Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New here, this is my story...

If I may just say a few things in the most gentle fashion possible...

Retaining an attny doesn't make things messy, it simply means you are protecting yourself when emotions are high and you might not be in the best frame of mind to make good choices. In fact, when both spouses retain an attny often times (pending one of the attnys is not a snake) it can actually help diffuse some of the difficulties of the situation as you BOTH know you are being protected along with the children. I can't advise you strongly enough to retain your own counsel and DO NOT waive your rights to legal counsel and have your W's attny take care of it all.

I live in NY and the divorce laws here are the most stringent in the country and its the ONLY state that has such laws. My attny is also a certified mediator however could not act as a mediator for H and I as he represented me. Of course, his skills as a mediator taught me so much as he and I prepared things. Here, when two spouses hire a mediator they MUST both have attnys. The mediator will help the two spouses reach an agreement then each spouse takes the agreement back to their individual attnys for review.

I know this hurts like hell and I am certainly not trying to add to your stress but I am speaking from experience and a 21 month legal battle that ends today (our legal separation papers are being filed as we speak along with our pending divorce case being dismissed).

As much as we want to think the best of our spouses don't you find it a bit curious that SHE listed the house w/o your consent and filed D papers and waited two days to tell you? Those two points alone would motivate me to get my own legal counsel to take a look at the agreement from the mediator.

You do have a power your W does not have right now. Once you do get the D papers you will be able to see who her legal counsel is. Do your research using public records from the court and find out which firm has had good success with her attny. That is what I did and trust me, it *will* work in your favor.

If she starts to make noise about why you retained your own counsel keep it short and sweet and not ugly... "W, due to the fact the D papers were filed and it was a bit shocking to me I felt it best to have my own legal guidance so all matters can be solved in a fair and reasonable way"

Hang in there.

Thanks CityGirl. We have a joint mediator, I don't believe she has an attorney, but will wait and see what happens when I see the papers.

Thanks for your advice.

Arg! What a day. My W keeps emailing me to tell me what I have to do to sell the house. She just wants out. There is nothing else in her mind. Nothing worth saving.

I'm growing very tired of this; but I know that only time and changed behavior on my part will fix this. I've done much of this already...but the time thing is a real killer.

I find myself praying more and more for what I want, even though I know that is not what I should be doing. Everything happens for a reason.

I am very focused on my kids right now as well as improving myself. It's just tough to do when you are constantly being kicked in the teeth by the person you promised (and they promised) to love forever.

Well, I haven't seen papers yet, but I did look it up online. She did file.

Tonight she asked me to take care of the kids music lessons on Wed. I said I could not. I did not elaborate and don't feel I need to. She gave up on our marriage and this is how it will be. I am happy to help with the kids, but she only calls me when the help involves paying for something (like guitar lessons, piano lessons, food for a b-day, etc...) and I haven't seen a penny back.

I am now convinced that my wife is depressed. I read the chapter in DR about dealing with a depressed spouse. Holy smokes, it describes my wife to a T. I am not free of blame in this R breakdown; but I can honestly say that I am feeling much better about what her share was. The description of depression, symptoms, history, spouses response to it...they are all DEAD on with what I went through. I knew it too; I just didn't handle it right.

It's not too late; but this is going to mean changing my approach. No longer can I look at my W as someone who is simply angry with me and looking for a way out, I need to realize that it is not my W, but a version of the woman I fell in love with that has been taken over by depression.

I feel guilty; but I also feel some relief. I hope she can find help and deal with this. My oldest daughter has mentioned things that concern me and it was like a whack on the back of the head. I feel like an idiot for not seeing this before.

All I can do now is help myself. There is nothing I can do for her but remain amicable and keep my distance and hope her IC can see the issue and help her with it.

Hi HelpMe-
If she is depressed, then she is essentially sick. Realizing that helps you to treat her with some compassion despite of the heartache she causes you, and not so much anger. I hope she gets the help she needs if that is the case.

Did you start looking for an attorney? You do need to protect yourself in the meantime.

Take care of yourself-
Bunny

Spybunny,

She did not get an attorney, when we started this, she wanted to use a mediator, which we will still do. If she gets an attorney, I will too.

I knew she was depressed, I just never put everything together until last week. Our MC session was crazy. The MC asked me to leave when she got completly unglued and asked me for a few minutes alone with her. It turned into an hour and 20 minutes after which he came in and a few minutes later dismissed her. He said he considered admiting her to the hospital because he was concerned about her well-being. I have honestly never seen my W like that.

My oldest D said she is very quiet, and doesn't talk to her like she used to. She is very inconsistent in her actions (typical in divorce), but also lathargic, tired and sleeps a lot, and irritable (obviously). Now this isn't new since the seperation, this was all there before, years before. Not as pronounced as it is now, but it was there.

I am sadened that I didn't realize this. Hoenstly, I think I had some issues too. Clearly the M fell apart long before this year. I still believe it can be rebuilt; but there is almost zero chance of that until she gets help for herself.

Our MC recognizes this. I talk to him tomorrow and will ask him if he relayed that to Kara.

Oh, BTW, her mom paid for the divorce. Nice first step to being independent.

Helpme,

I'm not if this is going to make sense, but don't read too much into the possibility that your W is depressed. I think when people go into WAS mode, there are elements of what seems like depression or actual depression. I don't think they transform into aliens in a flash of light.

I also saw signs of depression and MLC in my W early in my sitch. If it helps you understand and deal with the situation better, good. Don't let it stop you making changes for the better (for you), or make it an easy plausible reason for what is happening.

Deep,

I 100% agree.

I talked to my IC last week about this and said that I knew I was too close to the situation to be unbiased; but that I really felt like this has been an issue for a long time, and there is a history of it with my W and also with her family.

That doesn't change any of the Sh!t things I did.

My IC, who is also the MC, said that he understood and would think about it. Later that day, after her meltdown, he agreed.

He said that it is not my problem to deal with and I would do more harm than good by mentioning it. I need to step away (GAL, Go dark, etc...), so that is what I am doing.

I'm not trying to validate my sitch with this, but it is a revelation that I see better now. My assignment two weeks ago was to think of the things in my M that I was upset about. Initially I was blaming myself almost 100%. I'm not doing that anymore. I know that there are things that she did wrong and lots of them. However, many of them can be attributed to depression, just as many of mine can be attributed to repressed hurt and anger.

Again, I am not going to do anything. She filed. I need to move on. I can keep one eye looking back, in case she changes her mind; but for now...I need to get on with my life, enjoy my kids and continue to GAL and improve myself.

Tonight is a strange night. I feel okay with my situation. I'm not sure what has changed and I expect "the other shoe" to fall tomorrow. I meet with my IC tomorrow at lunch as well as with my Pastor in the morning (first meeting with Pastor).

Tonight I cleaned up a bit after the kids went to bed and then sat down and looked at houses online in my city. I actually got a little bit excited about the idea of having my own place, doing exactly what I want with it; making a great home for my kids and some day bringing someone new into my home to share my life with.

However, I still want to fix my M with my wife. I'd love to continue living my life with her and, now I uderstand, live it for and WITH her; but that is outside of my control. I know there are people out there who have gone through what I have. There are people out there looking for that connection I was missing with my wife. The problem is still that I know we HAD that connection and it is buried under years of crap. It could be "undug" and fixed; I know that...but I can't do it alone, no matter how much I want to.

I know I have a lot of love to give and maybe starting over would be easier...but I've said many times that anything worthwhile is not easy and a D from my W is still an easy way out...and not what I want.

I am looking forward to being on my own for the next week. I don't fear it. I will miss my children and want to find some time to spend with them over the next week, even though I will not be at home. I am confident my W will be okay with that.

God has a plan; I think I may have a plan that conflicts with that; but only time will tell, I guess.

Thank you for all of the great support you have given me and, I know, will continue to give.

I'm going to make this promise. No matter what happens, I will remain active on this board and try to help others who find themselves lost in this terrible process like each of you have helped me.

Thank you; and keep posting! It helps sooo much!

Well, another intensive counseling day. I feel good though.

I met with my pastor for an hour and a half, then with my IC for another hour over lunch.

He clarified what he said when he said "you need to fall out of love with her" last week. He did indeed mean detatch.

Today, i am confident. I have a meeting tonight and my W is going to watch the kids while I am gone. This is my last night at home for over a week (until the Friday after T-day). So, i havea lot of time to GAL.

I expect to get my papers tonight. I already know how to to respond. Thanks, leave them on the table, I will look at them later. I am not going to ruin my last night with the kids being depressed seeing my W's signature on divorce papers. I can do that away from home tomorrow.

I also need to make sure that everything she filed is in agreement with what we talked about with the mediator. I also need to make sure she didn't get an attorney, we agreed to not having attorney's and using the mediator.

Overall, I feel okay. I am sad, yes. I do want my marriage to work; but that might not be possible.

I will post more tonight, it was an intersting day with the IC. I learned alot about my W and what was discussed when I wasn't in the room last week. My IC feels he knows the "root" cause of some of our problems and I think he may be right. I'll explain more later.