Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? At a loss about my sitch - Need advice and support

Ah, yes, limbo!

If he is still in an A and lying, it might not be time to try to make a plan for reconnecting that involves him. The way I am reading it, I think it is too early for consequences, he will just run away.

Do you think he really understands the affairs? Do you think he really wants to stop?

Hi Jeff. Thank you for your input.

His A has been over for the three months and, yes, I am sure of that. He has been in withdrawal, but I don't know to what extent at this point and I don't want to ask. He has been in counseling since they broke up (I get the EOBs so I know he is going regularly) and for the first time is being honest with his counselor and me. He has told me things about the A and his feelings which he knows are painful for me to hear and that is a first. He is also very different this time. He is feeling and addressing his emotions for the first time in his life.

He came over and we had the best talk we have ever had. We talked at length about mistakes we made in our R, how we were feeling, etc. He never felt loved as a child or a young adult, so he starting seeking something to fill the emptiness inside him. Hence, the affairs. He wondered if "this is all there is" in our marriage and I wondered the same thing. However, I turned to the marriage and he turned away from it. We didn't make it a priority and eventually just became roommates. We rarely fought (which we now realize wasn't good) and he realizes now that he just bobbed along the water instead of speaking up. He just went along with things and let his resentment fester, in every aspect of his life.

He believes he won't cheat again and hates that he hurt so many people. He apologized to my sister. Says he wants a healthy, happy marriage, preferably with me. But I don't think he knows how he feels about me, whether he loves me or not. He is deathly afraid of things going back to the way they there, as am I! But I said we are different now, we realize things now, and we are working on ourselves. The old marriage is dead as it should be. This is the most open and sharing I have ever seen him.

He is going to talk with his counselor tonight about an action plan. However, we discussed that he needs to focus on fixing himself right now and he said his plate is full with that. I only hope that after he works on himself he realizes we were great together once and could be even better again. It is rare that things can turn around, but it does happen. He also said he wants to come back for the right reasons, not due to financial concerns. I decided not to date anyone else since it won't help me or us.

What a difference a day makes. H says he never gave me a chance. He never really opened his heart to me. He still would go back to the latest OW if she would have him. Why is it that he could never let me go if I wasn't in his heart? He said we always have fun together, but I presume he had fun with them as well. I texted him that if all he sees in me is having fun, then we are done.

Update: H says his heart is open for the first time...ever. He wants to want me and love me, but he doesn't. He wants to want to touch, kiss me, but he just doesn't want to. He is willing to try, however. That is the good news. I don't know how to go about drawing him back. It hurts so much to know that he doesn't love me and possibly never has. It also hurts to know his heart belongs to someone else.

He told me I am great and beautiful, but I am not the most beautiful, wonderful, exciting person he has ever met. The latest OW is. I know I need a PMA and I am trying to GAL, but what else can I do? Has anyone experienced this?

I need input from my fellow DBers. My H wants contact, attention, etc., but that goes against all the DB principles. Also, if I detach, he will most likely give up. Any suggestions? He is in love with a fantasy, but to him she was reality. Their relationship was built on lies and she dumped him at the first sign of a problem, but he still wants and misses her. What do I do? My faith and hope are dwindling.