Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

(((Rocked)))

I just finished reading you thread and I would say I put your H at about the same age as mine - 16 on a good day.

I won't add to your sitch since I see you have my favorite mentor here already guiding you -

Can't go wrong with Puppy and I would recommend you listen to him -

Think of him as Yoda.

I am so sorry about your second bomb being so recent however I agree, once you "know" instead of suspect, it does in a sadistic, twisted way feel better -

At least then you know you aren't crazy.

Thank you for visiting my thread tonight with your kind words -

I wish you a wonderful, peaceful slumber tonight.

I leave you with this:

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Thanks so much Serenity!

You have given me a good chuckle for the evening... picturing our friend Puppy as a mix between an adorable yellow lab and Yoda...haha

I appreciate the scripture you posted. That is something I am going to focus on for the next few days.

As an aside...
H spending lots of time at home since bomb2. Guilt? Fear? Possiblity sincere? who knows....

Anyway... tonight he is surfing websites of places to move to accross the country and points out homes that he knows would be of particular interest to me, saying things like "wouldn't it be great to live somewhere like that?" WTF?
I tell ya the man is messing with my mind.

Oh well, one day at a time....

Hi Rocked

I dont secretly call my H "teddy boy" for nothing, he was always throwing his teddies out of his pram!, at the beginning when he was obviously asserting his new found power, it was like dealing with my own son aged 14! Trouble when youve got lads that age or that have gone past that age is so hard not to laugh at H when you see the similarities, although it does take a bit of the hurt off the situation if you can see that they are struggling with stuff just like they did as boys!

As for surfing places to go, one boundary I have kept is I dont mind moving around where I live but Im not moving anywhere else, its my good friends here that have supported me whilst he has been doing his best Teddy impression and now Im not giving them up for him. I used to say I'd follow him anywhere as long as they had a good shower, I have my own horse so Im constantly in the shower a good one is a MUST!

Take care of yourself first then you can give out the spare you later! ((RW))

Yeah, well, so long as Puppy gets his tummy rubbed, there won't be any trouble . . .

Yes, you are a good puppy dog....

Hi Rabbit,
I think that is a good way of looking at it sometimes. I really do feel I have three teenagers in the house and one launched out of the nest.

I think that H is becoming very scared of the likely soon-coming consequences as word will inevitably get out. It seems that there may be more people (as is always the case, isn't it?) that picked up something "wrong" between H and OW and there has been talk for some time. So, I think the surfing around for places to live is some desperate attempt to escape the inevitable. I didn't say much, because at this point I don't even know if I would be willing to move down the street with him let alone across the country.

I would really like some DB community input on the question of the day: to separate or not to separate.

I have managed to slow down H's initial decision to do that right away. I know DBing is harder when separated.

But.... would it not force him to take more responsibility? He would have to explain to our kids as well as others why he moved out. At this point the kids don't know anything. He is still acting like the devoted family man.

And... sometimes I think it would be easier on me emotionally to set boundaries and detach if I am not constantly dealing with the "sham" of what appears to be a normal marriage but isn't.

Is it a cop out? It would mean less accountability to me. He could be continuing contact with OW with less liklihood I would know. Although it is his sister he is moving in with and she supports my DB approach. She would tell me if he didn't come home one night or something.

Help.... I am confused! And, H and I will be discussing this so i need to have some firm sense of what I feel is best and reasons to explain my position.

thanks!

I am not really sure you have to explain your position to your H. Granted, I have not read your entire thread but I feel its a safe guess that your H is clear that you would prefer to work on the marriage. So, if your H does not share that same desire AND has a OW (even if the R with the OW is falling apart) what exactly is there to explain?

I would simply say "H, my desire to work on our marriage has been well noted and while I would prefer a different outcome, the time has come for ME to make some changes so I can move forward with MY life. I will no longer tolerate you living here while you are having a R with OW, its disrespectful to me and the children. If your choice is to carry on with OW and not work on the marriage then you must move out as this is no longer a healthy environment for ME and OUR children to live in".

The "less accountability" thought process you have is troubling to me along with the idea that your sister in law will "keep tabs" on him and report back. To me that says you are not detached and you are using the separation for reasons that could really backfire on you.

You need to be able to set boundaries and detach no matter where your H lives - at the family home or in his own apartment. In fact, you will be much stronger during the duration of your separation if you can learn to do that BEFORE the physical act of separating takes place. I do agree that when a WAS isn't around all the time it does sort of propel you forward but it certainly isn't the tool you should use to detach and set boundaries.

As I said, IMO there is nothing to discuss. If he doesn't want to work on the M and he is vested in a R with OW then only you can decide if you are comfortable having your H live in the family home under those circumstances. I didn't allow it.

In my case (which worked for ME and not necessarily my M) I made the choice FOR my H. You don't want to be married, you don't want to explore what we could rebuild and you want OW then you need to leave. I helped him pack and we hugged goodbye and that was it. This was in April of 2008 and our legal separation papers will be filed tomorrow along with out divorce case being dismissed. My H is still with OW (not a good R at all, she is needy and jealous and demanding and clingy) and he has a fantasy that he and I will get to know one another again and the legal separation will "wipe our slate clean". He is welcome to have any fantasy he likes, I just won't be a part of it.

Do what is best for YOU not what is best for your H. With all due respect your H has has OW, you, the happy family home and thus far has suffered no consequences. You on the other hand have suffered them all.

Rocked,Pls go see SpyBunny even if you don't know entire sitch.
Needs help.

Hahaha, I just could not stop an image of a solemn dog mouthing: "Do or not do, there is no try".

Whatever the case, you sound much better this last week, rocked. There are few easy or simple decisions in sitches. Separating or not, you have to let the consequences of what H is doing come home to roost with him, I think that's essentially what CG is saying. You think he's scared now, wait till it really starts to dawn on him.

OK Deep you are going to have to fill me in on that reference of the solemn dog....movie character??

Yes, you and CG are correct about that. Just had a good long chat with my sister too about the same thing. The decisions I make from this point on I have to make for ME. The kids factor in to a huge extent, of course, but ultimately I have to take care of ME so I can take care of them.

BTW, for anyone interested... H got woken up this a.m. to a good blasting from me that went on for a good 40 min. I don't know what happened... I was the first one up in the house, making coffee, tidying kitchen, putting in a load of laundry, and started to think about the lies.... next thing I know I am telling him he better wake up and he better listen. Let me tell you folks, that he did! I got a whole lot off my chest and felt damn good. He listened, apologized, listened, apologized some more. I then said I couldn't be around him for ahwile and busied myself around the house. Well, wouldn't you know the kitchen got scrubbed by H like he never has done before in 19 years of marriage and I was then invited on a long walk with the dogs. That was actually a very productive time and we had some good conversations about boundaries I am setting, how much I can tolerate, things he is still confused about and trying to sort out, etc. After that, he helped me make supper (something he never does) and we sat down with the kids to eat (which he hardly has done in months) and H asked the kids all kinds of questions about school, friends, etc. (as he has been so checked out of their lives he had no idea). H also brought up some fun family memories with the kids and we had some good laughs together.
H went to play hockey tonight. This has typically been a time he would go to see OW after his game, but hugged me when he left and said he would be coming right home after game. We'll see... not holding my breath.

But...let's just say Rocked is not taking any more sh*^. And, H clearly knows it now.
Oh.. forgot to mention how I left packed his suitcase and left it on front step and locked H out the other night when he went to have a "follow up" conversation with OW when she told him she is starting to see someone else.

Message sent and received.

I am exhausted but feeling the strength in me growing.

One day at a time.