Funny thing is, when we left the councilling session, I asked her if she was sure, and she said at this stage, yes she is. What does that mean ? At this stage ?
Sydney, Australia H: 34 W: 33 M: 11 s: 6 Asked for Divorce 12th Nov 2009
I wouldnt send her the link, DB is our secret and you dont want to let her in on the techniques. First off one of the rules is dont believe a word they say and only 50% of what they do! She knows full well that every word she tells your parents will get back to you, so in your best interests ask mum and dad not to pass on any info, they only want the best for you and that wont necessarily be whats really good for you!
All I ever used to say to my H was that "I was not prepared to give up on my marriage and would prefer to work at it" just calmy and matter of factly, not needy or pursuing just a statement. In fact I dont even have to say it now he knows lol!
Stu the worst bit about the few weeks after post bomb is you are going to hear a lot of things you really hate, you have to perfect the "water of a ducks back" technique as other wise you will sink every time she says something painful! Honestly you will think at the moment that life isnt worth living and you cant sort things out but believe me you can and will, it might not be the way you originally planned but it will be good!
Hope you copy of DB comes soon as Im sure reading that will make it clearer what we are all talking about!
Take care
Rabbit
Stellar advice from rabbit! Heed every word of it and do it!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, I hope that her fantasy works out well for her, but I can tell you with some certainty that it wont. If she chooses to walk away from this M, maybe get remarried someday and then repeat the same exact pattern that she went through with you. The past will repeat itself. And the same things that she never dealt with with you, will rear their ugly heads again.
They do a really, really good job of convincing themselves that this is what they need. Reality will set in, it will be interesting for her to see what a D process is really like.
So dont buy her lines so easily.
I think that you should let her have her independance. Financially, with housing, all of it, dont be there for her, let her see what its like to not be your W. Give her exactly what she wants.
They say these things to your parents and their friends- "He wont open up to me," "I just need to hear it from him" And blah, blah, blah, so that they dont have to look like the bad guy. Notice how it was all about what YOU did or didnt do?
I also think that you need to focus on being happy with you, the same as she does, and then you dont have to have some illusion that you will "make" her happy, or she you.
Last edited by bluerain; 11/14/0906:16 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks bluerain. I plan on detaching as much as I can now. To seperate finances is a bit hard, cause I don't want to pay the whole mortgage for the next x number of years, and we sell it for a profit and she makes more money from the sale.
I'm not going to offer any support with things (she called me on Friday asking if I could pick our son up earlier cause she had to do something. Stupid me said ok) that's the support that I was talking about.
Going to have to make her see what it will be like as a single mother. Might be hard for her to realise cause we were living with her parents, so I don't think she'll be moving out any time soon. Her mum will give her alot of support.
It's just hit me. My W wants nothing to do with me.
Feeling really low right now. She can't even bring herself to try to work on things.
I feel so bad that I have caused her so much pain and anger. I've done this to a person that I love so much. How could I let this happen? I was feeling fine before thinking she's the one missing out, but I'm not so sure anymore.
I could see the hurt, anger and frustration in her eyes. I hope she finds happiness again within herself.
Sorry, but I'm just using this thread to let things out.
Stu, I know how you feel, one minute you are up, planning to detach, gonna be strong, the next it feels like a dagger is in you heart.
Just know you are not alone, I know it does not take away the pain, but I am going through the exact same emotions. I felt the exact same this morning.
M: 30 W: 32 Married: 9 years s: 2.8 Bomb dropped: 7-10-09 same house, bed, no physical contact My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1871805&page=1
