I would calmly ask him if he took the cleaning supplies and if so, where. If he did take them to the OW I would calmly set a boundary and explain to him why that is unacceptable. He may feel that he is "paying for everything" (his words which you quoted) and is entitled to take the supplies.
I would calmly ask him if he took the cleaning supplies and if so, where. If he did take them to the OW I would calmly set a boundary and explain to him why that is unacceptable. He may feel that he is "paying for everything" (his words which you quoted) and is entitled to take the supplies.
Beat me to the punch, Kara -- that's perfect.
AFG, I read your entire post, and you're like 10-for-10 in there, handling everything BEAUTIFULLY. I mean, "A+" stuff. Why would this boundary be any different, or any more difficult?
Psssshhh . . . . you've handled far tougher so far, baby!
...But here's where I ran into a problem that I need some help with... noticed that some brand new bottles of household cleaners and toilet cleaner and the carrying caddy for these cleaners were all missing. I just bought these cleaners last night. Then I noticed that the duster is missing. Then I went and checked on the vacuum cleaner, sure enough it is gone too... I'm starting to fume. My best guess is that H took said cleaning paraphernalia to OW's to help her clean? or to maybe surprise her by him cleaning her place? Whatever the case is - I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!! I did not go and buy cleaning supplies so that he could take them and do whatever he is doing with them, along with my household cleaning utensils. I don't want to blow up at him about this. So, what should I do? How should I handle this?
It is perfectly normal to be angry. The key is to channel that anger effectively. Anger is your signal to take action. The action is calmly setting a boundary (that you can enforce) with natural consequences to HIM. You can be creative. The consequences can be delayed. You have lots of options. The key is doing something effective.
I believe the other two gave good advice.
Another option,
Change the locks. When H can't get in, explain to him that household items are missing and you didn't know who had taken them and wanted to protect the rest of the household.
If he admits to taking them out, set a boundary that you will not tolerate family items being removed from the house with out your prior knowledge. WHEN he agrees to TELL YOU ABOUT EVERY FAMILY ITEM HE TAKES, you will give him a key. IF YOU DO THIS VIA EMAIL, YOU HAVE A WRITTEN AGREEMENT WITH HIM.
So the real solution is most likely in the middle of these.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks Kara, Puppy, & R2C. Wished I could've stopped myself & controlled myself a little better last night to wait for the advice.
Last night H got home around 1:00am and I heard him bringing in stuff (cleaning supplies). I walk out of my room to him wheeling in the vacuum cleaner. H says a very friendly hello to me. I just stop and stare at him before I said anything. H says "What?". AFG with an annoyed tone "I would appreciate it if you please don't take our cleaning supplies from the house for outside use." H instantly irritated "Why am I getting attitude?" AFG "I didn't think I was giving you attitude, I was simply making a request." H "No, you're giving me attitude and what does it matter if I take the cleaning stuff." AFG "It matters because those are our household items not to be taken or used elsewhere." H "OUR items?" AFG "They are common items for use here in this house." H "Whatever, whatever." I start to walk away and then turn and walk back, looked him straight on and said very matter of factly "You want it plain and simple. An example to help you out. It's like when I bought that KY, I didn't buy it so that you could go and f*** someone else and use it with them." and walked away and went in my bedroom and got in bed.
(There was a brand new box of that new Yours & Mine product that I had bought shortly after the Bomb and placed in a box of things for him and us in trying to do what I thought were nice things towards reconciliation. Not too long ago I found it, not in the box that I had put it in in his closet, but in his bedroom drawer along with some massage oils that had been in the other box as well and they had all been opened. I don't think he was using them just for his own personal use, as he has been out of town with OW recently. When I confronted him about it he lied and said he had thought he had thrown them out.)
Few minutes later H opens my door without knocking and says something that I didn't understand and closes my door. I get out of bed and follow H out to living room, "Excuse me?". H "Yah, excuse you. I am not going to be controlled in my own home anymore. I can do what I want with the things in my home and I don't want to hear anything more about it." AFG "This is not about me trying to control you or the things you do. Your personal items and personal life are your own. I DO however have an issue with common household items that are here for use in THIS house. And I didn't just go and buy all those cleaning supplies so you could take them and use them wherever." H angriliy "Fine - you wanted to take a dig at me with the KY comment, and get a rise out of me, you did. You wanted to start an argument, you did." AFG "I didn't want to start anything and I'm not trying to get anything out of you or from you." H cuts me off in conversation, "Just go to bed, this conversation is over, it's going nowhere, just go to bed." AFG "I'll choose when I want to finish speaking and when my part of the conversation is over. Please do not take the household cleaning items from the house. Thank you." And then I went to bed.
I didn't see him but I know that H woke up very late for work this morning...hmmm, methinks someone did not get much sleep last night?
Anyways, is there any reason to do any kind of damage control now at this point? I never did actually ask where he had taken the stuff or what he was using them for. Even if I had, I think he would've just lied anyways.
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 11/19/0906:18 PM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
I gain clarification by asking questions. I only ask questions when I am ready to accept the truth without over reacting.
"Where did you take the cleaning supplies?"
H will choose to speak truth or lie.
I gain respect by setting boundaries:
"I will not tolerate being lied to" take action and walk away. "I will not tolerate our household items used for OW" Take action. Changing locks is extreme. Best action is enforceable by YOU. My divorce papers said I was NOT to remove joint property from the marital home without joint agreement. File for divorce. He will not be able to remove items without your consent. Just food for thought.
Predicting his responses to you and having appropriate responses to him are good skills.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks Kara, Puppy, & R2C. Wished I could've stopped myself & controlled myself a little better last night to wait for the advice.
Last night H got home around 1:00am and I heard him bringing in stuff (cleaning supplies). I walk out of my room to him wheeling in the vacuum cleaner. H says a very friendly hello to me. I just stop and stare at him before I said anything. H says "What?". AFG with an annoyed tone "I would appreciate it if you please don't take our cleaning supplies from the house for outside use." H instantly irritated "Why am I getting attitude?" AFG "I didn't think I was giving you attitude, I was simply making a request." H "No, you're giving me attitude and what does it matter if I take the cleaning stuff." AFG "It matters because those are our household items not to be taken or used elsewhere." H "OUR items?" AFG "They are common items for use here in this house." H "Whatever, whatever." I start to walk away and then turn and walk back, looked him straight on and said very matter of factly "You want it plain and simple. An example to help you out. It's like when I bought that KY, I didn't buy it so that you could go and f*** someone else and use it with them." and walked away and went in my bedroom and got in bed.
(There was a brand new box of that new Yours & Mine product that I had bought shortly after the Bomb and placed in a box of things for him and us in trying to do what I thought were nice things towards reconciliation. Not too long ago I found it, not in the box that I had put it in in his closet, but in his bedroom drawer along with some massage oils that had been in the other box as well and they had all been opened. I don't think he was using them just for his own personal use, as he has been out of town with OW recently. When I confronted him about it he lied and said he had thought he had thrown them out.)
Few minutes later H opens my door without knocking and says something that I didn't understand and closes my door. I get out of bed and follow H out to living room, "Excuse me?". H "Yah, excuse you. I am not going to be controlled in my own home anymore. I can do what I want with the things in my home and I don't want to hear anything more about it." AFG "This is not about me trying to control you or the things you do. Your personal items and personal life are your own. I DO however have an issue with common household items that are here for use in THIS house. And I didn't just go and buy all those cleaning supplies so you could take them and use them wherever." H angriliy "Fine - you wanted to take a dig at me with the KY comment, and get a rise out of me, you did. You wanted to start an argument, you did." AFG "I didn't want to start anything and I'm not trying to get anything out of you or from you." H cuts me off in conversation, "Just go to bed, this conversation is over, it's going nowhere, just go to bed." AFG "I'll choose when I want to finish speaking and when my part of the conversation is over. Please do not take the household cleaning items from the house. Thank you." And then I went to bed.
I didn't see him but I know that H woke up very late for work this morning...hmmm, methinks someone did not get much sleep last night?
Anyways, is there any reason to do any kind of damage control now at this point? I never did actually ask where he had taken the stuff or what he was using them for. Even if I had, I think he would've just lied anyways.
9.9, 9.7, 9.5, 9.7, 9.6, 9.8, 9.4, 9.7
Nice job, sometimes you have to let it fly.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
