Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

I just wanted to pop in aNd say that I've been reading your post and you are doing super!! Keep it up.

I agree! HUGS

Thanks for the encouragement Sandi & R2C!

Friday night - I got home and H had left as usual.

Saturday - I left early morning to go out of town with a friend for the day. Had a great time! Got home early evening around 8:00pm and no H for the rest of the night.

Sunday - I was home and had a strong premonition that H might pop up for some reason. [With this, I've been having more of a feeling like he is starting to take more notice of when I'm home or not, or maybe out of his curiosity he is wanting to know if I'm home or not.] Sure enough, right on cue, early afternoon I heard the garage door. I closed my bedroom door and got in shower and was getting myself dressed to leave. Never saw H as he just took the 4-wheeler and trailer and left. I left for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I got home around midnight. Few minutes after I got home, with all my stuff still in my hands, H got home and came in kitchen door. H looks at me with smile on his face and says "Oh, what did you just get home to?" I just smiled and said yes and then walked out of kitchen to my bedroom and went to bed. Very surprised that he was home again on a Sunday night.

Today - I was at the house when H came home for lunch. I stayed in my room with door half open. Walked out to tell H a quick something about my car tags money I'm giving to him. Think I had a little bit of a tired voice because H in office, asks me when I'm in the kitchen a few minutes later "Are you ok?". AFG "Yes, why?" H "Oh, you just seemed a little short." AFG with surprised voice "Oh, no, sorry, I'm good."

I went back to my room and was on my computer. H decides to come in and tells me he wants to play me something on my computer and have me listen with his earphones. I let him pull up the song, and it was one I've heard a million times lately, so I just said yes, I've heard that already a bunch of times. Unplugged his earphones without listening to the song and gave them back to him. Then he just made a little small talk about the song and I went back to what I was doing and he left my room. Little later he left and went back to work.

I went out with girlfriends for dinner tonight. Came home and H still not home yet. Most likely at the gym or maybe gone for the night.
....

Just thinking out loud here. Other ideas to ponder on different behavior.


Do you take the 4-wheeler out without H? Might be fun to take a friend and go use it. It is marital property correct? Might stir some emotions in H. If it does, do not react...."Sorry you feel that way".....


Another option, "Yes, I need to get a few things". Back to bedroom, then out of house again. Go to hotel and let him be home alone....

AFG,

What song was it?

Puppy

Tactically, I love BOTH of these ideas!!!

It was that new song by Beyonce, Sweet Dream/Beautiful Nightmare.

I'm pretty sure where you're going with this and based on the song lyrics it doesn't really sound like it would be something that H would be thinking towards me right now. I've pretty much figured that OW must've told H something like "oh this is my song to you" or probably some crap like that. Yesterday, after I told H that I had already heard the song a bunch and didn't listen to it he just said "It's catchy isn't it?" and that was all. Still, it ruined the song for me, because I did like it beforehand, and now I just change the channel when it comes on.




For the 4-wheeler, this has been a little source of contention between us. It is technically mine and H has a dirtbike. But H doesn't see it that way because he likes the 4-wheeler more than his dirtbike, has ridden it more than his dirtbike, and has a truck to pull the trailer with the 4-wheeler on it, so he can go riding whenever he pleases.

I would love to take the 4-wheeler and go riding with friends, and I have tried to initiate this, but keep getting waylayed by either cancellations or problems with finding someone's truck to use.

The last I said to H about the 4-wheeler, was that I wouldn't say another word about selling it (I had wanted to sell it because I need money (and so he couldn't use it anymore)), and he went ballistic on that one, so I relented and said we could both just use it for our personal use.

I almost had a problem over the weekend when he took it because I wasn't sure WHO he brought with him or was going to be letting ride it. Especially since another rider would require use of MY helmet, gloves, and goggles. I found out before I had to start planning the consequences for what appeared to be a boundary violation, H's bro posted on facebook his status on Sunday confirming that he was the one with H going riding.

H brought his Bro here way back not too long after the bomb and went riding that time as well. I told him then that I didn't have a problem with that. Not sure if that's how I still feel about it, but decided not to make waves about it. I'm just going to take possession of MY riding gear, not just leave it with H's and the other stuff out in the garage.

Hopefully I can get out riding soon, because I have been seriously craving it for sometime now.

For leaving after it looked like I had just gotten home -
I thought about doing that too, after the fact though. LOL! Would've been a good one, darn it!

Last Monday night - I heard H get home around 10:30 from the gym. I was already in bed and didn't see him.

Last Tuesday - In the morning when I was leaving for work, out on the kitchen table H had left for me my renewed car tag registration paper. The little sticker that goes on your license plate was missing. When I left for work I checked my license plate and saw that he had put the sticker on it for me. The reason why I mention this, is that 1) He has never done the registration renewals before. 2) He could have just left the registration paper with the sticker for me to put on myself. 3) When I was going through a stack of mail a day later, I came across his registration with the sticker still on the paper for his truck. So, it wasn't just a "he was doing his and just decided to do mine too kind of thing". And the registrations come together, not separately so it wasn't like he was just waiting for his to get in either. ...Just interesting.

I came home from church meeting and grocery shopping around 10pm to H asleep on the couch. I just put away groceries and went to bed.

Last Wednesday - H had just gotten home and was in garage cleaning out his truck when I pulled into driveway. I just went inside and put away dishes and did some laundry stuff. I went to my room to start getting ready as I had plans to meet a friend later. H had a couple of his gym buddies stop by to pick him up to go to the gym. I got ready and left.

I got home really late around 2:30am and H was gone (as expected).

Thursday - I went to housesit/catsit for some friends in the evening.

Friday - Housesitted/catsitted for day and night at friends house.

Saturday - I came home mid-morning. Could tell H still hadn't been home since Wednesday. Thought he would be gone til Monday. H must've taken day off work on Friday because he has always had to work on Friday after Thanksgiving. I just hung around the house and got some down-time in, gave myself a pedicure. Left house late afternoon to go get brow wax and to the tanning salon. Get a text from H "You going to be home tonight?". First text I've gotten from him in like 3-4 weeks now. I figured he was either 1) home or on his way home and trying to see if I was going to be home so he could have OW or other people over or 2) just trying to see what my plans were. I didn't respond because I was going to be home in like 15 minutes when I got the text.

It was like 5:30pm when I pulled in and H was home. H came out and said hi, then went to couch with tv on. I made dinner and H was semi-sleeping on couch. Told him there was food in the kitchen if he wanted. I went in my room to finish watching football game and eat. Went to kitchen and cleaned up. Then back in my room my phone was ringing and getting texted, so I was talking on the phone and getting ready to go out as well.

Just as I was about done getting ready, I went to kitchen to get some water and H was there making himself a plate of food. Looked at me with that look of "where are you going" but said "I know it's none of my business, but are you going to be home tonight?". I had started to walk away and turned around and said "Why does it matter?" H annoyed "Because I was just wondering if I'm laying around in my underwear is it going to matter." I just kinda smirked-laughed and walked away, not answering the question. Went back to my room and finished getting ready. Walk out of my room with H on couch, H looks at me with a little "checking me out" look. I just smiled and said c-ya and out the door I went.

Got home close to 1:00am. All the lights in the house are on. H is in office on computer with phone up to his ear and talking quietly. I went to my room to change and then went back out to kitchen for a snack. H got up and went to his room and closed the door. I went to bed.

Sunday - I was leaving for church meeting in the morning. H was on the couch sleeping (shirtless in his jeans, not his underwear, lol). I get home around noon and H is in his bedroom with door closed. I change and go back to kitchen, make myself some lunch and back to my room to watch a little tv while eating. H knocks on my door. Has a new protein shake flavor he wants me to take a sip of and try and guess what flavor it is. I obliged. I went back to kitchen to clean up my lunch dishes and H says "I rented a movie last night if you want to watch it." Then a few other friendly interactions about cell phone bill stuff and he also offered to front me money for a new cell phone.

I left and went to his parents house to bring them a few items that were theirs and that they wanted back/needed to use. Funny that I was going to HIS parents and he has neither talked to nor seen his parents since they have been down. It is really wearing on H's dad. H's dad has never talked to me like he has been with real emotion showing on the whole situation.

Then I had a fun girls make-up party to go to. I didn't get home til around 7:00pm and H wasn't home. His work shoes were missing so I figured he must've went to work. Around 1:30am I was in bed but I heard him get home.

I had many ups and downs over the last week. It's been a struggle keeping my emotions in check and not allowing depression/sadness/loneliness to take over and control my actions. I found myself at some really low points of missing him badly. But it seems like I always ask myself Why? What is it that I'm missing right now? when that happens. Then realize that so much was missing from our R and my needs were never met. It was always about trying to rescue him, make him feel better, trying to fill him up. In my future lies the possibility for a great R with someone who appreciates me for me and who will love me and treat me with dignity, loyalty, faithfulness and honesty in all things. I can't wait for that day to come when I do finally meet that person.

Ok, so last night I got a little weak and for some reason today, I can't shake this feeling of guilt inside of me. It is this strange sensation that I did something wrong or that I allowed myself to let my guard down. Ugh.

H didn't come home during the day. I was in the kitchen starting dinner when he got home from work in the evening. We exchanged hi's. H told me a little about work and then went to the office on the computer. I finished making dinner and told him food was ready. I sat at the kitchen bar and ate. Few minutes later H came in and got his plate and started to pull the other barstool around to the other side of the counter to sit and "eat together". I asked him if he had seen a recent tv show. (I NEVER initiate like this, but there was this one funny skit that I KNEW he would just love and laugh at. So I wanted to share it with him.) H responded that he hadn't, so I went to living room to put it on. H followed with his dinner out to living room. I'm about to play the clip and H's phone is texted and he starts texting back. I stop the clip and look straight at him. He looks up and says "Oh, sorry." Closes the phone and puts it underneath him right away.

We watch the tv show clips together and just as I thought, he found it extremely funny. I get up and clean kitchen afterwards. H falls asleep on couch for little while. I went to my bedroom to do some computer work. Heard H leave for the gym a little later.

H gets home from gym and my bedroom door was open. H comes in and asks me if I want to go to the hot tub with him. I hesitate but then decide to go ahead and go. Before we leave, H's phone rings (around regular time for OW to call) and he goes to his bedroom and closes door. Comes back out ready to leave about 5 mins later though. We walk together to the hot tub. When we got there another young couple had just arrived to use hot tub as well. Normally I sit on direct opposite side across from H. This forced me to sit next to him fairly close. H just praddled on about taking his bro riding last weekend and a new friend of his in the hospital that he went to visit last week. I just listened and didn't offer any information on my life at all.

Then, just before we get out of hot tub to leave, H looks at me and says "I have a proposition for you." AFG thinks oh dear god, what now???. H "I want to see if maybe you want to come to the shop and help me on side jobs and I'll pay you if that would help you out right now." AFG a little taken aback because that was NOT what I was expecting at all. AFG replies "Sure, I don't see why not. I'm willing to work for any money right now." and then chuckle to myself inside thinking ok, yeah, i'll work for him and let him pay me to help expedite my moving out. H "Yeah, I was at work til after 1:00am last night working on this side job and could've really used help on it."

Meanwhile, I'm thinking, the detrimental part of even considering this type of arrangement would be the close proximity and amount of time that I would be spending with H. And I think that I would be too vulnerable to my feelings flaring up again or misreading the situation. It could just be an attempt on his part to find someway to spend time with me as well though and still keep OW because I'm sure he could excuse it on the premise that he's trying to help me with money to leave (lol), if he even bothered to tell her.

We walk back to house and H is still musing and laughing on the funny TV shows/clips we watched earlier. Get home and I go to my room. I walk out a little later for a snack and H is in office on his computer and on his phone talking quietly. I was only out there very briefly and then went back to my room, but H never got up to leave to go to his room with his phone call.

Again, it feels like I revisited that old pattern/dynamic where I think H wants a little interaction with me and/or is maybe missing me and I opened the way a little for him by being nice to him, more friendly with him than usual which led to the hot-tub invitation and so on last night.

Oh well. Some days are better than others.

Don't give up yet. Working with him will probably not be something OW will be very happy about. That is likely to cause problems between them. You, OTOH, will be outshining OW... I really admire how you have handled yourself. Keep up the good work. This may be a new chapter that is about to open up.