Just wanted to come by the new thread and let you know that I am still following you.
When is your next MC appointment? I think that you advice that you are getting about taking the lead is great. If you don't bring up these issues, who will? Certainly not your H. The C might be waiting for you to do it, figuring that when you are ready to touch on this harsh subject you will let the C know and then be able to go from there.
Stacy strong bunny!! I am praying for you to get through this hard time in your life.
Last edited by lost-n-Iowa; 10/25/0905:21 AM.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I screwed up. The guy that I got attached to while in the lifestyle started contacting me again about a month ago, and I didn’t tell him to go away. I know I should have but didn’t. I haven’t seen him since last December, but he has been sending me an occasional TM or IM lately, and I responded. I failed and I’m ashamed. I knew better- he’s just a fantasy; I don’t know why I played along with his messages. This isn't a satisfactory excuse but I think it's because he really filled the void that I felt in my relationship with H. He built me up while I felt torn down by H.
H found out yesterday. He was disappointed but not really mad. We had the discussion that we needed to have a week ago at the MC session. Even if this other guy wasn’t nosing around- H admitted that he hasn’t opened himself fully to the MC process, and also that he doesn’t think either of us can change enough to make the other really happy. This was his mantra prior to the MC and it still is. He doesn’t see me becoming the confident person that he wants me to be, and he isn’t going to be the type to “lavish lots of praise” on me. (I told him I didn’t need to be lavished, just an occasional “I love you” would have gone a long way with me.) He kept going on about that he knows I’m still scared of new situations and new people and he “can see it” in my eyes, that I was so much better on Paxil, that he doesn’t see my confidence when I’m interacting with other people, that he’s still not willing to give me a guarantee that he won’t want to resume swinging in the future, he thought he had acknowledged my hurts and said he was sorry but maybe not in the way I was looking for (he never said he was sorry), that he can’t be held responsible for pushing the swinging if I lied about being OK with it. He doesn’t want to get divorced, but doesn’t see either of us being happy in this relationship.
I asked him if he thought that all our problems were on me. His reply was “no”, but he didn’t expound on that. I just wanted my H to love me completely, be committed to me and be proud of me. I feel like he still sees ME, my basic personality and spirit, as a let down- I'll never be good enough or confident enough.
Everybody feel free to clobber me now.
We didn’t formally say we’re going to split, but that’s the way it’s headed, it’s going to be mutual. My heart is breaking- I failed in my marriage.
You didnt fail. It takes 2. You might have enabled his behavior by not setting and enforcing boundaries, but you didnt fail. It's goodtimes and badtimes for BOTH partners. Not just one. You H not following through with your original agreement is grounds for an annulment. Not to mention all the other sick stuff your H has done that would make a priest kick out a stain glass window.
Gee. It's a wonder why you were craving attention and RESPECT from another man. Dont feel bad. It's understandable. Sleeping with him originally was not a good decision but liking the continued attention is understood.
Sounds like you got your answer from H. Why continue working on a R/M that is not WANTED by both parties? That is the question that many of us have had or are in the process of dealing with on this site.
Be strong and do what you know you have to do. In your case, it is true what your friends and family have been telling you. YOU do deserve better. Many WAS's hear that to justify their cheating or hurting, which in most cases is just an excuse to STOP doing the WORK. You on the other hand, have been trying to do the WORK.
Bunny, I've been following along and I agree with Dia and others. You have to lay all your cards out on the table at the next MC. Get them talking. About real stuff. Stuff that hurts. Hurts you. I remember telling my shi**y MC once, "We keep talking about talking! But we never talk!! about issues. The issues!"
Your H already gave you your out. Go. Leave.
Do you want to return to swinging, "The Lifestyle"? Is this a dealbreaker? Then break the deal. If I remember from your first thread, your kids are now either pre-teen or teen, right? Do you think they'll never find out?
I'm familiar with swinging, never did it, read about it and know one couple who are into it. Yeah, they're open and yeah, there's the fun D&S sides of the equation, but my friend (acquaintance, actually) considers his wife his property to bestow magnanimously upon anyone he chooses.
Games, fantasies, roles (any and all) are best, more fun when played by two. Two who see and make love to and enjoy an entire, precious person - their, man their woman - with wild abandon, not just "do" a pulse with a set of orifices.
Well, maybe I've said too much but I don't see from your posts that what you are so desperately and honorably trying to save is worth saving.
Sorry to be harsh. You sound like a beautiful person who is being both used and abused and in classic "script" you think it's your fault and I'm just incensed!
Sorry to go on. I say all this as a man with respect and love for you as a person worthy of respect and love and much, much more.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I really didn't want an out. I wanted him to say that he would commit to me, and only me, and love me 100%.
Sorry, Bunny. He never will.
I agree with Gardener's last two posts.
He doesn't want an exclusive relationship with just you. So if the swinging lifestyle is not for you, don't do it. Find someone who will love you and only you. You deserve it.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
He keeps saying that swinging is a minor issue, he can put it aside temporarily at least, and that his biggest gripe is my lack of confidence. He says he can't deal with it anymore and is tired of trying to help me with it. Problem is that he's the only one who sees a problem. I can't make his comments and observations mesh with my perceptions. And I can't understand why he was willing to share me to begin with. Since he got his fair share of playtime with others, maybe it was just "sanctioned cheating" in his mind all along.
