Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers He wants to come home....HELP!

BobbiJo- thank you for that. I am going to talk to him tonight F2F. I think I am going to have him answer the questions Coach put up for me. He has to Stay Sat and Sun anyway because I work 7P-7A both nights so really, tonight is the only difference in the weekend plan anyway.

If he is not willing to work on the R/M I will tell him he needs to leave. I want him home, but not if we are just roommates raising children. I deserve a husband and a relationship. I deserve more than what he has offered in our brief conversation this AM.

I agree with your approach. First of all, why does the WAS have all this power anyway to feel they can just walk right back in as easily as they walked out? Do they not realized the pain and damage that they have done? When my H moved out 5 mos. ago, the first three I would of let him back in a heartbeat because my "normal" world was turned upside down but the more time passes, the more I realize I don't ever want him back unless he is willing to change and "work" at the M. I'm at a point where I feel I may end up being D because H cannot communicate or address the issues...so sad because here he has a wife willing to love with all her heart and he going to possibly throw that away!

You deserve a H that is going to be the best H and father he possibly can. It may take awhile, but the first step is to acknowledge that he is willing to try.

Yes, yes, yes!! (Imagine I am giving a standing O!)

Ask him those questions. If they aren't ready for the tough questions then they aren't ready to come home. I think that while they are still out of the house, we have much more power/leverage to demand the respect and relationship we deserve. Much harder to enforce boundaries/guidelines if they are already back in our homes...

Good luck with the conversation!

Ok, I called him and told him if he wants to come home we needed to sit down and talk about things. He said ok. He will be home in an hour.

I am scared to have this conversation. It goes against everything I have learned these last few weeks. At least I am stronger now and I know what I want and need.

Letting a wayward spouse back home, and into the marriage, TOO SOON and WITHOUT CONDITIONS/BOUNDARIES/TRANSPARENCY, is one of the two or three top mistakes I see on this forum.

"Leaving the marital home/bedroom/bed" and "trying to 'nice' them back into the marriage" are probably the other two.

Stick to your guns, PiGA. Have we steered you wrong yet??

Puppy

Puppy, you all have given me great advice.

We talked for a bit today. I told him he could only come home if he was there to work on us. I also said I needed total transparency...I want access to his phone and the call details. I said I understood he felt gulity for walking out on me but that I have come to a place where I don't NEED him. I said that yes, I want him home and I would love to make the marriage work but I do not need him there. I will be fine without him.

He said he has been thinking a lot the last few weeks. He said this is what he wants to do. He does not want to make any promises to me because he has hurt me enough but that he knows he wants to work with me.

There was a ton more said but I did not let him walk all over me. I made it clear that if he leaves again I will file for divorce next time. I refuse to be hurt again.

Now, here is my question....do I let him come back to the spare room or back to our room?

Wow, big turn of events. Glad I popped in on your sitch. Haven't been coming around as much the past couple weeks. Tread lightly. I'm happy you are starting to see more hope. It will take work. You are getting good advice so I won't pile on. I just want to wish you luck. I'm pulling for you.

My GUT says H3LL NO!

He needs to jump though hoops. MAKE HIM CHASE YOU! What you have been doing is working! You are now a prize he has to win back.

Set boundaries. Take your time.

I would trust PDT to guide you.

Keep working on YOU.

I would let him back when he does the work. Actions not words.
My Greek FIL has a expression, "The camels nose is in the tent." Meaning you are not going to stop him from coming all the way in once his nose is in. Slow down, make sure the work is being done before you let your husband back in.