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Thanks Steve, I'm anxious about what to expect. I don't drink at all, as you say: a better puker. I should have asked more about the process when I called today. I do understand that there may be time after the meeting to talk to individuals that can guide me.

Yes, I'm considering filing, and I already saw a lawyer.
I think our problems have been very hidden from everyone outside the M. It's only now dawning on me that D17 and S13 are aware of the problems.


I think both my kids are still very attached to M, although they are angry with her. She's has been a devoted mother excluding issues with her BPD(which includes the drinking). I guess part of my problem is that I don't really know how to tell how severe this is. I hope the alanon meeting will give me more perspective. maybe I'm still in denial about all this.



Yes, I can't see this continuing. I've got a little time I think. W leaves for other side of the country in a week, and will be gone for all of thanksgiving week. Me and the kids will have thanksgiving to ourselves. I can fit in a few alanon meetings, and talk to the lawyer again about my options.

thank you so much for your 2 cents.

Hang in there, A. And come here if you need to vent.

You can do this. Failure isn't an option. Your family needs a hero right now, and it's obviously not going to be your wife.

Puppy

Awoken,

Just ran across your thread and I cannot help but offer my opinion. Take it as you will.

I had a drinking problem. It contributed to the problems in my marriage for a time.

I’m geeky sort. I actually like to do research. So, when I admitted to myself that I had a problem, I started doing research to find an answer. What I found was very surprising.

Alcoholics Anonymous doesn’t report much in the way of statistics. But other entities have done research on the effectiveness of different programs. At best estimate, AA has a 95% failure rate. That’s right. Know it’s hard to believe. How can that be?

AA is huge and has been around forever. It’s a household name and everyone identifies with it. About 1.5 million people pass through AA ever year. So, even at a 5% success rate, that’s about 80,000 people saying, “AA saved me!” That’s a big chunk of folks, eh? Enough to be very convincing and hide the fact that the other 95% failed using their methods.

Among others, there are two primary reasons why the AA method fails. The first is removal of individual responsibility; “We admit that we were powerless over alcohol”. This is a victim mentality. It says, “I can’t control myself”. If you don’t have control over yourself, who does? This is a recipe for failure.

Second, is that notion that “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. If you take one drink, you’re doomed”. The world isn’t perfect and no human being is perfect. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; “Well, I slipped and had a drink. Guess I’m screwed. Bartender! Gimme a double!” A sure-fire recipe for failure. I could go on and on.

I would recommend Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS) if there is a chapter in your area. Failing that, find a therapist who employs Cognitive Emotional Therapy (worked for me), which has proven to be very successful. But whatever you do, DON’T DRINK THE AA BREW! IT’S POISON!

Yes, it is never a good situation to see a parent leave the house as a child but sometimes it's the only alternative. A parent spiraling out of control with mental illness (dad had severe depression) is quite scary for kids. I was 12 when my mother insisted he leave. He was homeless- slept in a van for a few days, then at the Y and then went to a psych ward. I think the fact that he really had no alternative (jobless, homeless) nudged him to go in for help.
Yes, I loved my dad very dearly and knew that he was crazy in love with me and my sister. Honestly it was the only thing keeping him going- his love for his kids. But, the drama, the upset, the rages, the actual terrifying fear of what in the world was going to happen next. The screaming match they had every night. Seeing my mother crying constantly and my father sitting in the living room every night with the lights off just smoking a cigarette. The tag teaming my sister and I did to try to console each parent. My sister would tend to my crying mother. I would go to my dad and try to say some positive words (he would saying nothing to me- would scare the crap out of me).

Just as kids you see it all and know more than parents realize and you feel so helpless. You try and do whatever you can to help the situation. We would always demand our parents hug each other and tell us that they love each other (silly, I know we were just kids)


But to not have the worry and anxiety and worry that the parent with mental illness is not going to upset the other parent and the walking on eggshells. It just starts taking a serious toll on kids, IMO. If you kids are already discussing her Bipolar and it's affecting them.....


I excerpted this from your earlier post. This stuck out to me in a big way:

D17 tells me this morning about her frustration with W; I'm trying to be careful and not put her in the middle. it's heartbreaking for me because she is clearly trying to carry the burden of all this all by herself and keeps telling me she will be just fine. she tells me she knows "mom is bi-polar" and that her and S13 talked about it lastnight and he knows too. She says shes known since she was 12 or 13, because she we blow up at them for no reason. I've discussed it with her once, a year ago when she seemed to be blaming her mothers fury on herself. there just seemed no way around it, but she now says she's known for much longer. she asked if she needs to watch out for her drinking (sob!).

I believe you stated your daughter was in counseling but is your son?

That's not accurate; http://hindsfoot.org/recout01.pdf I would hate to discourage anyone from AA. My 2 family members are alcoholics and both have been sober now for about 20 years. One of my immediate family members is alcoholic and BPD. He attended numerous rehabs and treatment programs, some for several months long, but AA is what finally worked for him. I would highly recommend it.

It sounds like you are really doing well. I think sometimes it's easy for us to stay in denial about a problem, but you've realized the problem and are becoming proactive. I do think you should not rush into anything, and seek the guidance of alanon and your lawyer. I think this is such a serious problem, that it is wise to seek counsel and form a plan.

Me too. My mom and aunt have both been sober for over 35 years, with ZERO relapses!! I don't always buy into their "victim/powerless" stuff, but they gave me my Mom back, and for that I will be forever grateful and THANKFUL.

Puppy

He's not. He doesn't want to talk about it much at all. He appears to be handling the sitch by trying to improve himself as much as possible, likely to help save the M. After D17 told me she had been talking to him about W BSD, I asked him how he was doing and said I knew we were going through tough times. He said he had his "own unique philosophy for coping", and that if he just waited a couple of months, everything would end up for the better. I did call his school counselor and tell her what is going on.

Thanks June for your detailed replies about your personal experiences; its so helpful.