Hope you are well. Things have been progressing fairly well or so I thought until today. Just got back from 3 days of travel from work. My H was very thoughtful when he picked me up - he'd brought a cold drink for me. We had a good rest of the night together.
I still check phone records every couple of weeks. Today, I see that the friend called him on Monday. This is the first time (that I know of) that he's not told me about the call. I'll be home later tonight and then we're supposed to work on reviewing medical benefits for next year. I did mention to him today in an earlier phone call that I want to talk about getting the treadmill back.
So I'm going to wait and see if he tells me. If he doesn't - do I let him know I checked the phone records and I know she called Monday? I'm very disappointed that he hasn't told me about the call. Help I need your advice!
This is why I advise people to -- AHEAD OF TIME -- decide what their "strikes" are going to be. In a calm moment, absent of any conflict and definitely BEFORE IT HAPPENS, to decide if re-contact is:
- one strike and you're out? ("zero tolerance")
- one strike, but only if self-confessed?
- one strike, but if you don't confess it, if I ask you, you'd better tell me the truth?
- two strikes? three? Other??
This can only be if the two of you have AGREED on the no-contact, tho. I can't remember -- DID you?
There was never a no contact with a the drama with the suicide attempt. Now we still have the issue of getting the treadmill back.
I'm just taken back - he's been acting very jealous this week because I was traveling with two men. He was very attentitve and thoughtful when he picked me up. Then I see this today. He's always called and told me when she's contacted him. It was another 47 minute phone call on Monday and today is Thursday and I still haven't heard about it!
Just not sure how to handle this. We seemed to be making progress. I'm hoping he's going to tell me tonight. If not, I don't know if I want to get into the whole you're checking up on me again conversation. I do know that I want to set a boundary and get his agreement to that after we get the treadmill back there is NO more contact. It's just not going to work for me. If she calls him - I think he needs to not get caught in a 45 minute phone call and I'd like him to tell me right away. I don't want him to initiate any phone calls to her. I also think I'm going to ask to see the phone records from his business as proof that he's honoring the commitment (if I can get him to make it). If he refuses I'm going to tell him that my trust will not be able to be restored and our reconciliation will be stifled if not over.
Puppy - There was never a no contact with a the drama with the suicide attempt. Now we still have the issue of getting the treadmill back.
I'm just taken back - he's been acting very jealous this week because I was traveling with two men. He was very attentitve and thoughtful when he picked me up. Then I see this today. He's always called and told me when she's contacted him. It was another 47 minute phone call on Monday and today is Thursday and I still haven't heard about it!
Just not sure how to handle this. We seemed to be making progress. I'm hoping he's going to tell me tonight. If not, I don't know if I want to get into the whole you're checking up on me again conversation. I do know that I want to set a boundary and get his agreement to that after we get the treadmill back there is NO more contact. It's just not going to work for me. If she calls him - I think he needs to not get caught in a 45 minute phone call and I'd like him to tell me right away. I don't want him to initiate any phone calls to her. I also think I'm going to ask to see the phone records from his business as proof that he's honoring the commitment (if I can get him to make it). If he refuses I'm going to tell him that my trust will not be able to be restored and our reconciliation will be stifled if not over.
Puppy - well as usual somehow this always gets turned on me. So in talking about the treadmill I flat out asked him if he'd talked to her and he said no. He said because he knew I'd looked at the records. Just to tell him if I didn't trust him he thought we were past all this.
Apparently she called because she had a migraine - they had a court day and her H wouldn't give her a ride and she didn't know if she could drive herself there. Turns out she did drive herself but of course she ended up venting to him for 45 minutes.
At this point, I just think I don't care anymore. The proof will be when we get the treadmill back - supposedly there shouldn't be anymore contact. I don't think he's interested in her at all. I do think she just relies on him when she gets into a dilemna. It really just bugs me that he can't see my point of view.
Puppy - well as usual somehow this always gets turned on me. So in talking about the treadmill I flat out asked him if he'd talked to her and he said no. He said he told me no because he knew I'd looked at the records. He said just to tell him if I didn't trust him he thought we were past all this.
Apparently she called because she had a migraine - they had a court day and her H wouldn't give her a ride and she didn't know if she could drive herself there. Turns out she did drive herself but of course she ended up venting to him for 45 minutes.
At this point, I just think I don't care anymore. The proof will be when we get the treadmill back - supposedly there shouldn't be anymore contact. I don't think he's interested in her at all. I do think she just relies on him when she gets into a dilemna. It really just bugs me that he can't see my point of view.
Just going to take it one day at a time. He always turns this around into I thought we were past this, the issue of trusting him, blah blah blah. When I asked him why he didn't tell me Monday night when we were on the phone. He said he honestly forgot all about the phone call to him it was no big deal.
Am I stupid for just trying to move forward? We have been getting along for the most part enjoying each other's company. He acts like I'm making too big of deal out of this. Like he's angry that I don't trust him. So confused!
Puppy - well as usual somehow this always gets turned on me. So in talking about the treadmill I flat out asked him if he'd talked to her and he said no. He said he told me no because he knew I'd looked at the records.
So he lied to you ON PURPOSE, because he KNEW you'd be able to catch him in the lie? ??????????
If that's more important to him than working at -- and saving -- his own marriage, then that's pretty sad.
Yours has always been a very difficult sitch to advise upon, M. Because this relationship that your husband has with this other couple is so strange; so gray. You didn't really ever get an agreement for no-contact (or even an agreement that he would TELL you when there was contact), so there's not really anything you can call "foul" on here. And if he knows you're checking the phone records, then anything he WOULD do that would be inappropriate, he's not going to do from that phone, so it's not even a good source of intel.
Guess I'll save this one for my IC appt next week. I really think it stems from the fact that he doesn't think he did anything wrong - that he was just being a good friend. And I don't care what he says ("I don't have the need to save anybody") - it made him feel good - feel needed. And it allowed him to play the victim with me. Which is what she's really good at. Standing back and judging others and playing the victim.
It's so confusing because we've been getting along well. When he picked me up from the airport he didn't hide his jealousy over me traveling with two guys. He brought the diet soda for me which was very thoughtful.
Like I said the real proof I guess will be when we finally get the treadmill back and then supposedly there should be no reason for any contact. Unless of course he gets called as a witness when this divorce finally goes to court.
