Tmite, I can only reply that it's not time to leave. I still have work to do. I see signs of significant progress. This M is a long way up from when it hit bottom.
Wow CL these words ring loud and clear to me. I agree totally with ya big guy. My M too is far from where it was 2 years ago. Things are getting better.Not Great but better Stay on course and do what YOU feel is right. I think the problems with my M were like a wood rot on a house. You have to hit rock bottom and make sure the rot is all cleared out before you can start rebuilding. If ya don't get it all out and start too soon without getting all of the rot out. All you are doing is covering up a problem that will turn up again later. It’s not like just saying “hey lets forget the past and start over. You really have to get to a point that you do forget the past and you are really starting all over. Stay strong buddy. Everyone’s sitch is different and only you know your sitch totally...
Take care Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, Tbanks, I knew someone from the Piecing forum would understand my stance. I think the "devil" himself sometimes posts on my thread (someone who creates doubt, and wants me to give-up prematurely, or act in my own self-interest).
I have so much work to do on myself, that will only benefit myself and the marriage. Why would I leave now? I see stirrings of healing, effort, and self-improvement in my W. Why would I leave now?
This past year has been a time of growth for me, with being more independent socially in the dance community, finding a church that is helping me move closer to God (love), and enjoying the companionship of a dog. As my thread title suggests, the soil is fertile for my personal life to grow wonderful things. Leaving the M now, as Tmite suggests would be like preparing the soil for a garden, planting seeds, and then abandoning it, because past gardens have failed, due to mistakes and poor preparation.
Marriage isn't a stock holding that I'm trying to decide when to sell to cut my losses. My W isn't an employee whose performance I review, and decide whether or not to renew her contract. Marriage provides an opportunity to learn to love another imperfect human being on an intimate level. After sixteen years of marrige, I'm just beginning to understand and develop the skills involved.
I want to stick around to enjoy the fruits of my labor, even if every plant doesn't bear fruit or is harvested, and am willing to take the risk that another season may end without anything to harvest.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This past year has been a time of growth for me, with being more independent socially in the dance community, finding a church that is helping me move closer to God (love), and enjoying the companionship of a dog. As my thread title suggests, the soil is fertile for my personal life to grow wonderful things. CL
Darn you CL..We are on the same page totally I could have written what you wrote. I too have seen myself grow. In the beginning I did not realize it but I WAS trying to change my wife. Then with the help of someone here I finely did let go and started taking care of myself. And with that my wife did start to change on HER own. My independence did help me grow. Now I am not into dance classes but I do love to go dancing. (Even though my buddy makes fun of the way I dance because I only have one leg) but I have learned again that that is only because of his own insecurities about himself. As for church I think the devil has been winning in that area. I have prayed and have gone to church but not as much as I would like. Now I don’t know if you were serous about the dog but hey I do love my dog. She gives me the unconditional love I do need... I have to admit if my wife did want to call it quits I would not stop her. In fact that would be the easy way out of this. And I can not say I will hang on forever but…..I feel I too have worked on this “garden” along time to not at least plant some seeds and see what happens...
Only you know how much you can handle Take care my friend ...My first date with my wife is Dec 12th. That means dancing, laughing and maybe planting a seed……
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Matilda, Dr. L., Jak, Aud, and DB Friends, I had bought tickets to go to the semi-formal ballroom ball a few weeks ago. My W was considering going, but was ambivalent, and noncommittal. We were out dancing the night before. She and I attended a class together, and then went to a latin venue afterwards. The problem is, that there were competing venues, and the venue she wanted to go to, I had not been to in almost a year. This is where she and her dance friend were regulars together for this year. In past years, I've been intimidated by this place, for various reasons.
As it came closer to the time to go to the ballroom event, my W decided to not go, but instead go to her latin venue. She was under the impression, that I would meet her there afterward. I thought that we would go our separate ways that evening. I stayed to make sure she was awake to go to her venue, but found myself losing interest in going to my event. It was cold out, and I was tired from a late night the night before.
My W became quite emotional. I was puzzled as to what the problem was. She again brought up concerns about me pooping out on her on our upcoming vacation. She also said that, even though her dance friend had anger problems, he at least was a companion to her. She was upset that we haven't been able to form a stronger dance partnership. She understood that I had committed to go with her to her venue tonight.
I tried to understand what she was talking about, but had a hard time conducting constructive communication. I now had a dilemma--go with her to her venue and risk not getting along, versus stay at home and connect again at a later point. I decided to go with her, even though we were running almost two hours late, as her impression was that I made a commitment to go with her. Not going would have caused harm to relationship building efforts.
We ended-up having a nice evening. I asked an instructor that I know to dance. My W was impressed. Afterwards, when she went to bed, she woke me up to ask me to sleep with her and keep her warm. I said yes.
Her friend was there and wanted to dance with her like nothing happened last weekend. He had a public display of anger calling her profanities in public, because he thought she was dancing too close to someone. My W turned him down.
My W took a private lesson at the studio we've begun attending. I recorded the session for her. Afterwards, she offered to loan me the money for a similar package of private lessons, costing about $750. I accepted the offer, as I felt that I was ready, given my record of effort and attendance in the past year.
Later in the evening she rescinded her offer, citing a host of reasons. The main reason seems to be mistrust about my commitment. I told her that perhaps it was better for me to find a way to pay for private lessons myself. I think I will start with monthly private lessons, using gift money from the holidays and an upcoming birthday.
My plan is to continue to be aware of opportunities for dance and other connection with my W, while continuing to put effort into improving my own dance skill.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 12/06/0901:27 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I tried to understand what she was talking about, but had a hard time conducting constructive communication. I now had a dilemma--go with her to her venue and risk not getting along, versus stay at home and connect again at a later point. I decided to go with her, even though we were running almost two hours late, as her impression was that I made a commitment to go with her. Not going would have caused harm to relationship building efforts.
Cl... You have made the right choice buddy
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
Her friend was there and wanted to dance with her like nothing happened last weekend. He had a public display of anger calling her profanities in public, because he thought she was dancing too close to someone. My W turned him down.
Dude this alone would have made my evening Way to go.
Good work on letting the “offer” go without making a big deal of it. YES buddy connect when ever possible….You and I are going to make it through this either with a better marriage or at least we will be wiser men
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
