Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy WAW on suicide watch, what now???

I found that when I first started to exercise I also felt incredibly upset and teary. Apparently that is natural too if we are not used to doing these things for ourselves. I felt very guilty about it too.

The gym is one of the best places I've found to get the mind off of the situation.



I'm finding the loneliness the hardest part to cope with too. I wish I could give you a magic formula to make it better but I don't think there is one. I work from home which makes things a whole lot worse. I try and get out more even if it's just for a few hours to visit a friend for a coffee. The only thing that keeps me going through that is the knowledge that it will get easier.

P17,
I eventually got over the first A but it took time and I did it all on my own, no C, no books, just 1 friend who knew. I found that running was better than working out because the rush of adrenaline was not as intense and did not anger me as lifting weights did.
I know my M as I knew it is over, but I am not done being married to my W. I now try to think back to when we first met and we were both involved with other people when we discovered the attraction to each other. I ended the R I was in immediately however she stayed in hers for about 3 more months after which we started dating but not exclusively at least for her. She had just gotten out of a R and did not want to jump into another right away and so she dated me and others. I remember having patience then but at least we were going on dates and when we were together we were happy. It only took 2 months and that was it we were exclusive to each other. I have to look at the current sitch with her now in a similar fashion. I have to be patient but with limited contact (kid exchange), and knowledge that she wants to end the M. I know patience is the key thing here and I have to GAL. The hard part is that I have the kids and 99% of the responsibility. She is free to do whatever the h*ll she wants and she did just that. We will see what happens when she gets out of the hospital, but I cannot check up, spy or otherwise inquire, just detatch and GAL and move on. I find the difficult times for me are when I am doing things that she normally did, especially cooking dinner. That is a bad time for me b/c I am not that good at it and she was/is great at it. That is the loneliness for me and at times can cause stress.

I am trying to get out more but I have tons of friends that have been great and my W and I were the social center of the neighborhood but I find it hard to be around them in a social setting b/c it is all couples which is a reminder of my sitch. All of our friends think that my W has flipped her lid, which IMHO she has, thus the MLC / WAW thing. I am trying to meet more single people with whom I can socialize only not trying to have a R. I take it a day at a time, if I think to far into the future I start to get down.

I have read your sitch thread and wanted to ask some things of you, I will post on your thread.

Thanks for the post, its good to know that you are not alone and there are others going through exactly what you are going through.

My heart goes out to you and your children.

I don't know that I would push your D13 any more though. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they automatically deserve their child's respect. They just don't!

Thanks for the sympathy Kimmie, I wrestle with what has happened and what my D13 knows about her mother, and what I could have done to sheild her more. I am not going to push her but I can see it starting to manifest itself in her behavior especially towards my S9. I have to give my D13 time just as I need to give my W time. I hope and pray that our family will heal one day.


I have the said the same thing to my W, when I backslide one time, it was via text but as a reaction to her lie to my D13 when she told D13 that she would stop seeing OM and never stopped.
I think that my W finally cracked when OM's W caught them in the act. I think the false reality my W created came crashing down and she might have realized what a mess she has made.

The key thing here I think it detachment. It is incredibly hard to do and I feel I am only now getting a chance to do it but my sitch has turned very sour and I think it's actually hatred and anger that is coming out rather than detachment.

However, what did help me is this article - http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Detachment is not about giving up, it's about being loving and caring but also realising that the WAS can't be fixed by us and that they must fix themselves.



I hear you absolutely. The TV program that you both used to watch, the advert that you used to see and laugh at, books, places, a few words you overhear, even the phone ringtone. I don't think you will ever be able to hear those things and not think of the WAS. I think you will just get to a stage where you can handle it.

With regards to cooking - get a few cooking books. I used to love to cook before WAW left. Have cooked maybe twice in those four months. But at least for you, you can learn how to do it.



Although I was indecisive, this forum has been a godsend to me. I really don't know what I would have done without it.

You are very smart to be making plans to stay busy during the holidays. It seems to be a time that is somewhat depressing to some folks even if they do not face what you are dealing with at the moment. When or if you feel yourself sinking, do whatever it takes to get you through to the next day. You can do it. You are getting to a good start now.

Have been busy all morning since about 7 am, cleaning the house, My Dad and his W #3(married 20 years) are arriving late tonight to spend the long weekend with me and the kids. I always like to have a clean house for guests. I actually like to clean and it is part of my GAL or more over being true to myself. Before I met my W, you could say I was a neat freak or a little anal about keeping my apartment(at the time) straight and clean. My W on the other hand was the complete opposite of me in this regard, poor organization skills, never put things away, and was/is a rampant pack rat. I knew this going into the R, but Love is Blind and Opposites do attract.

While cleaning today before we go over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner I started to get down b/c I was actually missing my W, even though this was one of our major problems. Actually it was my problem and in the past I would get angry and withdraw, not talk or sorta slam things around to let W , D13, S9 know that I was upset b/c I felt like I was doing all the work. I actually was doing all the work, no lie, hard to believe that the H was the cleaner in the house.

The reason I started to think of her is from reading a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Great book for those M not in crisis or headed for D but just need to make a poor marriage better or a good marriage great. It Christian based and quotes scripture on every page. In short this book outlines that we should compliment our spouses for their/our shortfalls. For my W she did not and could not keep a clean, unclutter house, I on the other hand was exceptional at it. It was not in my W's nature and therefore she wasn't the best person in the R to do it. She on the otherhand brought other qualities to the R that I did not excel at such as cooking. What I realized too late is that I should actually be happy that I am the one doing the house keeping work in the R and appreciate what she does/did best in R.

This was such a point of contention in our M and I would say a major contributor to our downfall. Everyone recognized that I did way more in this area of keeping the house in her family and my family. My W somehow inherited the trait from her Mother who also does not keep a very straight home. What is ironic is that I used to look down upon my MIL and my favorite family member on my W's side was her aunt (father's sister). My W's aunt and I used to talk at length how I carried more than my fair share of the house keeping duties, it was theraputic for me to talk to her, I did/do love her aunt. Now my W's aunt hates me and her MIL loves and supports me. What I now realize is that instead of talking poorly about my W, I should have pointed out her strong points that she brought to the M and recognize and embrace the balance.

Back to my point of thinking about and missing my W. If I could turn back the hands of time I could've handle things differently. I could've actually shown her love instead of resentment for something I was naturally good at and she was naturally not that good at. I know it is not healthy to live in the past, I can not help but think that if we ever get back together this would no longer be an issue between us just b/c a change in how a view the responsibility now.

Just venting here, not going to do anything stupid like try to contact her and sell her on this point or any of her family. I will be with friends in a little bit and the feeling will pass. I know I will feel better coming back to a clean house b/c that is what I like, not b/c I did it to compliment my W. I think that is GAL or at least finding me again and doing things that make me happy.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

People who were brought up in a clean, organized home is very frustrated when their M home is cluttered. I think it carries over into their other areas of life and they feel like something is out of control when the house is like that. Your W was probably not taught how to clean house on a daily basis. Or she may know how to clean, but doesn't know how to keep it that way. I understand what you are saying and I have been guilty of doing the same thing when I see some women's lack of organization skills. OTOH, it really doesn't mean they are a bad person or anything like that.....most just don't have their priorities straight, don't know how, and there are a few who really just don't care.

I had to laugh about your way of letting your W & kids know you were not happy about having to do the house work. I'll bet they did nothing but maybe glance over at the loud noise you made slamming the stuff around. Funny how that is. BTW, are you taking time to train your kids how to keep their rooms neat? They won't do it if you don't follow up on them.

Sandi,
It is really funny that you mention about my kids learning from me or from their mother. I would think that it is a conditioned thing but but sometimes I wonder if it is not genetic. I pretty much gave up on trying to keep the house straight to my standard once the kids were born. It was just too much, sometimes I felt like I was living in squaller. My D13 one day just started keeping her room clean and my S9 is nowhere near that, I hope that one day he will adapt.
When all this crap started in July and my W and I were still talking about our R, we both agreed that my D13 was turning into me and S9 was turning into her. D13 already has an anger management issue and knows it, I hope to use that as an excuse to get her to get into professional counseling. Right now her school counselor is her shoulder and confidant. My S9 is turning into my W, probably already developing a codependency thing. We will all need some major work.

Dad and wife will be here any minute, a little nervous b/c they will want me to say that it is over for good and move on and give up. They just don't understand commitment and forgiveness. I would say most people don't. I will pick up the rest later tonight.

My Dad and his Wife made it in last night late, let the kids stay up to see them and got them to bed right away. Of course, Dad and his Wife wanted to know the latest, his wife was the most interested and seemed I was talking to her the whole time as my Dad was falling asleep on the couch. Sometimes, I feel more comfortable talking to a woman about my sitch rather than a man,not sure why. We stayed up until 2am bringing them up to speed on everything. I was really nervous that they would be telling me over and over again to move on, as in give up. I was really surprised when my Dad's W asked me "What would you do if my W came crawling back right now?" As if that were an option for me in her mind for me. I am not sure but maybe they or at least my Dad's W is starting to admire me for my dedication to my W.

I did respond to her question of "what would I do if?" b/c I have thought about, not obssessed about it. My thoughts are that I would tell my W to go back to her house for 3 days and think about why she wants to come back, write them down and then if she still wanted to come back and try I would be willing to try also but that it would take a long time and we would have to remain separated the entire time. I know this is purely hypothetical but one thing I learned in Anger Management is that I need to plan a response for sitch's that might make me angry or upset. I think the same principal can be applied to DBing. Who knows what is going to happen when my W gets out of the hospital. It is a possibility but I think unlikely, more likely the NC on both sides will continue when she returns and I am ready for that.

I actually want it but I know it is going to be difficult on my S9. He asked me yesterday if Mom was going to be here for Christmas? I told him that "I don't know", I know that is killing him and it breaks my heart. Later in the evening after we returned home, I could tell my S9 was down, I knew he probably wanted to talk to his Mom. I wanted him to feel better so I texted her and "said S9 really wants to talk to you, if you call he will answer." She called and S9 talked with her for about 5 minutes. S9 felt better after and my concern was with him. Now I wonder if that was a mistake to reach out to her to initiate contact with our S9. I don't think that I should have to help maintain the R between my W and S9 even if she is in the hospital. I was doing it for him but I know I am still providing a safety net for her and she is getting what she wants w/o even asking. I guess I lost a little power last night. BTW according to my S9 she was at SIL's house for Thanksgiving but was returning to hospital today. Not that I care and I don't but I am starting to realize that I can not believe anything she says to me or anyone else. For all I know she is back in town but again I don't care and it does not matter. I really am feeling the detatchment take place, I am able to think more clearly about priorities for me and the kids. I know am still going to have low points but hopefully they will be further and farther in between.