Today WAS has changed tactics. The anger has been suppressed and she's instead engaged in phony and/or exaggerated "niceness". I'd almost prefer the anger!
She's obviously trying to manipulate you, so there's no reason to treat her any different. Polite, calm detachment.
Trent, to what end or for what purpose does a WAS try to manipulate? What's the point? She's already announced that she wants out.
D&B,
They do this to "normalize" things, to make their walkaway fantasy all fit into Happily-Ever-After Land.
Hi Sandi. I'm 46. WAS is 37. Married 13 years, together 14. Three children: S12, S10, D8. I've read one of your posts from a while ago that refers to the "love bank" illustration. It was bang on. I fear that I neglected WAS over the years. I ignored or declined to do the smallest things that would make her happy. As an example, she would always ask for a Christmas letter. Some years I would comply, other years I wouldn't bother. I was, to put it bluntly, selfish. This year is the first year, after 11 years at our current house, that I put up Christmas lights (one of my 180's) - the decorations and celebration was something that was very important to her. I wondered whether my doing this yesterday was one of the triggers for her anger (she has periodically referred to why I couldn't have made these changes before). My profession (attorney) seems to have made her very suspicious as she continually refers to my alleged ulterior motives and questions whether I intend to try to "squash" her. She regards any positive changes (i.e. reduced alcohol consumption, better anger management) in an extremely suspicious manner.
The following words (as recorded in my Journal) are what she used to describe her EA/PA after I learned of it. They speak volumes:
"He understood me. He believed in me He had my back. He was my friend. He cared about me. He got me. He appreciated me."
I wondered whether my doing this yesterday was one of the triggers for her anger (she has periodically referred to why I couldn't have made these changes before)
Yes she will be angry at you for suddenly jumping on the things that she wanted so despartly in years past and you just let it slide. She is emotionally done with the M and has no desire, interest, or energy left to give to it. She feels all used up in that department b/c of the years she had to do it without you.
That is one reason you must do things for you and the kids and not to make her happy. You can't make her happy and when you fix your mind on that fact, you'll be better. It's too late to try to make her happy, okay? Make you a list of goals about what kind of dad you want to be for your kids, and what kind of man you want to be at home, work, and with others. Start today in becoming better. You can't reach goals over-night, but you can start today working to get there.
Stop be available to your wife. I know that sounds opposite of what you think you need to be doing, but you have to be unavailable in order to have any chance of her ever being attracted to you again. She doesn't want you now and the more you try to be around her, the more she will feel that you are sucking up her air. I realize this is blunt but I'm telling you like it is. She doesn't feel in-love with you so don't purue her trying to make her feel that in-love emotion....it doesn't work that way. Almost everything a LBH does is seen a pursuing to the WAW. That is why you have to detach from her and focus on you & kids. Be polite and casual to her as if she were your secretary or somebody you'd meet shopping in the store. Keep it like a professional R. Sure it will be hard, but if you want to get this on the right track....that is where you begin.
Holidays are going to be tough, so gear up. You will have to find your private places & times to let out your emotions b/c you do not need to do it in front of her or the kids. Come here to vent and seek support but not from friends & family. If you reconcile, then that could be a sore spot with your W (that you discussed R with friends/family).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wondered whether my doing this yesterday was one of the triggers for her anger (she has periodically referred to why I couldn't have made these changes before)
Yes she will be angry at you for suddenly jumping on the things that she wanted so despartly in years past and you just let it slide. She is emotionally done with the M and has no desire, interest, or energy left to give to it. She feels all used up in that department b/c of the years she had to do it without you.
Thanks, Sandi. This observation is consistent with comments she has made repeatedly over the past four months (I haven't, until recently, been very good at avoiding R discussions!). She has repeated stated that she is hurt and angry. Angry because I should have noticed the problems and addressed them prior. She doesn’t want D8 to see this type of relationship. She isn’t happy. She deserves to be loved and cherished. That she has so much to give. She added that "I wouldn't have got here if I thought I had a choice"
She said “if I were to stay it would just go back like the way it was before.” Yet she has also commented (a week or so ago) to the effect that, who knows, perhaps if I change and she changes we will end up together after a period of time.
The other thing I should confess is that I have been somewhat preoccupied with the EA/PA. I am now resolved to avoiding the topic. However, as recently as this month I raised it again and asserted that the EA/PA was going on while we were married. I said a guy doesn't repeatedly get to professions of love by kissing a few times. This made WAS very angry. She interprets these comments as my calling her a whore.
She interprets these comments as my calling her a whore.
She's trying to get you to apologize for calling it like you see it! She's feeling guilty. It's her problem how she feels. Let her deal with it. But as long as she thinks she can somehow twist the conversation around until you find yourself feeling sorry for her...then that is what she'll do. Beware and be strong.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This other stuff she's saying to you about D8, etc. is "script" for WAW's. She didn't just think this up, WAW's have been saying it for generations.
I understand how you are angry at not seeing things before now, but what has past is past and you can't undo it. Just make sure you don't get lazy in the future and let things slip through your fingers. You never reach a point that you can stop working in your M.....if you want a good one. That is what my grandmother told me on her 60th wedding anniversary! I think she was very wise.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yesterday WAS saw IC. On way home she telephoned to say that she wanted to speak. When I arrived home (I work 2 minutes away) and sat down she immediately began to cry. Said she had to apologize for her harsh words of the other night. She said that when sees me doing these things (Christmas decorations) she becomes so angry because she didn’t have it for so many years. She said that her IC suggested that it would be a good idea for her to talk about things with me.
I accepted apology but added I wasn’t interested in having relationship discussions. I advised that I was quite prepared for divorce and expected same. However, given her comments (she told IC that perhaps we would get back together after a couple of years) I felt it appropriate to refer back to my earlier advice that I was prepared to work on the M. I suggested we defer Monday’s meeting with lawyers until early January and in the interim see her IC (I really hope it wasn't interpreted as pursuit). She declined. She expressed belief that if we were to ever get back together she needed time away to heal. She also referred to what people would think if she was seen as delaying!
Any positive feelings dissipated in the evening. She had a couple of friends over and they ended up FB Instant messaging with an OM (not the EA/PA dude....that's apparently over) whose FB photos she has been mooning over of late. That, by the way, is how I first began to suspect something might be up with the personal trainer - she would linger over his FB photos.
The thought did cross my mind that her apology was an attempt to manipulate. In particular, she's often referred to her desire to get out of the house and on with her life as soon as possible. If she believes that I "pine" for the marriage, what better way to accomplish her objective than to hold out some hope but claim she needs time apart?
I went out on a date last night. WAS seemed to suspect this was the case. This seems to bother her. As I was getting ready she came in and said, somewhat sarcastically, “you look spiffy”. She then proceeded to say that what I was doing was “cheesy”. I reminded her that I had never asked anyone on a date until she told me there was no potential whatsoever for reconciliation. She denied.
This morning WAS came into room. She said there’s something she wanted to say in advance of tomorrow’s meeting with lawyers. She said that she loved me and had given it her all but that I didn’t treat her well (I regard part of this as true and part as rewriting history....we both tended to be unkind to one another). She didn’t get into the OM issue but said she had been loyal. I observed that she gave up on marriage. She referred to needing to close this door. She said that if she stayed it wouldn’t be long until I referred to the legal costs incurred as a result of her decision (to date I estimate we have collectively spent $40,000 and very little has happened) or to OM (I confess to having problems keeping my cracks to myself about how quickly she ended up in the arms of OM professing her love). She seems to think that I’m not accepting responsibility. I advised that she makes it easy as I’m not prepared to remain in marriage with someone who gave up and isn’t prepared to work.
