Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time to 'fess up

As I am sure it is for everyone here, this is really hard because I have to admit I am failing at something that is very important to me.
My wife and I have been married for 19 years, have 2 sons (almost 16 and 13) and a daughter we adopted 2 years ago (18). I returned from a summer camp that I work at with my 2 sons in early August, and my wife seemed completely checked out. Upbeat with boys, completely done with daughter and with me. I asked several times what was up with no answer. Finally in October I woke her up before I went to work, and she told me she is 'over me'. Loves me, but not in love and not willing to work at it any more. So far she seems to mean it, even went to a lawyer for a cooperative divorce (whatever that is) this week. But so far hasn't told any of her family, employer, or most of her close friends. They will overwhelmingly disapprove and I suspect will be very vocal to her. Obviously, the kids know there is trouble, but I haven't told them she wants divorce.
Now to complicate matters, I have been suffering from depression and the last 3 years have been really hard. To a large extent I have not been very responsive to family except on rudimentary levels. I have talked with my primary doctor, and tried several antidepressants. I am an ER doc and this means that I have used a lot of emotional capital at work.
To further complicate matters, we had adopted 2 children from Russia; we had a 10 year old son that had been in orphanage from before 2 years old. We later found out he had a variety of behavioral problems in Russia with some violent acting out. He was with us for a year before we had to terminate adoption and place him with another family. This took a toll on all of us, especially our 13 year old (who also seems to have some depressive traits).
And still more, when my wife had first broached the idea of adoption I had told her that we had to have the financial means to do this on our own. We have had problems with outliving our means, and had always been able to recover with the help of family. But I couldn't see taking on more children if we couldn't completely support them independently.
Turns out she took out several credit cards and borrowed about $80k. Worse, our accountant erroneously told us we would qualify for adoption tax credits (we didn't), so now we are into Uncle Sam for a bunch more. She didn't tell me this until late last year. Needless to say, I was not happy, but I have never had money in my family, so just decided to work our way out of it.
Finally, early in marriage, I had some times when the sexual intimacy was not there. I did have an emotional affair. But even before this, my wife had been extremely jealous of any previous female friends (although her constant mantra is how many guy friends she has from high school and college). I tried to stay in contact with some, which of course led to me not telling her everything about contacts, which of course led to more suspicion.
Now it looks like I am dealing with a walk-away wife who seems to be having a mid-life crisis.
I am working hard on my depression; dealing with the chemical part but more importantly trying to replace the programming and maladaptive behaviors I have learned for my lifetime. I am trying to do 180's and working hard on myself to get back to someone that is reasonable attractive to be around. Working very hard to mend relations with boys. Needless to say, none of this had made any dent in her (except one "I love you" at the end of one phone call).
What I need is encouragement to keep up the work. I know I need to make changes regardless of outcome, and I know I will be a happier person for the work regardless. I just don't always feel it. After reading through several threads and DB, I am pretty confident this is a resource to help. So, I ask for your prayers and your wisdom.

Me 47 (divorced previously)
She 42 (divorced previously)
S 16, S 13, D 18
"bomb" 10/09
in limbo.

PS. I am done with excusing my behaviors. I say that God is first, marriage and family second, and everything else is third. But when I look at where I have put my energy, doesn't always look like this were my priorities.

Ask, an ye shall receive. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you.

DTL, Welcome aboard. My wife (Greek) and I adopted our daughter from Russia.

- Depression, have you looked into the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach? Check out Dr Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimism."

- Money issues, I have seen lots of people spend money to fill a emotional need. Start filling your wifes emotional needs and you fix some of this. Books - "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages."

- You wife is craving security. Financially, emotionally, and in seeing you as the leader of the family.

- Use all of your training, experiences, education and faith to help you. You got led to this point for a reason. God won't give you a problem you can't handle.

You need to find out if your wife is in any kind of affair (EA/PA). It changes your DBing efforts if she is. You always need to grow and improve for yourself that doesn't change.

Keep posting, reach out to others, be a great Dad, manage your energy, have a open mind and be aware.

You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

Looks like you are in the right direction by reading the book and coming here. I am fairly new also, but am determined to make changes. The advice I have given in previous threads would apply here:



Hope it helps.

@Coach: "The Five Love Languages" - one of the best books I have read. A real "aha" book. Wish I had read that one LONG AGO!!!

Thanks, mscanlon and coach. I will certainly find the "Five Love Languages". I appreciate the advice and the encouragement. I will be here for a while...

I have read most of "Five Love Languages", the addition for husbands. I have heard some of this before, but this brings a lot into focus. I am going to have to do some trial and error, because I am not exactly sure what her primary "love" language is, let alone which 'dialect' she speaks.
The journal keeping has been helpful. Especially since my short term memory seems to be on the blink at present. I am working on the vision board. I think this will help clarify what I should ask for (when we get to that stage).
Thanks again for the input.

Hi DTL

"Doctor - heal thyself" - and you will, there are so many 'love docs' here to help you!! Now, paint on that smile if you have to and go do something (however small) for YOU. Make it count and make it real - even if it's enjoying a glass of wine, reading a chapter from your favourite book or spending 10 minutes playing with your dog .... it's the start of you looking out for yourself, learning to love and respect yourself and putting your problems away for a short time.

Remove yourself from the situation in head and heart - detach yourself emotionally as it will help you - it's only for 10 minutes to start with but it's darned good practise. True relaxation is hard to find for most of us in the beginning - too many thoughts buzzing around and panic their constant companion. You have time - nothing that can't be reversed is going to happen overnight ... don't react to anything right now - it will not serve you well. Listen and validate. Be the one to finish conversations first. Be the one to go to bed first. Be polite and endearing. "Act as if" things are going to be OK. I take it that you and your W are still both at home? Try to maintain that status - once they walk, DB'ing is so very much more difficult.

Also in the medical game (I'm an RN, Legal & Forensic Psych. but working in Occ. Health), I have found it most useful to seek out a person at work whom I trust and can be of most value to me - whether that person is another Doc, an RN or a Psych etc ... just choose someone wisely - watch and feel with your cerebral side - then you will know who that person is. It does help if you can have just one person in the workplace to have a coffee with, spill your emotions a little and then get back on to work feeling a little unburdened. Some days, you will need that support and your environment is holding a key person with whom you can share your confidence at this time.

Work helps. Consider it a 'holiday' from your troubles. We know how busy ED can be - you have to concentrate and that's the hardest part. You have to maintain the income - I note that there are financial difficulties right now - even for those of us who have always enjoyed good finances, these times put pressure to bear upon us and most find themselves short of $ as well as a loving spouse. It all adds to the trauma pile.

I'm just rushing off to work but I will call by later and see how you are going.

EN,

Thanks for the supportive words. You are right, I feel like ADD+triple expresso. Unforunately, negative thoughts are all to easy to hang onto, but the good ones take practice. I am trying very hard to get self-love and respect back. I do have a very good friend at work who uses super lip glue, and she has been through a lot of this herself. In almost 15 years I have known her she continues to keep her perspective and works through her marriage's problems (generally mundane, but some serious). Key is to not let this fall into an EA. Right now anyone who gives me positive strokes is looking to have a hurt puppy following them around.
Your advice about listening, validating but not getting emotionally tied up was timely. Very hard... but if I can continue to stay emotionally focused on getting over my depression and getting better behavior/coping mechanisms and keep out there for the family I will have gone a long way towards getting well.
I am still not very good about doing the nice things for myself. Just feels like there is so much to do and I am soooo far behind. But I get the point, sad when relaxation takes practice.

Thanks for the encouragement. You, too are in my prayers.