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All of this takes time. You will be okay, one way or the other. The important thing to do is to let go of any guilt, or responsibility, for your wife's actions.

If you really want to make your M work -- if you plan to be able to take her back, warts and all -- you must decide to forgive her.

It doesn't have to be now. You can wait until she tells you that she wants back into the relationship; but you have to do it at some point.

Forgiveness is not minimizing how badly she hurt you; in fact, it can only be real forgiveness if you accept the reality.

Forgiveness means relinquishing, forever, the right to seek revenge for that pain.



You need to figure out how to cope with this, because you will drive yourself crazy if you cannot overcome it.

When those movies start playing in your head, imagine a big STOP sign filling your mind's eye and find something else to focus on. You may need some additional reinforcement; one poster here said she keeps a thick rubber band around her wrist, and when she finds her mind going down that route, SNAP!

As far as the images, I know. I tell myself to stop and I am only hurting myself. I think I am at that point where I am trying to get my feelings and hurt sort out in my mind so I can move on and focus on the next step. Not always easy...

2OC you need to find an outlet for that anger, hurt and pain. What you have been through this last month is an accelerated burn of what most here have taken months.

Please find a way to get her out of there tonight. Try capture that calm that you had earlier. Go to her and tell her, "If you have any respect for my feelings please pack yourself an overnight bag and leave me alone for a few days so I can decide what I'm going to do about you. I don't care where you go or what you do. Right now I cannot stand to see you in front of me. Please leave. Now."

If she refuses then walk out. Do not pack anything. Take the car and get out of there. Find a hotel or motel and book yourself in for three days. (It must be private.) Switch off your cellphone. Call in sick for work and take a time-out for yourself. You're going to need to grieve for a while. Don't hold back your tears.

Call someone close to you, whom you can trust to keep your location secret, for support.

You're a strong man and I admire how you've held yourself together so far. Let the shock fade so you can regather your thoughts and think rationally again. Although it doesn't seem like it at the moment, this too shall pass.

I wish you well.

Try to think of her as an ADDICT, 2O, which of course she is.

It helps maintain compassion.

FORGIVENESS, as you say, will take time, and will come in stages.

Puppy

Have you started packing her things for her?
Don't just tell her to move out, actually start the process, show her you mean business. Trust me if you don't, she'll just view it as another way to disrespect you by pushing back on this.

Start it now while the momentum is on your side on this.

I'm sure she has friends, family or the OM she can stay with.

How are you holding up 2OC?

Been hanging in there Gnosis, thanks for asking.

Well just got back from vacation this past Wednesday. It was awkward between my wife and I, but the important part was that my daughter had fun. There were a few heated discussions, and I think I lost my cool (didn't blow up but was pretty close - not good) and most of it was about her affairs. After we got back she moved out to her mom's house. I was looking forward to this because I know I need time alone and can't be in the same house with her - plus I need time alone to heal, vent, break-down, and grieve - things I couldn't really do with her here. I've had to bottle it all up, and I think this didn't help me on the vacation. The only thing that sucks is my daughter is living with her and I won't get to see her everyday. I do get to see her every other day and on the weekends. I often work a lot of overtime during the week, so in a way that works out. I may start going in to work earlier though so I can leave at a decent time and have more time to spend with my daughter during the week.

I can say my wife is deep in the WAS fog, and some conversations from this past week has followed to the "rewritten M history" that everyone seems to talk about here. I haven't read DR all the way through yet, but I am utilizing what I have read so far - especially LRT's, going dark, and working on making changes for myself. The more I think about it, the more I think that my marriage and my wife is in God's hands. I have been reading a lot of this book by a christian author - "When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present" - by Sue Augustine. It seems to be written for women, but I have found it to be enlightening with what I have been dealing with. I have found that I have let my past dictate who I am now, and that has not been good for me. We did tell my daughter the news yesterday about mommy and daddy getting a divorce. She seemed a little sad, but I don't think it will fully sink in until after the whole taking turns/visitation thing sets in.

All I can do now is pray that God take care of my wife, and protect her while she is doing what she is doing, and that his will be done concerning her. I am also praying that he will help me to forgive her for what was done, so I can move on in life and to help me forgive myself for my faults that I have been beating myself down with and times I regretted.

Hope everyone is having a good Thanksgiving weekend. I will get to eat turkey tomorrow - I am looking forward to some home cooking. My thanksgiving dinner yesterday consisted of a Hungryman turkey and dressing TV dinner... just not the same!

she knows you want her,
even though you've kicked her out,
now you have to test her.

She is cake eating, for the longest amount of time, she has had you her husband and her affairs.

Switch it up.

Start working out, start buying new clothing, new shoes, get a different style haircut, start wearing a different cologne, start tanning, start going out more and I'm going to say it, start.... dating. Nothing serious but start going out with other women (I'm not asking you to get married or have sex).

Thanks for the pointers Rob, although I can't do much with the haircut thing...LOL. The recent change in my haircut consisted of taking a razor and shaving my head clean! Smoooth! I have given thought to working out, might buy me some weights once I get finances in order - while on vacation I was using the gym in the hotel after everyone went to sleep and found it a good outlet for my frustration etc. Might go and get a tattoo I have been thinking about getting here recently (I have none right now). I have toyed with the idea of dating, but not getting serious or anything and just finding some women friends I can hang out with. Not sure yet if I'll go that route but might give the illusion that I am. Or at least get to the point where I seem so happy where my wife will be wondering what is going on and if I'm dating.