Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

It's really hard when your H gives insincere responses by saying what he thinks he should say, rather than what he really feels......although now things are more out in the open perhaps that will change.

However, a typical DB response is to tell you to look at his behaviour rather than what he says.

You don't think any of your children fancy giving OW's H and family the info on what's going on? just a thought. It would stop OW being able to keep it cool and living the best of both worlds.

On the other hand, maybe she is playing it cool and is so chilled because she is not as invested in the R with your H as he thinks he is....maybe she is just having a bit of fun with your H?

Puppy First, thanks for the advice--I was so fixated on my belief that the only way he will come back to the marriage is if he realizes his children want our family back so much that I really didnt think it through. No it is not working because-- he doesnt text me back and it is actually the opposite of having him see kids are still very angry. It is so clear when someone else points it out.

I just realized that I am in a very bad bad way. THe C with the DB C on Friday along with H and my conversation during the 1 1/2 hour car ride made me realize I am so far away from detachment. And he is totally checked out of the marriage, I have to accept he is not attracted to me at this point at all. He is addicted to her. I guess I could understand it if she was this hot mama, young thing, even a very sexy 53 year old but she is ugly. THat makes it even more difficult on my self esteem.The last 3 days I hurt so much I feel like a heart attack victim. I cant seem to stop the constant thoughts about him, wanting my life back, why cant he feel anything for me. Is this normal to take so many steps backward. Today I drove by his apartment (I know, I know) after their work day and her car is there--Monday nite is their little evening together it appears. I cant deal with the fact I can spend a nice dinner with him and our son, look as lovely as I can and all he wants is her. I know I should GAL but I dont want to--went to a casino night at our church--all couples and felt worse. I dont have any single friends. Have to summon up my courage to go to a social event for a divorce support group. The though of walking into a bar or restaurant alone to meet new people is scary.

Saffie--thank you for continuing to post. My daughter says telling OW family would be mean. She says our holidays are ruined and why ruin theirs over their mothers/wifes infidelity. Telling her family might actually result in her H leaving, moving out or her moving out so my H and she would have even more access. This isnt about her family being able to stop her anymore than my kids feelings/anger have changed my H's heart. They have a timetable and it might get sped up but not derailed AND I dont want this to go any faster. Especially since I am not dealing with it very well.

There is no way she is not invested in this relationship. My H said during C that he promised her by such and such a date he would move out, leave me, get a divorce--he kinda admitted this in a round about way in C session. Since that time he no longer says there is a chance for us or that he has no plan and he keeps talkin about being honest with kids. Her calm, cool, no anger, no pressure technique is exactly the right way to woo my H--just be happy and fun around him--no worries and dont even discuss what reaction your family/kids would have as that is too negative for him to deal with. Interesting aside here, one of my gf played devil's advocate and said to me; What if she really is like that--laid back, happy all the time, no stress-maybe that is her true personality all along. And, I have had to work like crazy this last year to come close to that?

GOsh, I feel so hopeless now. If after one year of 180 behavior changes and not showing anger/losing my temper for 7-8 months--while he still was in the house--do you think there is any chance he could give her up? Shouldnt the endorphin/love rush be wearing off?

I think that maybe you need to prepare yourself that this may not happen until they DO actually live together. At the moment they just get to see the 'best' bits of one another. Being together all the time, at work and at home, may well show some big cracks.

There is a long way to go here though. You just don't know for sure what will happen when OW tells her family when it is time to move in with your H.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Everyone has days when it all seem so much worse. Just look after yourself and don't doubt your self worth.

That's something I try to remember. A real loving marriage is boring a lot of the time. Paying bills, getting the kids up, cleaning up sick, wee, changing nappies / diapers, picking kids up from football, watching TV, making dinner, taking the dog to the vets ... etc. That's all boring! When they start to live together that is when the annoying little habits will come out too. It's also when life will become boring and the excitement should wear off. That does take time though as when the first live together it will be possibly even MORE exciting!



Try and put off any decisions when you feel emotional. It's not always possible (I fail frequently myself) but try.

Made it through another couple of days and starting to feel better. After feeling initially hopeful the Friday of counseling, I am back to reality. He isnt interested in contact with me--I have started to pay attention to his tone of voice and ways of behaving. He doesnt open doors anymore or pull out chairs, he cant wait to get off the phone, that gentle joking tone is gone from his voice. He seems like a nice stranger. I think he is still feeling very guilty but not trying to see if our relationship has any chance.

The DB counselor said he is addicted to the A and boy can you tell.

I wish I could stop loving him. I wish I could be angry with either of them--instead I am just sad and hurt.

Here's a somewhat silly quesion. What do you talk about with your H or W when you see them now especially if you are separated and dont know whats going on in their lives? He never ever asks about me, my job,old friends, or anything but the kids and dog and usually I volunteer the info on the kids. He will talk about his job, sporting events, what he did with his buddies, and golf ( too cold now) I have run out of happy, light things to say and ask about. I am not sure about talking about our adult kids as their is some negativit involved there with the kids toward him. someone said dont compliment his looks etc as that is pursuing him but that is how I flirt--by complimenting.

benotafraid,

have you thought that by being a bit mysterious, cryptic about what you do, you may pique his curiosity.

Many WAS seem to not be bothered about the LBS until they see them moving on.....and in their heads see them as possibly having someone else. Now I am not saying that you need to go find someone else, you are standing for your M, but maybe not always being available when your H expects you to be, or having to curtail a meeting/ phonecall etc., because you 'have to be somewhere else@ may start him thinking a bit. It may also make you seem more exciting. At the moment it sounds to me that you are safe and predictable to your H. He feels safe in the knowledge at the moment that he has as much time as he wants on his hands to make a decision as if things don't work out with OW you will still be there waiting.

I have read on here that people just went to book shops to get out the house but you could also join a ladies reading group, join a cookery group or a gardening group.....anything that gets you out the house and makes it so your H doesn't always know what you are up to.

Busy, interesting people are those that others tend to be attracted towards, and it also helps you forget for a while the constant thoughts about your H.

How about a dance class? A salsa group? Lots of my single GF's have gone to those. A great way to meet people of both sexes and get some exercise.

Thanks again Saffie,
You are right. This is what DB is about--I am too available. I am having trouble coming up with things I like to do--kinda pathetic. I did just join a meetup group called girlfriends over 35 that goes to wine tastings, happy hours, cooking classes-have yet to go to something with Thanksgiving coming up. I work 4 nigts pretty late and its hard to want to do something after work. Been going to a church based support group and went out for coffee after. But, H is never around and never asks what I am doing. I have gone pretty dark after hittng bottom by Monday so I am trying not to call or text but he really doesnt seem to care or have any curiousity about what I am doing. After our C on Friday, he appeared to be wavering a little and then when the A was slightly threatened by his guilt/shame -they have kicked it into overdrive--seeing each other after work more than usual. (Counselor predicted it)

I just have a really bad feeling about our M now. I need to find some ways to get these thoughts out of my head, to be more positive, to be less needy. Do you or any of the posters have any reommendations on books to read? Does anyone know much about mindfulness?

I need to GAL, be busy, enjoy my life. I know some of what to do I just have to do it.

I'm not a counsellor or qualified in ANY WAY to comment on this but I have to say I smiled when I read it. That is just so predictable.

If their A / R is SO strong and wonderful and great, why would the mutterings of a wife (ie. you) and a stupid counsellor kick their R so hard that they have to scramble and grab each other for dear life for the fear it's going to slip away from them?

They have not kicked their R into overdrive because they want to suddenly spend more time together (otherwise they would have spent that extra time together anyway). It's been kicked into overdrive as it's been threatened. Strong relationships don't get threatened by the words of an LBS and a counsellor. Weak, desperate and fragile relationships do. IMHO, their R going into overdrive is a good sign that the garden is far from rosy.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Interesting take P17. All of us on these boards know how messed up these lying, cheating A are except for the ones in the middle of them. t did make me smile too that as soon as he tries to get a little resolve to look at both of us instead of her--it is to threatening to them. No they are not in a strong R but then again for the last 2 years my H has lived a lie fairly comfortably as well as continued in our M in an unhappy mode so he doesnt have a clue what a strong relationship is.

A part of me hopes you are right and its a good sign. Another part scares me that I want to find hope where it isnt.

I actually think there is a lot to P17@s take on the post C increase in your H and OW seeing each other.

You have been 'dark' such a short time that don't get disheartened by your H's apparent lack of contact; he truly hasn't had time to notice yet.



Don't know much about 'mindfulness' but I am a real beleiver in the worth of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's what helped me turn myself and then my M around. There are lots of good books out there on the market but Martin Seligman is someone I know is particularly good. He wrote Learned Optimism and he also wrote Authentic Happiness. Not always the lightest of reads but I found them a great help.

Using CBT practitioner is by far the best though. I used my books in conjunction with one.