Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need a WAW point of view

My Stitch real quick: Me and wife didn't communicate well and that led to problems with intimacy. She tried to change for me but didn't get the response she was looking for. More of the same actions same result I reckon. After bomb was dropped I woke up but it was too late. She has moved out for two weeks now. Wants to remain amicible towards each other and we are splitting time with the kids 50/50.

She told me that we never had any passion in our marriage. I thought she didn't like sex and she thought wasn't attracted to her. This led to a low sex life.

Again after the bomb, we finally started to communicate our feelings about the topic but in her mind she already decided she needed to 'move on'.
I accepted her decision and she moved out 11/1. I have been working on changing me over the past month. I have read DR, Men/Mar W/Venus and have learned so much about relationships.
I have been coming here to learn about others and for support.

Here's where I need some help:
I have the kids Saturday afternoon until Tuesday night when I drop them off at her place. I tell the kids D5, S2 I will not be going in mommy's place and to give me a hug & kiss before they enter. I am heart broken leaving them while she is overjoyed to see them. I don't think we say hello b/cshe chats with the kids right away. This is the only time I get to see her. The last three exchanges have been just that, exchanges. There is no conversation or good byes.

Will this change over time?

I am executing the LRT and the 180.
I had a phone session with DB last weekend and they keep me on track mentally.
Lastly, if a WAW says there was never any passion in 8 years is it possible to reconnect?? Is she saying this to distance herself and is in the wait and see what I do mode?

I have been changing. But need more help. Thanks

Trying to mind read or speculate about a WAS is really a fruitless endeavor. WAS's tend to say what they need to say to justify their decision to leave and they tend to re-write history to support their cause.

Anything is possible but there isn't a set timeline nor are there any guarantees. What is possible and a guarantee is if you are willing its essential you focus on you and the betterment of your life.

The WAS will try and convince you to see things their way with equal vigor as the LBS tries to convince the WAS to see things their way. Its a pointless battle to continue or speculate about.

As far as a WAS is concerned, the wheel was invented too late and it was all YOUR fault. Pay no mind to anything "you did wrong" when it is being said.

$.02

Thanks CG My biggest downfall is over analyzing everything. I try to make sense of every action she takes.
I have been working on myself and other people have noticed. I guess that's why I'm trying to get some reaction from my WAW.
I just have to think about the castle and picnic analogy.
I have that written on my chalk board in the kitchen, along with Patience.

Another Q- If my W was so gung ho on working on the marriage 6 months ago and I didn't know what she was doing, why is she's taking this approach now that I know our issues?

Could she just need time alone to figure it out?

I know what we need now. ugh.

Is she using negativity to get a reaction from me?

There's another guy. Sorry to break the news to you, but it's always the case when they do this. If you check into it, you'll find out. But only look into it if you can handle what you find.

Who knows! The more you stop trying to figure her out the better off you will be.

Many WAS's will try and pull you back to the unhealthy dynamic that was a contributing factor to the demise of your marriage. As twisted as that sounds, married couples often live in conflict or conflict avoidance for so long it is the only way they know how to relate to one another.

The only way to stop that very unhealthy dynamic is to simply cease from participating. My H and I are now legally separated and he still tries to pull me back to that unhealthy dynamic as it is what he knows. Now that I don't react to it all he really has no idea how to communicate with me and he is still doing the same things he has done for a decade plus... assuming he knows what is going on in my head, not validating, making excuses and justifications and basically showing me he hasn't changed a bit. Well, maybe he has changed but he simply cannot apply those changes to the way he communicates with me.

You can read thread after thread on this site or any other site that is about R/divorces and the same advice is doled out - you will not figure out the WAS so stop trying. It takes too much energy and it's all wasted. Instead, refocus on you.

Everything you said sounds just like me. My H has been 'working on his feelings' for two years now but just informed me when about the truth when he left. I have also changed and others have noticed but there is still the coldness between us. We need to join over-analyzers anonymous!

Anyway, just hang in there and keep doing for you. You can only control your life. If she comes back YAY! If she doesn't someone out there will see the amazing person you are/are becoming.

Thanks GA,
I need to come here on Tuesdays when I'm angry. It is settling to the soul hearing others POV. I feel good about myself, I lost 30lbs in this ordeal. Patience, Patience , Patience!.
I am good at giving others advice but have difficulties following my own words.

I'm with CG's stance on things. After more than a year and half of being seperated, Xw's affaris going on for who knows how long and 6 months of being D'd, my XW knows no other way to communicate other than hate, blame, angst, and anger.

I on the other hand, don't care anymore. I know I'm not at full fault. And I know that rehashing the past is pointless.

So we don't speak. Period.

the longer you try and mindread your spouse, the more stuck you'll be for a longer duration of time. Give it up, you can't read a mind that can't read it's self.