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OK. I know I seem to be overly concerned about what my W may think. I am aware of it. I know it doesn't serve any purpose to always wonder other than speculating and hoping. I have a lot to understand about true DBing. I'm not there yet for sure.

How can I get my W to know or see that I made changes if she hardly talks to me? Can't help thinking about it. Can't help wondering what else I can do. I wish someone up there would engage her to think and think about her options. But I have no clue if someone is doing it. So I think about that often, and of course I have no answers.

But I am surprisingly doing OK after 16 months of limbo. How much longer...I'm not yet at the point where I want to give up and finish this on my terms. I am not there at all. I'm just thinking aloud and venting.

JR

Just got an email today from my W with an unusual request: her brother's son is traveling overseas and plans to stop in Europe for a few days. My parents and sisters happen to live there. My W asks me if it's OK for her nephew to stop at my parents' home to stay for a couple of days.

That's an unusual request given the fact that my family has their own feelings about the situation with my W and I. Yet this request comes out of the blue, and my W knows that my parents weren't too pleased with my W leaving me. Anyway, any insight on why my W would even ask me for this favor? I emailed her back and told her it shouldn't be any problem. I also gave her my family's direct contact numbers and email if she wants to contact them directly.

OK, OK, I shouldn't read much into any of this. But I have to admit this is very unusual. Kind of offering an olive branch...
Any comments Michelle? Carlos? Veronica?

JR

Well, 3 email traffic with my W this evening! Very unusual. I told her I called my sister in Europe and asked how we could help the nephew. In the same email I also asked her about dates I could fly out to see the boys. She answered back right away.I asked for 2 extra days to be with the boys, but didn't make a fuss with the 7 days she had planned. I just said "it was fine, no worries, I understand". So I am excited, and so is S12 who texted me for a good 30 min just to remember our last Holiday season last year.

Anyway, I'll be careful not to ask anything about the R. Last time I did a year ago, and was served with D papers 3 weeks later.

JR

Man, I've been posting a lot today. Just processing my thoughts. I just realized that this year will be my second Christmas away from the Boys since my W left. I've been tempted to ask her why is it that I can't have Christmas this time since last Christmas she had the boys.

I thought about it a lot. But I remember DB/DR: It doesn't always serve the cause to always be right. Do I want to be right or be married? Well, I just don't want contention. I figure the important part is to BE with the Boys. We can have Christmas all over again when I see them for 7 days...My Christmas IS SEEING the Boys. I'm excited.

JR

That is a great Christmas present!

That is an interesting request. Her bridging that gap to your family definitely makes it seem like she's not so eager to split the family. I would call it a baby step personally.

I've seen all this broken down into 4 phases on here: 1 reduce negative emotions; 2 friendship; 3 romance; 4 recommitment.

I think you are between 1 and 2. So, you want to be careful not to have too many setbacks. But at the same time, be careful not to shove down so many issues, especially when it comes to the kids, that you build up resentment.

In reality, if you were D, you probably WOULD have the kids this Christmas. At some point in the future, it might be good to shake things up a bit - to let her see that this can't continue forever, and if she doesn't want to R then D will happen, and she will have to share holidays and set up a formal split parenting plan. Which probably will be less convenient for her.

As always, you are right Michelle. THANKS for chiming in. Missed your input. I hope YOU are doing well on your side with the D being final. You must have a lot of self-assurance and confidence to be able to detach from your own situation and still give much needed advice to people like me. Takes an emotionally well balanced person to do that I'm sure.

I'm grateful to have you as a great sounding board.

THANKS again.

JR

It is definitely difficult posting to the newcomers sometimes.

I rarely do unless I find I have some connection with them - like the military. It still brings up painful memories and emotions on occasion.

That is also the reason I don't get on the boards every day. But, being a couple years further down the path than you, I feel like maybe I can share something that will help. I hope.

Hey JR,
Sorry I didn't write back sooner - but I'm glad you got some great feedback (as always) from Michelle. I was out of town for while visiting my son and friends - and just trying to work on taking better care of myself.

I think it's wonderful that you'll get to spend those 7 days with your boys. Last year I ended up celebrating Christmas on Thanksgiving - since I had both of my boys home with me for that holiday - but not for Christmas.

As for your W's trip...that is interesting - and I think it's great that you acted and continue to act as if - and just do what you feel is right in response to her request.

Do you find that as you work on yourself more you discover more patience in yourself? I know you've been waiting for a long time - but sometimes it seems like that's just what is most necessary for a relationship to heal.

You sound good, btw.

-Carlos.

Haven't posted for awhile. Trying to GAL, find things to do. I know it would help to spread my wings and be with other people. But after work and working out, I'm plain tired physically and mentally. I just don't have the strenght to link up with other folks and engage in other GAL activities. So I usually stay home reading or watching some TV.

Still maintaining my phone schedule with the boys. On the days when I don't call, we text each other or send emails. I usually call my W's cell phone to talk with the boys, and my W is usually good at getting them on the phone to talk with Dad.

Haven't talked with the W for a good week. I don't force the issue. Last time I talked with her, I just asked how she was doing, how school was. Just told her I hope all was well. Then said goodbye first. I just wanted to test the waters I guess.
But I understand the need to detach and allow time for my W to ponder and get herself out of her fog of war, if that's what she's doing.

I am stressing a bit as the holiday season approaches. I just rejoice in seeing the boys the last week of DEC.

JR

Hey Buddy,

GAL is important. What town do you live in? Do you ski?