@ rocked & Dusk: you have to realize that at times you are not talking to the person you love(d), you are talking to the FOG. That's why you work on yourself, you can't control if it lifts, but part of working on the M is "as if" it will lift.
Ah I have not journaled on my sitch for some time and was thinking about it ... this is part of my thinking recently too, maybe I'll take the plunge today.
btw just noticed ... you are in the pacific northwest?
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Hi Cutter, Hope you are doing well. Some of the other suggestions for grounding my C made:
having an object that you keep with you at all times that has positive associations that you can touch (eg. I use a seashell, reminds me of the calming ocean waves and also positive memories).
Also, breathing exercises where you place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly and allow yourself to breath deeply into your belly while allowing the hand on your heart to remind yourself that you love yourself.
Another that is kinda funny but can work: keep strong mints or even cough drops with you... the strong taste as well as how it makes you "feel" your breathing... tends to ground you.
The whole concept of grounding is that when we are emotionally overwhelmed our brain goes into crisis mode (fight or flight). We can't think rationally when in crisis mode.
But, when we get in touch with our senses (taste, touch, smell, sight, sound) it "wakes" up the part of our brain that helps us engage in rational thought again and that soothes our emotions.
Hi Deep, I'll have to stop by your thread if you have updated it...
I know you are right about that darn fog! grrr.... but, it is what it is... and I like your take on "acting as if" it will lift! that is an encouraging thought.
About my location... I am choosing to be deliberately vague about it... hope you understand...
Thanks Gardener! I do feel better after C session. Hope you are having a good evening!
Good glad to hear it. My evening, like most has been on this board tonight. With selling house, work schedule, funds low and upcoming brutal work sched Thanksgiving thru end of January, this board and you good people are my temporary GAL for now!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
H came home at 8:30 last night on a night he had to "work". lol that is a 180 for him!
BUT... made a point of telling me he still is "leaning" towards separation and doesn't want to "take too long" for us to look at that.
What did Rocked do?
STOOD MY GROUND, people. I stood my ground.
I told H again last night, in no uncertain terms that I will not agree to a separation at this point. I told him that I continue to choose this M and if he chooses to move out that is HIS choice and his alone to own to our kids and everyone else. H got a bit agitated and said, "I knew this would end up being about YOU and my issues that I am struggling with would get lost." OMG did I have to bite my tongue! And, I did. I remained calm and said, "I will be more than happy to help you sort out your issues, but not with OW in the picture. As long as she is in your life, then my focus is on what is best for our M and my stand is non-negotiable."
H got really quiet. Then said, "I don't know what I want." I said, "I know you don't. And I don't think you will be able to figure that out with OW in the picture."
H said, "You are awfully nice to someone who has betrayed you." I said, "It is not about being nice, it is about doing what is right."
I know H did not sleep well last night. I did.
Today... still feeling strong. Little fingers of anxiety keep wanting to creep up on me, but I have managed to keep them at bay. I keep breathing deeply, and grounding myself. I know H is in very regular contact with OW... I just know. He has made comments in the past few days about feeling pressured by her, which I think is why he keeps bringing up the separation. I am being firm, but not pressuring (at least I think I am accomplishing that..?) I know my H well enough to know that if she keeps that up, it will be a death sentence to that R.
One thing I am debating about... I think the timing is right for me one of these days to pull a surprise... H comes home and I am just not there... I am out. I can then be vague.. just took time for myself, out with friends, etc. But, since we talked with the kids the other night, I feel they are needing me around, so have been focused on them. Feeling torn... just sorting that one out.
I told H again last night, in no uncertain terms that I will not agree to a separation at this point. I told him that I continue to choose this M and if he chooses to move out that is HIS choice and his alone to own to our kids and everyone else. H got a bit agitated and said, "I knew this would end up being about YOU and my issues that I am struggling with would get lost." OMG did I have to bite my tongue! And, I did. I remained calm and said, "I will be more than happy to help you sort out your issues, but not with OW in the picture. As long as she is in your life, then my focus is on what is best for our M and my stand is non-negotiable."
H got really quiet. Then said, "I don't know what I want." I said, "I know you don't. And I don't think you will be able to figure that out with OW in the picture."
H said, "You are awfully nice to someone who has betrayed you." I said, "It is not about being nice, it is about doing what is right."
Count is now 2-2 on RW after battling back in the count. H looks in for the pitch, shakes off a couple of signs now goes into his windup. Looks like a curveball that is hanging over the plate, RW turns on the pitch, looks and sounds like she got all of that one. It's going deep to left field, back, back BaCK, BACK, BACK!! It's outta here.
RW has really developed as a hitter, she used to react to the pitches. Now she seems to really be seeing the ball, almost like she knows what the pitch is going to be.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I told H again last night, in no uncertain terms that I will not agree to a separation at this point. I told him that I continue to choose this M and if he chooses to move out that is HIS choice and his alone to own to our kids and everyone else. H got a bit agitated and said, "I knew this would end up being about YOU and my issues that I am struggling with would get lost." OMG did I have to bite my tongue! And, I did. I remained calm and said, "I will be more than happy to help you sort out your issues, but not with OW in the picture. As long as she is in your life, then my focus is on what is best for our M and my stand is non-negotiable."
H got really quiet. Then said, "I don't know what I want." I said, "I know you don't. And I don't think you will be able to figure that out with OW in the picture."
H said, "You are awfully nice to someone who has betrayed you." I said, "It is not about being nice, it is about doing what is right."
I know H did not sleep well last night. I did.
I bow in the presence of a master. :bow:
That, as the kids like to say, is how it is done.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
RDW, I really admire the way you are handling your sitch. Bravo!! Thank you for sharing those grounding tips. Those are wonderful. Your thread has become a must-read for me lately, I get such great advice from you & others posting. You are controlling all that you can control - yourself - and doing it in the classiest, most dignified way possible. You are awesome - keep it up!! I'm cheering for you! Hope you are feeling fabulous again, because you are!
