OMG....my H never even enters my house any longer...he waits in the car for our son..
I remember a while ago when he was still living here when I got close to him, he would pull his shoulder in and I could actually see his chest moving in and out and how hard he was breathing...wow, that was hurtful...he would go into the bathroom and actually lock the door....we never have done that..
MOst of the time I feel like i am doing so much better and have control over everything then boom a memory sets in or a thought,something that sneaks into my head and I cant get it out until I totally play it out in my mind...then I end up crying, and tonight would be one of those nights....
I picked my son up from bball practice and I was talking to him, i said to him, "if there was one thing you really wanted for Christmas, what would it be"....He said, "nothing"...I dont even know if I'll be able to get my kids anything for Christmas..now that we are paying for the LOVE CHILD and H's pay has been seriously cut, I can barely pay the bills...I've never been in this sitch before and it is very scary..
When we got home I couldn't get out of the car, son went into the house and I starting crying, and i was crying hard..I couldnt stop.....you put 30 plus years into a relationship and in a moment, POOF, it's gone...without an explanation, without a look back, just erased...thank heavens for my children. they are my world...
I told someone at work today that I just act like H is dead..sounds bad but it works...he calls his son when he feels it's time, not consistant...sees him every so often, again when it's convenient for him, and all the other days he's free to do what he wants...
I have to admit that sometimes I do wonder what he's thinking, what he's doing, if we sneak into his thoughts, then I go back to reality and know he's really not THINKING at all...he's just exsisting....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I remember my H locked the bathroom door too! They have lost their minds that is all there is to it!
I was reading your thread and you sounded so good and you sounded like you had made alot of progress. Remember we all are going to have those awful days no matter what. You are going to make it!
I think it hurts us most when it involves our kids. I know it did me. Lizzie and I had a plan to get a bus and drive it cross country and make all the stops to each MLC and run them over!!!! Of course it was all made up but that is where our thoughts were at the time.
Christmas was hard for me too when H was gone. I had enough money to pay the bills, barely. I don't know but I scrimped and saved enough to make it a halfway decent Christmas for the kids and my GD. They understand.
As for what he is thinking, well I wouldn't want to be in their brain
Struggling this weekend...cant seem to push H out of my Head...i posted on my thread as to what I was dealing with today..
I have a few questions for you...when H and I first got married he went through a big depression...was afraid he wouldnt be able to take care of me the way he wanted. blah, blah, blah.. Whiled going through this I stood by his side, watched him stare at walls, lay in bed, while I would tell him all the time how much I loved him...
His mom actually sat with us one day while I was crying and told my H that maybe we were too young to get married, (even though we already were)...that maybe we should get divorced and maybe try again later...that has stuck with me forever...
H has a brother who is a drug addict, always in jail, he really is a sweet, loveable person, just caught up in trying to live up to his brother (my H) and what he has accomplished..H's mom would always say in front of the brother, "look at your brother, why can't you be like him"..of course she didn't know H was sleeping around and that she actually had ANOTHER grandson who was 10....I think this got to H...don't you? I think it finally hit a head and he snapped...
H seems to be able to bury everything, even us, he told me he was calased to all my crying and just plain old me...said I am what he always thought I was, said that in anger, and I cant get it out of my head....WHAT DID I DO? you mean he hated me that bad? I know its the past and what they say means nothing but wow, it hits deep...I want to let it all go, I just don't seem able to do so....I even had a dream about H....and we were kissing and having fun....when I woke it was like it was real....but then I noticed that I was alone and it was all a dream...
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 12/06/0902:52 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, You are not the problem. His parents were! Their expectations for their sons was pitting them against one another. Your brother was put up on a very high pedestal and he couldn't or wasn't allowed to experience life as a teenager.
As for your mil, her statements were very uncalled for and insensitive.
The comments that your h has made to you are actually comments that he would dearly love to tell his own mother. He's lashing out at you because you were the safe target. Right now, you are an authority figure to him. The one thing that I strongly urge you not to do is to continue pointing out the things he's not doing. I'm sure he heard enough of that when he was living w/his parents. Instead of pointing the finger at him, learn, if you can to start pointing out the good things that he may do. I know it's very difficult not to point the finger, but this guy has a lot of "mother/authority" issues w/his childhood. If you can do this, I believe he may start coming around a bit and want to spend more time w/your son and family. He knows very well he's hurt everyone, but to continue to beat a dead horse to death will not accomplish anything. Take a giant leap of faith and it is the season for faith, and do something different.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I havent' said anything negative to H lately....I've totally been reliving it in my OWN head....things that are tough...I don't tell him...I spare him, his feelings, etc...I did do that in the past and you are dead on....but I have not done that lately...I let him do whatever he wants...I never question, ask or anything...it's weird but what you said about his mom is Dead on....I love her but she has always been very controlling...H doesnt visit her much...took him a month to take her her bday card...
His dad says nothing...he sits back and lets his mom talk and yell and whatever else...H would always kind of hold it in but he did tell me he hated how his dad just took it all...
Thanks I understand more now....
Can you be in a depression and appear to be normal?
Last edited by Treese; 12/06/0904:01 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
In answer to your question...yes, you can appear normal and yet be in depression. You have to remember, depression for men is different than it is for women. You need to go back and read up on depression and how men can display the symptoms.
As for his parents....they are the problem in how they dealt with issues and their children. You are not the issue here.
Do not remind him of his mother. The finger pointing and the harping over things may have been her traits.
Keep the focus on you and your children. There's absolutely nothing you can do to fix your h. He has to do this for himself and he will in time. He's just got to figure things out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Momm.......send the bus.....I'm ready....can I run over a few "speed bumps" on my ride around the greener grass...
Really now....I'm getting a grip on things...H looks tired...I've seen him a few times at basketball games...I'm usually there first and he comes straight to my bench to sit next to me..I just smile and grit my teeth and I am friendly..
My son has bought me 3 gifts and smiles every time he sees me..he is so excited to have gotten a few gifts for his mom...of course my mom helped him but seeing my children smile makes my heart sing....
Love ya Ma....Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
