Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why can't I just do it!?

@CTH Hmmm....very good point.
I read the last few pages of your story over in Newcomers-- very interesting. And REALLY interesting advice from Sandi!

Both my H and I suffer from an immature thing which is "It's not MY fault". For instance, the other night when we finally succumb to temptation, the next day it was all about how the other one tricked us or used their wiley ways or teased too much. Normally, though, I am actually pretty good about taking responsibility (almost too good) but when it comes to the marriage/getting divorce, I don't want it to be 'my fault'. I don't want to be the one that filed (even if it is the only way out of limbo) because *I* am NOT the one that wants a divorce.
So somehow, I need to reframe it in a way that I can okay with doing the very thing I don't believe in.

@OTMT are you saying that you love your wife but you're not IN love with her? If you are the least bit Judeo/Christian, you might want to pick up the Love Dare and try it on your wife. The movie Fireproof might also be good to watch prior to doing the Love Dare. You have SO many young children, I REALLY hope you'll be able to find a way out of confusion and into a fully loving marriage.
I was reading a book last night called something like "Misunderstood God" (about how God loves us) and the author was talking about when he was 6 1/2 years old and the day he saw his dad drive away to go start a new life with the mistress he had met at work. The young boy was crying out and trying everything to get his dad's attention, but the dad turned the other way and drove off down the street. (It's WAY more powerful how the author wrote it.) ANYway-- the point was that for 20 years the author carried this pain with him. So I truly hope for your kids sakes (and for your own hearts) that you can find the solution.

...but then I think about this quote from "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" (thanks to BBJ for recommending the Behrendt books)-- Quote-- The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together and said , "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." <snip> Anyone who asseses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears. --endquote--

From a distance my head says "YEAH!! Get out of here you rat bastard!!" but up close and personal and my heart says "no no no! Don't go!"

Yuck.
But it is time for SOMEthing different to happen. And (as was pointed out by, was it Couch or GIMA?) there are two choices- put the marriage back together or take it apart. The third choice of sitting still has not an option any more. Besides, isn't sitting in limboland almost the same as taking the marriage apart? Only passively?

I feel a lot like you. I didn't want the divorce so I don't want to be the one who files. But it appears as if W hasn't saved a dime to do the deed.

The "third choice" -- limboland -- is a lousy place to be and I keep mentally getting ready to move forward and file and then a little voice in the back of my head -- perhaps it's Dottie the DB coach or just my heart -- that says, 'you know, eight months isn't that long. If it's worth saving, perhaps it's worth waiting a little longer.'

Hi Trixie.. wow, I cant believe the latest.. I agree with the above person, I was following along then thinking yes, finally you have some power and you are making him think, making him feel the true weight of his decision (that he has left physically if not quite mentally).. and then, bit by bit, he reeled you back in and then... backed off again.

It would be interesting to see what happened if you REALLY followed through on being done, even if you dont quite file, if you see what I mean If you had said, ok, I give up exepcting you to come back, you are off the hook.. and then DIDNT HANG OUT WITH HIM OR ML !!! Do you think you could try that as an interim measure instead of filing? You must see that you are prolonging the limbo by giving him this control and letting him pick you up and drop you?

He said himself, he is most afraid of losing you.. well he hasnt yet has he? How would he react if you didnt let him reel you back in until you see the veil lift from his eyes? Its true what they say, you know when they have 'turned' because that closed, guarded look drops from their eyes and they are back in the room...

Al xx

No one ever has a right to talk you out of being done or telling you to be done. It is up to you. If you really want to move on then do it.

But there may be a reason why you can't hit send.

This is my first time posting to you, dear, but I have to share my perspective. Limboland sucks. Right out loud, and it is tough to go through, for sure. But, and I admit I'm not completely up on your sitch, what is the hurry?

Sitting still is sometimes exactly what you need to do in terms of a relationship. That doesn't mean the rest of your life stops. You GAL, you set goals, you do and experience and grow.

Concentrate on your own growth, on letting go, on avoiding expectations. If you don't want to get D, then you don't file. Does that come with consequences? You bet. But you have the rest of your life. Why does everything have to be "solved" in this exact moment.

I've been here a long time, and that is just how I see it. Getting beyond the pain is hard, but you will never know what you are made of until you do.

If you really want to move on, do it. It won't be a struggle to hit send - if you are really sure.

Hi Trixi,
I can relate to being stuck in limbo with an H that doenst know what he wants. It took my H one year after he moved out and almost 2 years into an A to feel it wasnt working out with her. Then it took him another year to figure out as he says he "wants to be with me" and only after his lies and cheating and double life was exposed. We never went dark since we have 2 small kids but we did go a few months with limited contact while he was finally living his dream with her (I didnt know then, "knew" but wasnt told", she was kept a secret from nearly everyone, I think out of embarassement).
In June 2008 I was tired of limbo and felt as you, that something had to be done. He finally agreed to divorce and guess what? Nothing happened. I would have had to file, bring him the papers, pay for the costs, be aggressive about it to get it done. I was almost there, had met someone else that meant a lot to me, and could live life without him, no doubt. On the other hand, he didnt know how to live without me, just like you put it.

We are now piecing or trying to, very difficult to do, if you think limbo sucks, let me tell you, I dont compare it with reconnecting...

I think the need to do something when it becomes the need to do ANYTHING is the wrong motivation. I understand it, I lived it, I had to face the consequences.

I would suggest you relax, take the pressure off you, really detach, live as a divorced woman and when the times comes, I think you will have no second thoughts ending it. I think time is relevant thing. Dont get stuck on it. As long as you take advantage of time FOR you, it is not wasted.
Just my 2 cents
Stay strong my dear
K

Your H sounds a lot like mine in terms of not being able to stand behind his choice. He has doubts, he is not 100% sure done.

What a nice surprise to log in and find the comments- thanks

We never did talk over the weekend. He called me on Saturday to say "Our daughter needs food-- why don't you go get her, I'll meet you at your house and we'll do dinner and get her some groceries." So I called my DD and she said that she was going to a girlfriends to spend the night so she wasn't available. heh- and kept emphasizing she hadn't *asked* for food. Call H back to let him know the plan was off, and he said he would come over anyway. So, we had take-out and watched some great TV shows about the history of Seattle and then a couple of brain shows. Super interesting-- in fact, we both agree that he might need to "balance" his brain. He did try to talk me into ML and I said not until we have a chance to talk. So, see- I'm not a TOTAL pushover. LOL
I have a feeling, though, if I want to talk, I am going to have to be the one to initiate it and probably have an agenda in mind.

@Ali- yes, I too had thought I was finally taking the bull by the horns and making him face the consequences. Unfortunately, with the holidays and my stepson having MS and us both wanting to go to the appointments with the specialist...Oh, who am I kidding? Those are just 'reasons'. ...it's really because there is a certain chemistry between us and we still love each other. Just maybe not "enough".

@Wifey- Thanks for dropping in. I follow your story. It has been interesting to see how your love has softened your H.
The reason for my "hurry" is that it's been 2.5 years we've lived apart. I need to commit fully to buying my rental house if that is what I plan to do. AND, financially, it would be better for me. Well, not health insurance wise, but in other ways it would be better because then I could get my share of the assets and the 401k.
Heck, when we first started dating 15 years ago, we lived in the same apartment complex and within 8 months had started renting a house together. 2.5 years apart hasn't gotten any closer to being together. I guess I am tired.

@Kalni- did you see my latest beads in the alt? I just got an email that I can get a RT ticket to Athens for $762 in March. Cheap!! Too bad I can't spare the $$. I do think I will make it a goal to get over to Italy and Greece at some point in 2010. I feel it calling to me.
I have been following your story, too. (For a helluva long time!) And I see your struggle and frustration with your H.
I think that I feel like doing SOMETHING because I am not getting any younger. LOL I don't feel 'free' to explore other relationships because I am married- and besides, most quality men would probably avoid a woman that is only separated and hasn't at least filed.
OTOH, that didn't stop you from meeting a quality man, so now I have just confused myself.

H came over tonight.
Interesting comments-
We were sitting on the couch, sipping wine and he was rubbing my feet kinda looking at me funny, so I asked what he was thinking and he said "I was thinking that I am never gonna be rid of you, and you're never gonna be rid of me." I asked "how do you feel about that?" and he said "It both frustrates me and pleases me at the same time."

He said that he's kinda mad that he finally leaves and then I go and do a 180 and confuse him. (This has to do with me finding my 'voice'/who I am. One of my biggest concerns is losing my voice if I move back.) Anyway, I joked with him about how it was just awful that I confused him and clearly if I *really* loved him, I should have gotten just awful so that it would be 'easy' on him.
Again expressed concern "what if it doesn't last" but did add, that he knows that can be said of anything.

Said that he got really hurt in childhood; and even currently there are some extended family dysfunctions. But he knows that he is pushing everyone away and that hurts him; he has a hard time discerning who to trust and who to keep at arms length. Admits that he tries to come off all tough, but he is really too sensitive.

He wanted me to elaborate on what I think the big picture would be if we reconciled; I said that I didn't want to do that because it's should be something we negotiate so we're both getting our needs met and he said that since he can't picture it, he wanted to hear my vision.

So, where this will end up, I don't know. But I think that he is at least thinking..

Hiya Trix,



you missed the subtle point. that WAS negotiation. Sounds like he wants to "discuss" it, rather than calling it a "negotiation".

Next time you are comfy together, I think you should answer his question. But rather on the "what you think it SHOULD be like", rather than what it "will be like".
Lightly emphasize that the future of your marriage isnt some airyfairy nebulous "thing", that "just happens" with a life of its own: it is exactly what the two of you make it to be.
He's still missing that basic concept.
Skip any kind of guilt on him about it... just try to get that concept across to him, that if he wants it to be better, he has the power to MAKE it better.



I think he's being honest here: he would "negotiate", if he knew want he wanted to negotiate FOR. but he doesnt know. So.. paint a picture for him, that he can look forward to. Make the picture something that includes both your happiness, and his happiness insofar as you understand him.

Now isnt the time to stand back and let him do all the mental work. He has to have a vision of what to work FOR.

If you give him a vision of that, that he would want, and that he can feel is achievable by him... I think he would work for it. Most men will work for something, if they understand two things about it:

1. It is something they want
2. It is something they can completely achieve.

Take out the uncertainty factor. Show him, "if you do X, you WILL get Y".


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In my court... literally...: Final court hearing for divorce monday. After that, it'll be over.

My children dont even know about that bit yet. But just today, my son Robert was looking at a picture he drew of our family, and he got really sad. He talked to me about how sad he was about it, and how he misses our family being together.

Sigh. This just isnt right. But after 3 & 1/2 years, I've given up on trying to fix it. She's the only one who can do that, and she chooses not to.

Trixi,
I agree with Dom (sorry about your sitch Dom),
he was testing the waters, negotiating, putting his toes in the lake...

Keep it light and easy.No guilt, no conditions. NOT NOW. No "demands" at this phase. Just be your happy/confident self, dont let these talks get to you, "you are prepared and equiped to handle anything that will come your way", remember? You DO have something he wants. Wiggle it around his nose a bit...

If you have read the castle analogy, he has the left the castle, joined your picknick, and went back in again. Dont allow any jerk reactions etc scare him away. Easy does it dear.

In the early days of my DBing (AGES ago!!! LOL) I remember being told, that when you create second thoughts to them about their decisions, it's a small victory.
K

Dom!! Nice to see you. I am sorry to hear that your situation never turned around. And 'ugh' about the pain your son was expressing. Very sad.



In the words of Homer Simpson "D'oh!!" I missed a golden opportunity. I was stymied because I feel like I have been pandering to his needs for so long now that I didn't want to hit him with "Well, YOU will have to do XY &Z" and at the same time I didn't want to say "I will continue to attempt to meet your needs with no expectation that my needs be met." Yeah, there is probably a happy medium in there-- and I guess you said it with the "If you do X and you will get Y".

I get stuck because I know the underpinnings of the whole thing are based on commitment. And until he says he is committed, I don't have any idea what the big picture looks like. I sure as heck know what I DON'T want. Maybe I should tell him the big picture of what I want in my life/a relationship...? When I think of him specifically, have a hard time with the vision since he has not yet committed.




I feel like I am missing a crucial step. We've been doing this back and forth limbo dance for 2.5 years now-- when *can* I make a demand? When do we finally put our cards on the table and make some progress? I certainly don't want to scare him off now that he seems to be in the throws of really starting to think about the gravity of his choices- but on the other hand, I feel like if I don't start to pressure him, we will just slip back into the cake eating. He gets all the benefits of being married, loved and having a loyal wife, without the "burden" of being committed and actually being responsible towards meeting my needs.

.... I will say this. We are closer to being able to reconcile than previously, as far as house logistics. He and his roommate have already discussed him moving out by summer. He has cleaned the carpets (I was just sick when I saw the condition of the carpets in December.) Once I moved out, he started smoking in a couple of the rooms. (YUCK YUCK YUCK!). He has started taking Zyban and is quitting smoking on Sunday... I wonder if the Zyban is helping clear his head...hmmm.....

Last night as he was leaving he was saying how tired he was and he just wanted to go to bed . And then he said 'one good thing if we were back together is no more of this driving back and forth'...... hmmmmm.....