Coach, good news is that GIMA had provided strong advice about always being the first person out and being VERY strong. I never wait for kisses and I end the conversations. GIMA straightned me out early on that. I probably blew two weeks there, but after discussing it with GIMA he said strap some on and be the man. Good advice. She now comes to me everynight to kiss me good night. And if she doesnt, I show no worry or concern. I have kept phone calls and texts to a minimum and they generally only involve issues relating to the children.
Keep the suggestions comming. I am open to all.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Decent evening to report. Wife went to a concert with a girl friend. They were supposed to spend the night in a hotel, but low and behold she showed up at midnight. I was quite surprised. Of course she went right off to her own room and bed, but no worries.
Now the weekend. I keep telling myself, detach, detach, detach. Be strong....
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Well, after what I though were a couple of good days, the wife came home telling me that she was looking at apartments. I asked why? She said because she still wants a divorce and thinks that we can keep our children in our house and then split an apartment for half the time each month. I am floored. I thought the last few weeks had been excellent only to discover, that for some reason, D is squarly in her targets. In fact, as she drove out of the driveway she told me she though she she should jsut set up the appoint for mediation for next week and get it moving.
I am in desperate need of help. I have no clue what I should do. At this point I have no idea even what my fiscal responsibilities woudl be if she did file for a D. Help!
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
- You can't stop her from moving out or filing if she wants. "I understand how you feel, I won't stand in your way but I won't support a seperation anymore than I am legally required." Don't talk about at all if you can't do it without getting emotional.
- I would not agree to the apartment splitting idea. She wants to divorce then she can move out. She wants to split up the family then put it all on her shoulders. You are responsible for your part in the marriage only.
- You buddy GIMA can probably give you the legal side of the finances if she moves out.
- Go out tonite to a HS football game, go exercise, do something productive.
- Don't let her bait you into any R talks, money talks or apartment talks. Let her know you need to talk to your lawyer before you can comment.
This is getting more real so you need to have a plan. What changes do you need to make for yourself? How can you be a great Dad right now? What business do you need to handle - $, hire a L? What do you want - list your goals?
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
it feels like it just gets really nasty from here on in
The sooner you stop feeling and start understanding the better in dealing with the situation. Yes, you will feel a lot of emotions but in dealing with DBing we are thinking and acting. The money is just a business deal. The kids you should expect at least 50/50 on time with them.
You didn't ask for this so you deal with it. How to get a grip on your emotions. - detach - compassion vs anger - validation - communicate better: really listen, make your message clear
"I am going out tonite. Let me know if you won't be home so I can arrange a sitter."
Yes, the lessons here have a very high price associated with them.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
SSGA--Listen. Stay calm, Coach is right. You will have to protect yourself. Take steps to do so.
My H has actually filed. We're still dating. I had to respond yesterday. I asked for an extension, which in my state is a viable option as we have a child and the express purpose of the extension is to see if we can reconcile. I also asked for lawyer's fees, which is probably pressure on him, but I am not paying for this if I don't have to. If we reconcile, we'll be responsible together. If not, he's responsible alone.
You should do the same with the lawyer's fees.
Do NOT leave your house or give up the kids if you don't want to do so.
No matter what stay calm.
Surreal, funny story. When I was served at the end of August, H was here. He was laying in my lap watching TV with me. There's a knock on the door. He sits up and looks at me. We both know who it is. I go answer the door. I get the papers. (The kid delivering them had to be in high school and he had a night stick. Seriously. Apparently, I've learned, they get attacked because they are literally the bearer of bad news!) I read them. Huge mistake in the papers. In the meantime, H has gone into S's room to hide I guess. I read them, point out the mistake, H says "I'll get it taken care of." I get out the ironing board and iron his clothes (and mine) while watching Family Guy and say nothing else about it....like it never happened. H had no idea what to do or say. He finally says "Are you ok?" I said "Yes....what do you want me to do with these papers?" He said "I don't know." I asked after a bit "Why did you file?" He said after a long pause "I don't know." And truthfully some days he does know, and it's because he thinks he wants out. Other days, he's completely confused.
I will say, I do believe now that this has started, the actual process with lawyers, he's really really thinking more. And the more normal and calm things are, the more his wheels turn.
stronger, thank you for the encouriging words. I dont know if our state has extensions, I just started talking to L's today. She has no idea what our finances are and no idea what she would eligble for. I saw notes (see GIMAs forum) and she is nuts with what she wants. I would end up in the hole everymonth. Crazy. But maybe it takes this to wake her up. the problem in our state is that you can get a divorce in as little as 30 days. What a shame. GIMA talked me of the edge tonight, and along with your notes i feel better. I must get stronger and accept the reality of the situation. 1st And, if I remember, time is on my side............I think...........
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
