repentance is asking for forgiveness, but it goes beyond that. At least according to my pastor and others of my faith. Because you don't just say, "I'm sorry, forgive me". If you are repentant you say, "I'm sorry, please forgive me, and I want to to what I can to make things right with you."
In some cases, there is only so much you can do. For example if someone commits murder, they cannot bring the person back to life. But they can write a letter of apology to the family, they can speak to others about their mistake (for example if they killed someone while in a gang, they can talk to teens about not joining the gang lifestyle--if they killed someone for drug money, they can go talk to other addicts,) etc.
In most of our cases, it means that the person who left has to own their own stuff (not that we were perfect!). It means they also must admit to the need to do work. They must desire to do work. Not just show up and try to pick up where they left off...
BBJ, I guess in the context of Kalni's paragraph the word repentance means to ask for forgiveness. What your pastor is saying is that repentance without true restorative actions is empty. Perhaps this is the dilemma for so many of us as LBS. Our S's can say they are sorry and can ask for forgiveness but until we actually witness those restorative actions the repentance is still empty and without meaning. Kalni, perhaps this is your dilemma?
I think repentance is more than "just" asking for forgiveness. I think it includes "owning" the "wrong", and promising to do your best not to repeat it.
It sounds to me that you are not sure enough of your H to think he won't repeat what he has done. You do not seem convinced that he is truly repentant either.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, I doubt I will ever be sure he wont do it again... He hasnt said he loves me yet!! I know it may sound childish but it is serious for me.
He told me last night he doenst get what he is doing or not doing. I sent him that emial saying I kind of agree with his words of 3 years ago, "We are not a good match".... K
Once the trust has been broken to that extent, of course its going to be hard to feel secure again and not always have those doubts. My bf was 1/2 late in last night, my mind wondered a little where he was... I guess it pays to never get 100% complacent in any relationship.
After the way he has acted, it ought to be HIM that worries you will one day tire of him and decide to start a new R. He should be the insecure one. As I was after my EA/PA years ago. And I was right. This type of behaviour breeds oodles of resentment that left to fester, can perpetuate and you end up doing what they did to you, in a funny sort of way.
This time around, we talk it all through (as we did again last night). We are more open and honest and time really does lessen the blows, especially the memories.
As for forgiveness, yes he needs to say he's sorry and ACT sorry too. It isnt childish for you to be upset he doesnt tell you he loves you. Thats the most basic thing in a relationship. You could say to him, the fact he doesnt say it makes you assume he doesnt love you? Unless he can give you a reason why he doesnt say it? (guilt, fear, etc) xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hope your day is going well and I hope Greece loses today in the Ukraine, so this summer you will not have to deal with the World Cup....
I agree wholeheartedly that your H is not doing what it takes to restore your faith in him....to help rebuild your confidence as a friend, wife and lover. I told you privately and maybe here as well that I do not understand his inability to turn it up a notch (Love Languages nothwithstanding). We are all humans, part of the animal kingdom and some things don't lie.
Having said all that, I am having difficulty understanding your need to regularly send him e-mails that can do nothing to improve your situation.
<<I sent him that emial saying I kind of agree with his words of 3 years ago, "We are not a good match"....>>
What possible good can come out of rehashing something he said three years ago (what happened to believe half of what they say or whatever?) and sending it to him while he is freezing his a$$ off in the Ukraine? Are any of these e-mails (and or phone messages) going to get you any closer to your goal? I understand the need to get things off your chest, to express yourself, to be open. Some things however, are better left unsaid. Say them here, say them to your friends, tell your parents...but please stop sending him these e-mails.
