Jak, Aud, Matilda, and Piecing Friends, My W continues to be a pleasant person to be around lately. She seems to be intentional in trying to manage her moods, and choosing her words more carefully. Our weekly ritual is to watch Dancing with the Stars together. She has been more involved in the weekly cooking job. She has been more accepting of the dog, and clearly is concerned about his welfare, though prefers that I be the contact person for him at daycare and the vet.
I was planning on accompanying her to her dance venue last night, but she has what sounds like bronchitis. She found an orange juice machine in the basement, and has been drinking fresh squeezed orange juice regularly. I'm trying to work on my judgmental thoughts I have of her smoking. Even smokers deserve to be loved.
I continue to attend the neighborhood Quaker church weekly and enjoy trying to make sense of God. I haven't been in a Christian church since I lived at home, so I'm reqcquainting myself with Christianity. I've decided to start with God as love, and let my practices work on trying to connect with God/love, not worry about not understanding the mystery of God, but focus more on experiencing his presence.
My back flares-up periodically, but seems to be slowly getting better. The Pilates and chiropractic are helpful. I've started doing 20 minutes of stretching and Pilates exercises before work daily. This has reduced the intensity of the flare-ups to a dull ache in the buttocks versus shooting pain, where I'm unable to sit.
I'm reading If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person by Phillip Gulley, a Quaker minister. He believes that everyone has the potential to experience the presence of God (salvation)and his grace (love), regardless of background, past mistakes, sexual orientation, and other. It prompted me to think, that even my WAS, who likely committed infidelity, deserves God's love. If God can love my W, than I should follow his example, regardless of past deeds and current imperfections.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Aud, JoJo, and DB Friends, I took the day off to accompany my W to her colonoscopy. She had three polyps, and is on an every three year schedule. Her dance friend, who has been over quite a bit lately, wanted to be there. His presence was helpful, as my W was quite anxious about the process.
She describes him as her girlfriend. He goes shopping with her, eats at restaurants with her (the things I don't enjoy doing). Their relationship is hot and cold. He apparently isn't talking to her, because she didn't dance enough with him, one night this week. I try to stay out of it.
I tried out a different dance teacher this week. I consider him to be possibly the best male dance teacher in town. I'm excited to have the opportunity to take lessons from him. He came to one of our monthly ballroom chapter events to teach a lesson, and market himself. He has started teaching group lessons, not far from where I live. He is technigue-oriented, which is what I want. The studio where he is teaching, seems to attract the local competitive ballroom dancers. The studio where I was taking lessons, attracted beginning social dancers. I'm going to change my focus from learning many different dances, to focusing on the latin and smooth dances.
I've started reading Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri Nouwen. The first movement is loneliness to solitude (I think I've got this one down), the second is hostility to hospitality (the one I'm working on with my W and others), and the third is illusion to prayer (I'm not sure what this is).
I'm trying to be careful about how I treat my W. I'm watching my words and thoughts carefully. It's a struggle, as love and self-centeredness, and judgment wrestle often in my mind.
I plan on accompanying my W to a latin venue tonight. I enjoy my ballroom friends, but they don't replace dancing with my W, so I'm glad to be reconnecting with her in public.
My back has been nagging me this week with inflammation, making it sometimes painful to sit. I must have injured it at some point this year, either tearing or straining something. I've only missed one night of dancing due to my back, as I think movement is more helpful than rest. Articles and books I've read stress the importance of strengthening and stretching and being active, and that rest is counterproductive, unless one is in significant pain. I've noticed when doing Pilates, that my core is still somewhat weak, so hopefully I'm on the right track. I'm guessing my body is telling me that if I want to dance, than I need to make it stronger to meet the demands I'm putting on it. There doesn't seem to be a quick fix to this type of problem, but rather a willingness to make lifestyle changes. I do get relief with chiropractic, so continue bi-weekly.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You sound wonderful. I am a little worried about your back though. Maybe you should at least get an MRI of your back to rule out an injury that might get worse with the demand you are placing on it. I do know first hand about this situation.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak and Matilda, I get the impression that beyond the hands-on therapies (chiropractic, massage, physical therapy, acupuncture), exercise (strengthening, stretching) and antiinflammatories, there is little conventional medicine can do, so I'm reluctant to spend time pursuing tests.
I've started a natural antiinflammatory called MSM (methylsulfonylmethane), which is supposed to be good for healing muscoloskeletal injuries. I'm on my second day, and my back feels better than it has in a couple of weeks. I'm also taking Calcium and Magnesium at night, which is supposed to relax the muscles.
If it doesn't improve, than my next step is either acupuncture or massage. Thanks for your concern. As resilient as we try to be, stress still takes its toll.
I have no pain when moving, dancing, or walking, so I'm assuming that movement is therapeutic. I think my body is also adapting to the Pilates.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak,Matilda, Aud, Piecing, and DB Friends, I keep reading on the topic of unconditional love, in the form of grace. Like a detergent removing a stain, this concept seems to be infiltrating me. I've been reading about love and compassion for the past six years, but thinking about it as the perfect love of God resonates with me. Even though I haven't figured-out the form of God, and am still trying to figure-out divinity, I can imagine a perfect love, even though I cannot attain it. For now my concept of God is perfect love.
The Quaker church I've started attending about a month ago, has already reaped benefits for me. I've been introduced to a book and two authors who are moving me forward on my religious path. I am now able to integrate Christianity back into my practice. I didn't realize this was possible.
In the past six years, I've been mostly tolerant of my W. I've been judgmental of her. I've been resentful. I've been self-centered. I've been wishing she would go away. I've been seduced that the grass would be greener with a new person. Yes, I haven't overtly harmed her. I chosen my words and actions carefully, but there hasn't been love in the household. I've been waiting for her to repent, or something not well articulated. I've been working on myself apart from her, but haven't been able to calm the resentment and ill will I had towards her (is there a connection to my back?).
I understand that love isn't going to solve the problems by itself. I understand the imperfections of being human. I understand that people can be wounded and resistant to love. I understand that people can make choices that take them down self-destructive paths. I understand that they may not be ready to receive love. I understand that people can die and do die with unresolved issues. Life was too difficult for them.
I'm working on writing personal essays. One type of essay is the Narration essay. In this type of essay, one writes about what they've lost and subsequently found. In loss, there is rebirth. I think I've found the capacity to love broken people.
"Often it is the dark forest that makes us speak of the open field."
Henri Nouwen
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 11/07/0905:20 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I wonder if your wife senses that you just "tolerate" her. If you could reframe that somehow would she change her attitude toward you and your marriage? I know you want her to change first, but what if YOU took the first step? I know sleeping together has been an issue. Any change there???
Matilda, By the first step, I assume you mean physical intimacy. I think it's too soon for that. We've been roommates for most of this year. The connection has been increasing the past several months. I'd like to see us be good friends for some time, before physical intimacy is attempted. I don't think there's enough of a foundation yet to address that.
Tolerance needs to be transformed. This is my work to do. I need to work on striving for love. This is clear to me. If I'm tolerating my W, I'm not practicing in the ways that connect me to a loving state of mind or connecting to its divine presence.
My W seems to be trying to connect to me. It's essential that I do more than simply tolerate her. I will do further harm with that frame of mind.
My W asked me again about a winter trip. I gave my consent, and she booked a trip to Puerto Rico in January. It will be for a week. She would like longer, but I want to keep the trip within a travel budget that is attainable for us.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL...tolerance is transformed by forgiveness, and I've discovered a couple things that are key for me to remember regarding that process:
1-I *choose* to forgive and hand the weight of my disappointment/disapproval over to divinity. It's a relief to be free of the crushing presence.
2-That choice is a continual process. Resentment creeps in from time to time, and I am faced with the choice again each time. I remind myself I have chosen to let it go and trust that as long as I'm working on maintaining my boundaries, the rest is someone else's responsibility to work out.
This doesn't have to take a long time. It takes awhile to get used to, and it gets easier. But you don't have to walk around with a wall of resentment indefinitely.
If you want to connect with her, you can do that...opening a hole in the fortress of disapproval standing between you and her is up to you. At any rate, she needs to know that you recognize/acknowledge her efforts to get closer to you, rejection is a tough pill to swallow, and likely feeds her anxiety and flightiness.
