Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

I'm going to book store tonight to try to pick up several suggested ones, as well as the DB book(s) as well. I know I've got a lot of reading/studying to do before I fully understand these principles and methods.

I just don't know how to approach the financial situation. Do I let her know that unless she's willing to return, she will no longer receive any financial support whatsoever? Am I just supposed to cut her off completely and let her wallow in her decision to leave? Won't being that callous to her situation just make matters worse? I understand that she needs to accept and own the consequences of her choices, but I can't even begin to decide how to present the financial cut-off without coming across as vengeful or as a way to "blackmail" her into coming back home.

She's mostly on generic drugs now, so the meds are pretty cheap. She would be able to afford them even with a low-paying job. In fact, she usually ends up making more than they cost, since she ends up selling some of her extras to friends at street prices. It's another thing I'm not crazy about, but it's been her only "income" to bring in a few extra $$ spending money. She has at least shared some of her Xanax with me. Without them, I wouldn't have slept for the past 2 weeks and I'd be in much worse shape physically than I am now.

But, you're right about the cell phone. To continue paying for another year would cost me more than the penalty. She wouldn't be completely left out in the cold there, since she still has her not-so "secret phone" active. I still have full access to both phone's records (she doesn't even know the passwords), but have not looked at them since she left. It was turning me into a raving lunatic and I can't deal with being that suspicious with such little information (can only see when and who she texted/talked to, but not what was said).

I'm really feeling like I'm losing it right now. I know that some HUGE decisions must be made by me soon, but I don't want to make one that prematurely puts the nail in the R/M coffin.

CC ~

Let me let you in on a little secret...

Bi-polar is not an excuse for bad behavior, the bad behavior is a symptom of the disease.

I have had this for over 20 years and to be honest there have been times that I used it as an excuse for my actions.

If your W is on the correct medication, she should have no spending sprees, extramarital affairs, racing thoughts etc...

Generic or not, the meds should be curtailing the symptoms, not aggravating them.

The fact that she is smoking dope, which is a huge no-no especially with the meds she is on, as well as selling her meds is a big worry to me.

Selling her meds means she isn't taking them correctly - She should have no leftovers if she is taking them as prescribed.

Agreed. The behavior is merely the symptom of the disease, but the disease is no excuse for the behavior.

Despite years of medicines, I still don't believe that they do much for the disease. They do help with some of the symptoms, particularly the anxiety and depression, but seem to do nothing for the manic episodes. A big part of it is probably not even the disease, but rather her inability to "grow up" and "act like a responsible adult", which she is particularly struggling with as she turned 36 and is looking back at what she has(n't) done with her life.

I take partial blame for this, as I've enabled her to get away with it for so many years. I am nearly 9 years older than her, so I've always gone out of my way to not try and be a "father" to her. In doing this, I've probably swung the other direction too far and provided to little direction/restrictions/guidelines that might have forced her to be more responsible throughout our R.

The dope smoking could be argued from both sides. Outside of the lack of motivation that it sometimes causes, I would much rather her interact her meds with pot than with something like alcohol, which she rarely uses. It does seem to have an anti-anxiety effect on her. I'd personally like to see her kick EVERYTHING and go clean for a bit, just to see just what her symptoms would be after all these years. I'm sure that's not going to happen, but I have to wonder what she'd be like "clean-slate". She wasn't on any meds (other than pot) when I met her. The meds didn't start until she started having crippling anxiety attacks a few years into our R.

The selling of the meds is something I'm not happy about either. It's not that she doesn't take them as prescribed, but rather that most of her prescriptions are "Take 1-2 a day" or "As needed". She has found that she can make it on the minimum of these drugs, and ends up with some extra (not a lot) at the end of each month.

I'd like to believe that the right combination of prescription drugs, taken as prescribed, would somehow resolve all the symptoms of her BP nature. I just haven't seen anything that seems to do that...and believe me, she's tried just about everything available throughout the years.

Thanks to everyone giving me their thoughts. I'm using this forum as journal/venting/cry for help as much as anything. I really don't expect anyone to have concrete answers for our problems, but it's good to hear others' opinions/thoughts. I'm looking into getting myself a C, but this helps right now, as I don't really have anyone that I can talk to that doesn't have some type of bias (parents, family, friends, etc.), particularly if they heard all the details that I've presented here in this anonymous environment.

You know, even the people that Ive dealt with who use medication exclusively to control Bipolar symptoms really dont have that much success. It takes some real dedication from them to decide that they dont want to be sick anymore, and a really good therapist to provide some cognitive behavioral therapy.

If I were you, I would also start learning as much as you can about this, there is some evidence that it can be inherited, so you could start looking out for it in your kid, and be better equipped to help him if it does manifest. Not to mention being in a place to help your W more effectively.

Took s7 to the library last night to get out of the house, and attempt to find some of the books I wanted to read. Was very disappointed that the only books they had were how to proceed with a divorce, but no anti-divorce books (or even books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy"). Still, it filled the evening, and s loved the visit.

W came over to see s7 got on the bus this morning. Kept it light with no R talk. She's obviously noticing some of the db things I'm excercising. She mentioned that "You know you can call me." before I left. I simply told her "Same here." She got up and hugged/kissed me before I walked out. Said that yesterday's C meeting went pretty well, with them discussing what things were here highest anxiety sources. Self-esteem, not so much physically, but rather actions (inaction) was near the top of her list. She is starting a job today that isn't the best paying or even anything that she really wants to do, but she's taking it anyway to have something going while she continues to look for a better job. She recognizes the financial bind we're in, and seems determined to get something going, regardless of what the job is. Due to her new hours, I had to make arrangements with a neighbor to make sure s is safe when he gets off the bus in the afternoons until I get home from work about an hour later, but she at least let me know early last night, so I wasn't making arrangements at the last minute.

W still telling me ILY every time we talk. I do respond back.

CC.

Yes stop being the father. It is demeaning to your W. She wants to be treated like a grown up. If she is anything like my W, she does not want to be thought of as handicaped. She wants to be thought of as someone just as capable of making decissions as anyone else, especially from her partner. And do you want to be her father or husband?

Believe me, she can make good decissions and it becomes a feedback loop. My W is feeling better now, not because the meds are working (she stopped taking them), but because she says she is making better decissions. She ended up making these better decissions on her own. It was not without a lot of pain and suffering on both our parts, but over that time both my W and I have come to a better understaning of ourselves, each other, and our relationship.

Your W wants to be independent. Allow her that independence, both the freedom and responsibility. She should not get one without the other. I would also suggest not being physical (i.e. hugs or kisses) until she realizes that OM must go.

The IC is a great idea. My IC helped a lot.

Take care

Maybe my comment about acting like her father was misunderstood. I've always gone out of my way to NOT act "fatherly" to her. I've always tried to treat her like a grown up and let her make her own choices/decisions and let her make her own mistakes and learn the lessons from them. I want to be her husband, not her Dad. I've always considered her my partner and equal, and have avoided treating her as handicapped or unable to make her own decisions.

That said, after the PA was revealed, I did question her decisions and started worrying that she would continue to make the wrong ones. Still, I tried to give her as much rope as she needed (to hang herself?), and kept the majority of my concerns to myself. Were there occasional jealous outbursts...of course. I think that's typical when you've been betrayed like this. But, overall, I did my best to show that I was doing my best to regain my trust in her and still allowed her freedom. This continued until I found out about her continuing a secret friendship with OM, and she left the day I confronted her about it.

It would be hard to refuse her requests for a hug/kiss. I guess it's going to force me to have a discussion with her about her R with OM and let her know that as long as she's still in contact with him, even as a friend, we can no longer have that type of physical contact. Really seems counter-intuitive to me...but I'm trying to wrap my head around these reverse-psychology type methods.

I didn't say it would be easy.



It's not reverse-psychology. It is a boundary. Do you feel your marriage is safe as long as she has a relationship with him? Don't you deserve to feel secure in your marriage? Respect yourself and tell her that I will not share my marriage with another man. It is not about hurting her, it is about respecting yourself. She may take it that way and get angry, but when she reflects on it she will respect your decission to respect yourself.

Read Coach's thread on boundaries. Also read what Puppy (Puppy Dog Tails), Robx, and Coach wrote me and others battling affairs. They have great advice.

Well said Tristan

Thank you Serenity. By the way, here is the link to the boundaries thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179&page=1