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Sandi,

Thank you for your response. I took your advice and talked to a DB coach today. I really needed it because I had a pretty good backslide the last few days by pressuring my W about what she wanted. I’ve learned unintentionally that my W is back to working with a realtor about new housing for herself. We are back to talking about a divorce that my wife claims I want.
The DB coach gave the following suggestions/observations:

(1) Back off and don’t pressure anymore. The analogy of a loose dog was used…chase the dog and you won’t catch it…stop chasing and leave the gate open…the dog returns.
(2) Stop the negative self-talk.
(3) I started to work out of fear. I noticed my W starting to act cold/negative and she stopped doing the Retrouvaille homework…it scared me. I desperately did not want to lose the “positive strides” we were making. My wife was consciously/subconsciously testing herself and my changes. The DB coach said this is normal for both parties.
(4) Take care of myself…I’ve gone through alot of emotional stuff the last two weeks. I’m a walking wounded right now.
(5) Apologize to my W for the last few days in a very quick and humorous manner.
(6) Go back to being a fun LFH. Have fun with the kids.
(7) The DB coach told me I did one heck of job getting my W to go to Retrouvaille and the post session. The DB coach was amazed that my W wanted to do the post sessions. My hard work over the last eight months WERE effective. Don’t stop now. My wife was/is starting to realize that LFH is the person she fell in love with and married. I have definitely stirred her feelings.
(8) Not all is lost. It’s not over by any stretch. It’s perfectly natural and expected to backslide, so pick myself up, dust myself off, and forgive myself. It’s not over till it’s over. Focus on the things I can control.
(9) Validate my wife’s feelings. This will make her feel safe and affirms how she feels.

My wife did accept my invitation to go to the next Retrouvaille post-session…so it’s another start.

Thanks,
LFH

Journaling...

I left work a little early today so I could repair my mental attitude this afternoon (I have an awesome boss...he knows my situation and is extremely supportive). My W was already home when I arrived. So I followed my DB coach's suggestion and gave my W a very quick apology for the last few days. She was cool with it. I then proceeded to the gym for what my DB coach termed as "self care."

After I picked up the kids from school, I took them next door to play with the neighbor's kids. I have very nice neighbors and I took this as an opportunity to be social for myself as well. I would say that my W was distant from me and the kids this evening...not cold but distant.

I'm feeling alot better tonight than I did for most of the day. The DB coach and my friends really helped me out today. I'm lucky to have a strong support system. Everyone tells me that I'll be just fine no matter what happens. They also say that I'll always be a part of my kids lives...so don't let what my W may be doing concern me.

LFH

Hi LFH

Thanks for dropping by my post. There seem to be many positives in your situation. I am glad you got help from a DB coach when you needed a little push. My DB coaching sessions have been fantastic. Patience is really the key. Patience and self control.

KARA

Hi Kara,

Thanks for your response. I agree that the DB coach is a wonderful asset and support for us to use. You say patience is the key, but unfortunately for me that's my weakness. I've improved over the last months regarding patience, but there's still alot of work ahead of me in that department.

This morning was interesting. My W was uneasy about the fact that I wasn't going to work this morning. She started in with the questions: (1) Why aren't you going to work? (2) Are you working from home? (3) Are you going golfing? (4) What are your plans for the day? (5) Are you going to the driving range? Then she started to linger around the house finding unimportant stuff to do as if she didn't want to leave herself. I asked about some of the bank CD stuff that's come in the mail and my W responded with "does your lawyer want this information? I didn't respond to her question. She then called me after she left to warn me about bad traffic...that I should wait a while before taking the kids into school.

I find this very strange behavior for a person who is presumably taking the day off from work herself and going house hunting. Hmmm. What do you guys think?

I did invite my W to join me and the kids at the zoo this evening. The zoo has a great trick-or-treat party for the kids. My W accepted my invitation.

After having a huge pity party for myself yesterday, I'm feeling happier and more confident today. I think these pity parties are effective ways of cleansing ourselves of our deep-seated negative emotions. Today is going to be a good day.

-LFH

Thank God! I was really concerned about you, LFH. So glad you talk to DB Coach. The boards are great, but just being able to actually talk in person to another is much better. The fact that your W accepted invitation to go to another session is a very good sign, I believe.

Just don't let the pressure build up on you, okay?

Hi Sandi...thank you for your reply.

Yes, the DB coach was great. He had alot of encouraging words for me and put together an impressive game plan going forward.

This evening was very fun for me. It started out at the kids' school where they had their Halloween costume parade. My D3 was a lady bug and my S5 was Iron Man...they were adorable. My W arrived at the school just in time for the parade. I arrived early and took a surplus of snapshots.

Then it was off to the zoo for trick-or-treating. As we were all about to jump onto the expressway, my W turned to me and asked to go back home. You see, she had a rough day at work (and house-hunting?) and the kids were simply being kids in the car. I said "o.k... no problem." I dropped her off and went out with the kids. The zoo was literally and metaphorically a zoo. It didn't matter because the kids and I had a great time. My wife's mood was not going to affect mine.

Sandi...no I'm not going to let the pressure build this time around. If my wife goes to the post-session this Sunday...then fine. If she decides not to go...fine again. After several phone calls with family and friends over the last 24 hours, I've realized that I have been trying to save a marriage in which I was unhappy. That's just plain crazy...the conversations were the 2x4s I needed. My kids are my only concern going forward...not my wife's moods, emotions, actions, or feelings. Atleast this is my current state of mind.

Kind Regards,
LFH

LFH,

You sound good. And it sounds like you had fun with the kids tonight.

Keep that PMA going.

Did you ever take a look at the cognitive dissonance stuff? Really helped me.

LFH:

Just wanted to jump on your post and tell you that this statement is just HUGE, HUGE, HUGE:

"I've realized that I have been trying to save a marriage in which I was unhappy. That's just plain crazy...the conversations were the 2x4s I needed. My kids are my only concern going forward...not my wife's moods, emotions, actions, or feelings. Atleast this is my current state of mind."

That is just so full of great DB stuff and recovery from being tied to her emotional bumper. I will tell you what this statement did for me. It gave me the push I needed today to go to church w/ my 4 year old and not let the icy winds my H is blowing me affect me today.

Also, as you saw in Gucci and Robx's response to me, the whole commment you made about saving a marriage that wasn't happy to begin with is just ringing like a gong in my head.

Have a great day today if or if she doesn't go to the post session. I remember a month ago when the Retro weekend was just a hope in your mind and now your though it and really saw a lot of positives come from it. See what time can do?

Gina B

Hi LFH

Some positive movement going on. Keep hanging in there..the patience will come and go but just keep at it. I like where you say that it is your "current state of mind". I know my state of mind can change from minute to minute on a bad day.LOL.

Kara

Hey GIMA, Gina, and Kara...thank you for your responses and words of encouragement.

Overall, I had a pretty nice weekend. Saturday night was great as W and I took the kids out trick-or-treating in our neighborhood. She mentioned that this is one holiday that we should share together with the kids each year even in the event of divorce. I said o.k. and that next year I'm going to have a golf cart for us to ride around in.

Sunday, we had our 2nd Retrouvaille post session. My W could only stay for half the session b/c of a prior work commitment. I said o.k. and thanked her for coming. At the session, my W was back to laughing and joking around again. We had a nice time again. We're going to miss next week's session b/c she's going to out of town on business. It is what it is...living la vida limboland. My DB coach says not to press so I'm trying not to.

One thing that I thought was interesting at the post session was that my W started her letter to me with "Dear LFH." This is the very first time ever my W has used "Dear" in any Retro dialogue letter to me. It may not mean anything or may have just been a slip...but it was still my observation.



Thanks,
LFH