bought it this weekend since it is a pretty 'light' read.
But it helped me see it. If he was really 'into' (committed, dedicated, etc.) me, he wouldn't have to keep trying to convince himself to have feelings for me. And I don't want a husband who has to 'sell' himself on the idea of loving me. No thank you. So even though it hurts, it hurt a little less. Because I spared myself the pain of trying to figure out why, or what happened, or dissecting his message to see if there was some hidden clue about how we were really going to get back together in there.
Bottom line, he is not 'all in'. Not even 'mostly in'. And so the details don't really matter.
Some lucky man out there just breathed a sigh of relief to know that when we finally do meet, I will be available.
OK, so back to last night. I was sad, but I accepted. I didn't 'rage against the dying of the light'. I just got in bed and prayed, "God, please hold me tonight because I need You." And I slept. Soundly.
Like the new title and your perspective. I know once I found the courage to look reality in the eye and begin dealing with it, instead of living in my "never neverland" where I was stuck in the false hope that my WAS would one day wake up and come running home begging for my forgiveness, the entire situation became much clearer and easier to handle.
Bbj, I am happy you take things with bravery (?) and seem to still hold it together. To be honest, when i read your latest posts, I het a knot in my stomach thinking you are dealing with things the way I SHOULD be dealing with mine but dont. K
PS BBJ=Big bj as me and Kerry (both gutter frequent minds) thought...
<<If he was really 'into' (committed, dedicated, etc.) me, he wouldn't have to keep trying to convince himself to have feelings for me. And I don't want a husband who has to 'sell' himself on the idea of loving me. No thank you.>>
Agree 100% and don't forget actions speak louder than words....we could ALL take a lesson from what you wrote above.
In his defence, if it is not there it is not there. He may be dragging his feet but he is not playing games...from what you have written recently. That also helps us to move on....
I agree. He is (finally) being honest. I think a lot of this stems from his inability to handle 'falling out of love' with me from time to time. His affairs both happened after we had a baby and I was seen as a mother not a lover. Sad thing is there are other ways to handle that, than to have an affair and transfer feelings to someone else.
The part that gets me though is, we have had some amazing times. And times when he could not keep his hands off of me. Lots, lots, lots of them. He had even told our last MC that sex was not a problem for us, it was the other issues...
So it hurts, obv. to hear him say he has no desire for me, is not remotely sexually atrracted to me, etc. Because he was. So I believe he could be again. But that is not something I want to have to coerce from a man.
He admitted that the reason he hadn't signed the forms this past 8 weeks was, he was 'hoping those feelings would come back'.
Well, hope and $3.80 will get me a grande eggnog latte at Starbucks...
I guess I am just profoundly disappointed that he would string me along (somewhat) these past few months (again) when in his heart he knew he couldn't be the husband I deserve. But at least now I know. And some cartoon (GI-Joe) used to say, "Knowing is half the battle."
I know how you feel girl. It's like REJECTION city that makes no sense. Accept my H seems to have no problem desiring me sexually which sucks also because that means he's just been screwing me for the past year.
They make no sense at all. My H signed the papers today when we met at the lawyers office... didn't even bother to read them... just signed.... That hurt....
If there was a McDonald's of Divorce my husband would be at the drive-thru!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
